My Baseball Theory

I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least try to fix the one sport that makes less sense than a solar powered flashlight.

While I do this, baseball homers (double entendre!) will follow their usual course of action and point to meaningless facts and statistics like "Baseball is the second most popular sport in America!" or "Baseball is America's past time!" and turn an unabashed eye to the fact that baseball's time is, in reality, passing.

The sport is losing popularity, no doubt. That is an irrevocable fact you may not challenge me on (my blog, my rules). There are generations of middle aged and elderly men who cling to the glory days of past when cable television was terrible, the Internet was not yet invented and the only way to kill 4 hours of your day was to keep score of a major league game. Ahh, yes. The glorious days of yore. When 'milkman' was a job title, computers took up entire rooms, and racism was OK in certain company.

Then things changed. The Internet became our universal hang-out spot, cable television went from being "good" to "absolutely must-see, and if I don't I can watch in on the Internet, or as I like to call it, my universal hang out spot."

The NFL grew rapidly with the advancements in Fantasy Football technology, bringing the game closer to the average fan. HDTV made you feel like you were in the huddle and became a better viewing experience than attending games in person. The NBA is squeezing every ounce of usefulness out of the Internet by posting all their clips online, streaming games live online, and hosting the largest internet communities on Facebook and Twitter for a major American sport. The NHL is even facing a resurgence in popularity through its attempts to highlight young stars, smashing hits, and allowing the players to enforce each other instead of distinguishing a Flagrant 1 from a Flagrant 2.

Baseball changed too. They prohibited people from posting clips of games on YouTube, they stubbornly entrenched themselves in their prehistoric ways and fought against change at every turn.

Just like the old business man who prefers to do things with pen and paper will get pushed out of his position after refusing to learn what Microsoft Excel is, baseball, if nothing changes, will slowly die as less and less of the sport appeals to young fans.

The current generation of MLB lovers will pass on and leave behind...well, not much. What about 4 and a half hour games between two teams at the bottom of their divisions featuring pitchers just called up from the minors in the middle of a 162 game season appeals to 12 year olds?

So I thought about what we can do to make baseball more exciting. It's really the least I can do.

How about this: instead of teams having a pitching rotation featuring upwards of 5 players, make it like the QB position in football. You get a starting pitcher, a backup, and a third stringer. Limit the number of roster spots by position and reduce the number of games.

There was a pitcher starting for Tampa Bay (or something) who had lost 29 games in a row. Why does he still have a job? If he did that in the NFL he'd be called "The Redskins Starting QB". Meanwhile, the Phillies have four of the four best pitchers in the game stacking their rotation.

Would any NFL team want to have Tom Brady, Peyton Manning and Aaron Rogers all on the same team? What good would that do them except to prevent other teams from having those guys?

So here's what I propose. Limit the bullpen to three pitchers. Play two games per week, giving time to rest their shoulders, and in case of injury you start your backups.

I puke at the fact that I heard a month ago on SportsCenter an MLB team had put a player on the Disabled List due to "Dead Arm". ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?

Isiah Thomas once finished an NBA Finals game on a broken ankle. A BROKEN ANKLE! Make the MLB players man up and get tough. God forbid the pitches become more hitable and the scores increase.

Tangent: I saw the new MLB commercial of players running home and crashing into the catcher, or outfielders chasing the same fly ball and colliding, then the words "Baseball, who said it wasn't a contact sport?" flashed on the screen. I honestly thought it was a joke. Wasn't this the sport, just a few weeks earlier, calling for the head of the player who injured catcher Buster Posey while trying to break up the throw on his way home? There has been one notable collision in Baseball in the last 10 years, and THIS is their new ad campaign. I hate this sport.

Three man rotation, two games per week, limit the roster spots by position and, what the heck, add a pitch clock in there as well. Shorten the game to 7 innings (wouldn't want those pitchers getting Dead Arm), and have pitchers throw complete, or mostly complete games. Get rid of the dead weight pitching staff in the league and spread the talent out.

That way, when the Nationals draft a guy like Stephen Strasburg, it'll feel like we drafted Sam Bradford or Peyton Manning, a pitcher for the future, a guy to base our franchise on, and a player who we can count on to dominate in every game...not one out of every five games. What's the use of one great pitcher if, at the most, he can win 20% of your games for you?

Put clips online, stream games online, build the brand via social marketing tools and fire the crap out of Bud Selig and hire Mark Cuban. Add a salary cap per team so the Yankees, Red Sox and Phillies can't buy up everyone they want and leave teams like Kansas City, Houston, and San Diego picking up off the scrap heap.

Doesn't seem too difficult does it? But when you have a sport run by old farts so lodged in their old-school style of thought, thinking the sport will succeed on its tradition and this is just a down period, change never happens.

My final attempt to save baseball? Allow PEDs. Not the dangerous ones, just the ones that give a slight advantage. Might as well, right? The sport became a joke because of it. It was in the peak of its popularity when the big name players were using. All the records are tainted because of it. Just succumb to the pressure....come to the dark side.

Oh, and we HAVE to stop letting the managers wear baseball uniforms. C'mon, they look like pajamas. You can't defend that. It's gotta stop.

Sports Center

As surely as people who say they understood Inception are lying, Sports Center in July is slow, boring and repetitive. It's like watching a Matthew McConaughey romantic comedy:

"I'm just a super relaxed dude who doesn't want to settle down."

"Well, alright alright, look at this pretty girl. She might just tame this free bird."

"I'm going to take my shirt off and do something romantic that doesn't go as planned but turns out super cute anyway."

"Girls want to be with me, and guys want to break my femur."

And to prove that Sports Center is largely a waste of time in July, I'll give you the programming formula used to write every episode this month.

