The Laugh Richter Scale

Sometimes there are things in life that need to be defined. This is one of those times. If you're new to social media (read, just had your 7th birthday), or are above the age of 35, it can be confusing talking to people via Gchat, Twitter, text, etc. Especially when it comes to what is funny.

Simple things have become increasingly complex over the years. It used to be that saying "haha" meant you were laughing at something. Yet, there was a period in college where all of my texts started with "haha". As in:

1) You going to the basketball game tonight?
2) Haha, yea I'll be there.

or

1) Dude, I have to take summer courses cause I failed my final.
2) Haha, that blows.

This made it awkward when someone texted me something that was legitimately funny. I had to exponentially increase the number of "haha's" in order to drive my point home.

1) I just farted in class!
2) Haha, hahahahahahahahahahah (just want to clarify I was actually laughing at that...)

And don't even get me started on "lols". What was once teenage girl vernacular quickly became everyday dialect for all ages and genders.

In order to bring some clarity to the definition, interpretation and underlying implications of today's fast moving laugh-descriptors, I have assembled the following "Laugh Richter Scale". It's the greatest use of my time since I watched every episode of every season of Celebrity Apprentice.

The Laugh Richter Scale:

1.0 
The Laugh: "Ha"
Definition: "Your sarcastic remark resonated with me"
Example: 
1) Man, being a Patriots fan is hard. Don't worry though, the Redskins will get there one day.
2) ha
2) I want to kill you mercilessly.

1.1 
The Laugh: "Ha."
Definition: "I hate you."
Example:
1) I mean, look, I know my Steelers have been to the Super Bowl 8 times, and we've won 6 of them (including 2 this decade), but we REALLY should have beaten the Packers. Its completely unfair that we lost!
2) Ha.

1.7 
The Laugh: "Hah"
Definition: "Yea, like THAT would ever happen." or "I type at such a blazingly fast speed that, not only do my finger tips have blisters on them, but I'm so far into my next statement I can't go back and add another 'a' to that, so you're going to have to make do without it."
Example:
1) I'm totally going to apply for the open COO position at work. I could be like the youngest COO in company history. I know the company, and I can totally sit in a big office all day and practice my putting game! The job is basically mine to begin with. I'll hire you on as my secretary or something when I get it. My 2.4 GPA in college was only because I was smarter than my professors and they hated me.
2) hah
2) So you'll be able to hook me up with free Junior Bacon Cheesburger's all the time then, right?

2.0 
The Laugh: "Haha"
Definition: I acknowledge your statement.
Example:
1) I came into work today and like, everyone else was late! Can you believe that! I was on time! And everyone was late! And I'm like...why are you getting paid more than me when you don't show up on time? I mean, yea, I do spend the first 2 hours when I'm at work on Facebook, but whatever, right? Do you know what I mean?...
2) haha, yea...

2.5 

The Laugh: "lol" 

Definition: I recently said "haha" and I want to keep our conversation fresh. Either way, I acknowledge that you said something, whether or not I was paying attention. Its worth noting that I still haven't actually laughed.

Example: 

1)...so its like, I'm the only one in on time every day! Ugh! My life is miserable and I have no friends and everything I do is just the worst! Don't you feel bad for me?

2) lol, yea...

3.0 
The Laugh: "ROFL"
Definition: I am one of your parents, or one of your parents friends, and I saw this in a tech magazine. I'm using it because I can relate to you.
Example:
1) You will not guess what our dog Bernie did today! He came in from outside and scooted his butt around on the carpet! I was ROFL!
2) Oh that sounds pretty gross.
1) ROFL! ROFL! ROFL!
1) Can we be friends?
2) No.

4.0 
The Laugh: "Bwah-ha-ha!"
Definition: I want to laugh like a vampire.
Example:
1) Yea, I read the Twilight books, they were really good. Why do you ask?
2) Bwah-ha-ha!
1) Oh...um, I have a boyfriend.

5.0 
The Laugh: "Hahaha"
Definition: I actually thought that was funny.
Example: 
1) Dude, Kanye just tweeted "NO ALCOHOL BEFORE TATTOOS"
2) Hahaha

6.0 
The Laugh: "Hahahaha"
Definition: I REALLY thought that was funny!
Example:
1) Dude, Kanye just tweeted "Do you know where to find marble conference tables? I'm looking to have a conference...not until I get the table though"
2) Hahahaha

7.0 
The Laugh: "Muahahahaha!"
Definition: I have no friends, but I REALLY want some.
Example:
1) I'm just going to dip out of work early today. Screw my boss, its too nice outside.
2) Muahahahaha!
1) Ok, take it easy pal.

8.0 
The Laugh: "aaaaahahahaha!"
Definition: That joke was slightly offensive...but I'm laughing at it anyway.
Example:
1) Sometimes I get so excited my thoughts come out jumbled. I'm like that LA reporter, "And the irgle of furningaf be gurgle de lookernat".
2) aaaahahahaha! aw, sad.

9.0 
The Laugh: "BAHahahahaha!"
Definition: I blurted out laughter before catching myself, resulting in disgusting looks from my co-workers. But I don't care because that was hilarious!
Example:
1) What's a human suitcase?
2) Its that thing of when a midget on roller skates puts on all your clothes and you pull them through an airport.
2) Haven't you seen Saturday Night Live's Stefon?

9.5 
The Laugh: "BLAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahhahaha!"
Definition: I peed a little.

Example:

1) That was a quick trip to the bathroom.

2) I just peed a little.

(Editor's note: I may have misinterpreted this one.)

10.0 
The Laugh: "OMG! LOLOLOLOL BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!"
Definition: I peed a lot.

Example:

1) Steven Tyler's face.

0.0 
The Laugh: "ZOMG!" 
Definition: I have no friends. And I probably don't deserve any.
Example:
2) So you're sure we went to high school together?
1) ZOMG! We totes did! I had a class near you!
1) You want to come over and play Tekken with me?
1) ...??

Thank you, and goodnight.

TOMS Shoes, Hipsters and Smoke Detectors

I'm sure you've heard of TOMS shoes. You know, the shoes that look like canvas and a pair is given away to a child in need whenever you buy one? (Although I'm wondering how a small child in Ethiopia is managing wearing the same pair of wedges I bought for my wife, but that's beside the point).

I'm a big fan of that company if for nothing else than it became popular for being a charitable organization by supporting and supplying children in need with pairs of shoes. We take for granted the 12-80 pairs of shoes in our closet.

I own a pair and my wife owns a few pairs and I suppose we'll purchase more in the future because they go to a good cause.

Don't worry, this isn't another righteous thinking blog. I'm going to make fun of hipsters, just be patient.

Anyway, last night, in my drunken stupor of sleep (not actually drunk, just using adjectives), somewhere between 10-15 minutes before my blaring smoke detector woke me up, I had this thought: Hipsters and the beneficiaries from TOMS shoes aren't so different...one group is just trying to be ironic.

Think about it. The children in need who receive these shoes are pretty similar to the super modern, hyper-cool, anti-whatever-you-say, stick-it-to-modern-thinking, mac-book-pro, consumer whores I call hipsters.

First, and most obvious, both groups wear TOMS shoes. Sure the kids wear the generic gray flats to match their school uniforms while we wear something called a "Vegan Wrap", which I always thought was a sandwich and not something you put your toes in. Then again, there's no telling what vegan will put their feet in. I know, I'm related to two of them.

They both wear jeans or pants that are two to four sizes too small. Some on purpose because they don't like the thought of being able to have children, others because its the one pair of jeans their family owns.

They both wear shirts that should have never been made. Some wear "2004 Carolina Panther's Super Bowl Champions" shirts because they're ironic, others because they received a box of them from some good natured Americans, and, hey, who ever doubted that Jake Delhomme could win a Super Bowl?

Often both groups will use a strand of rope or old twine as a belt, and fashion other useful items out of duct tape. One group because they don't have any money and struggle to afford basic hygiene, and the other group because they live in a third world country and are being oppressed.

To cap off any outfit, both grab whatever garbage is laying around and hang it from their neck or stick it through their ears or on a hat and call it "accessorizing". I'm no fashion guru, but I know enough to say that a'int right.

So it appears we're not so different after all. Think of that the next time you want to wear a Hawaiian shirt and sport coat to a club to stand out. There are poor children all over the world wearing the same thing and pretending to be 1985 Super Bowl winner Dan Marino.

Or when you want to wear a fedora and a cardigan while taking artsy worm's-eye view photos of people's feet. Keep in mind, there are tiny grandpa's all over the world doing the same thing.

They say history repeats itself, I say artsy hipster's are the bane of the existence of the modern-era man.

But what do I know?  I'm the guy who wakes up to a smoke detector instead of a regular alarm. So can you really trust me?

Examine

I am an eternal optimist. I am. I can't help but think that everything that happens to us is eventually going to work out for the best in our lives. Perhaps it's my faith that leads me to this conclusion, or it could just be the way I learned to approach the world.

Or, perhaps its because, looking back at my life, I realize that all my struggles have shaped me into the man that I am today. And the things I struggle with now only give me opportunities to improve myself for the future. Deepening relationships, overcoming fears, confronting embarrassment.

But this isn't about me. Which is odd, because its usually about me.

We are consumed, driven, motivated by impressing others. We post Facebook statuses that are clever and funny to see how many people will "Like" it. We share with the world we just got a great job or a promotion, or post pictures of the cute outfit we wore to the incredible club/party/gala event we just went to. We do all we can to subtly shout to the world that we are succeeding at life. That we have it all together. That we are as good, or better, than you are.

And we forget to take a look at ourselves, or at our friends, in a deep and meaningful way. We forget that underneath the high-paying job, or H&M sweater, or over-sized sunglasses there is a person who is dealing with something in their life that they wish they weren't.

That they struggle to be accepted, to be who they really are, to tell that world that they need help.

You're not supposed to ask for help, you know. It's a sign of weakness. Like crying. Don't cry. You wouldn't want to show us your emotions.

Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry. It ranks top 10 of things I want to happen that rarely ever do. Right above finding a $20 bill in my pocket, but underneath being allowed to smack to some talent into Katy Perry.

If you are consumed, as most are and I often am, with proving to people that you are somebody, that you have a voice and you should be heard. That you have your life together. That you have goals, plans, a future. Take a step back today and examine yourself. Honestly.

Don't worry, no one has to know. Pretend that you're a Nickleback album...no one is listening.

I assume you haven't stopped reading to think about yourself. And I won't belabor the point. Just do it. Promise? Then you can continue reading.

You know all that messed up stuff you just found out about yourself? That thing you keep hidden from everybody else?

Remember that everyone is hiding at least one of those things in their life.

This isn't a call to action. It's not a condemnation of you for trying to fit in. It's not even a sermon about why you might need Jesus in your life.

I just want to make you aware. To remind you that everyone you talk to today, and everyone you creep on via Facebook, is dealing with something. Their life isn't normal. They don't have it all together.

Everyone is dealing with problems in their life. Yet only a few of us are working towards making it better. Towards fixing it. Towards being a better person.

Remember that.

But don't worry. It'll all work out for the best in your life.

Trust me. I'm an optimist.

And if that doesn't work? Then, in the words of my pastor, "You don't think you have anything to be thankful for? Did you wake up today?! Are you breathing?!" Let's start there.