The Lead-

Today's top story is the latest scandal in sports. Choose between a player being arrested for something, Brett Favre saying something to anybody, or college sports being ruined by players getting paid by agents. Just show anything that isn't a baseball highlight to trick viewers into committing to the show.

Highlights-

The highlight reels in July do not vary from day-to-day as one might suspect. In some form or another you will see this:

-One baseball team shutout another baseball team. Anchor will comment something about getting the pitcher in fantasy baseball. (Side note, can we agree that fantasy baseball players are the Dungeon and Dragon kids of sports? Don't get me wrong, fantasy football players are the comic book nerds. But fantasy baseball? You're just trying to get beat up.)

-The next baseball game goes into extra innings and one of the players drove in a winning run and was the hero. (I think that if a baseball game goes into extra innings all the fans should be reimbursed for their tickets, food and beverages. They didn't pay to watch 11 innings! They should not be forced to watch a game for 4 hours! It's inhumane.)

-The rest of the baseball highlights can be summed up as followed: someone made a diving catch, there was a double play, a home run was hit, a manager got thrown out cause he was bored, a third baseman threw the ball to first for an out. I changed the channel. And the final score was 2-1 (yet, baseball fans complain about soccer being low scoring).

-Speaking of soccer! We'll show clips from two modest, unknown soccer teams because there is a chance you're into soccer still as the World Cup was this year. ("Yea, but that was over a month ago". False. Less than two weeks. Americans just tuned out June 26th after Ghana embarrassed us.)

Top Stories-

Onto things that aren't highlights, but will fill some time before the Top Plays.

-Brett Favre announced today that he is feeling old, but he loves football. Then he smiled and winked at reporters, who then gushed and laughed at his jokes. 5 minutes were spent covering this. No news was reported.

-An NBA player announced they wanted a trade. Other versions of this include A) A retired player decided he wants to play for the Heat so he can win a title, B) we remind you that LeBron, Wade and Bosh are, indeed, playing for the Heat, or C) we show clips of a retired Hall-of-Famer saying they'd never do what LeBron did (Mostly cause they didn't think of it first)

Top Plays-

10) Remember that diving catch we showed earlier? HERE IT IS AGAIN!

9) *Anchor calls this one niner instead of nine to be funny* Surprise! It's a clip of something that isn't a sport! Something like snail racing, mud pit belly flopping, or turd chucking. Just. Great. Television. (No, seriously. This is my favorite part of the episode.)

8) Check out this sweet double play!

7) Look at this outfielder make this sliding catch! It's not a diving catch so we ranked it higher.

6) Remember that game that was a shutout? Here are some of the pitches!

5) Wanna see ANOTHER diving catch?! We don't care. Just watch it.

4) Here are some shots of the a European crowd doing weird stuff in the stands. It's not a "play" necessarily, but it makes the Top 10.

3) ESPN does too love soccer! Here's the goal we showed you from the highlight package earlier!

2) Annnnnnd, boom goes the dynamite! The #2 play is the game winning run from earlier. Did we mention it was a sac-fly?

1) Boo ya! A clip from summer league basketball, a high school game, or CFL football. Sports people care about.

Then the show repeats.

So, if you ever miss an episode of Sports Center this summer just come back here and get your fill of the recap! I promise you the results will never change. Like when an athlete goes to a strip club, someone is getting shot.

What'd I miss?

In response...

Some things are better left unsaid, this isn't one of those things. I'd be remiss if I failed to offer more in-depth support of my previous thesis. So, if you anger easily, are irrational and have been brainwashed to love baseball, keep reading and feel free to respond!

A good friend of mine is what I describe as a "baseball homer". One of those lifetime fans who grew up around baseball and loves it more than anything. I know right? Doesn't make sense to me either. Anyway, his fiancée decided that for April Fools Day she would tell him that one of his heroes used steroids. He bought it. No questions asked. Hook, line, sinker. He was demoralized. I love this because it serves to prove my point. And because I gained a small amount of joy from it.

If the ESPN headline tomorrow read, "Albert Pujols Admits to Steroid Use", you know who would be shocked? NO ONE! When every one of your star player's reputations can be utterly decimated overnight with no one blinking an eye in surprise, you have a problem with your sport. Sure we'd all be upset that the most recent baseball legend had fallen from grace, but would most of the nation be surprised? I know people who believe Ken Griffey Jr- the ballplayer next door, everyone's favorite guy- used steroids. They just assume ballplayer is synonymous with steroid user. The game has lost all credibility, deservedly or not. It's like someone saying that John Wayne is un-American, you just can't believe anything that person says anymore.

Here's the real point, there is a MAJOR difference between steroids and gun possession (or any of the many other off the field embarrassments that plague major league sports). Using steroids is cheating. Bringing guns to the locker room or a strip club does not give an athlete a competitive advantage over the rest of the league. Yes its a disgrace, an abomination and proves that athletes are not necessarily role models, but it isn't cheating. There is no competitive edge gained by shooting a hooker. Not that I know of. Comparing steroids to gun use is an egregious error in judgement. One affects on field performance and the other shows the pathetic character of a man. You want a solution? Make all the violators watch the Padres play the Indians, they won't want to suffer through that torture again.

The length of the season has nothing to do with how close the standings are when you finally decide to end the madness. It has everything to do with the dilution of a product that already isn't all that enticing. Halfway through last season Texas was only a game and a half behind the Angels. It's still a race, why do we have to suffer for 80 more games? Don't think I'm just bashing baseball, I also think the NBA season is way too long. 82 games? There isn't enough incentive to make all these games valuable. It's just painful. Especially when you're a Wizards and Nationals fan. I can't honestly be expected to watch JaVale McGee 70 times a season, right?

Here's another thing, the money companies invest in the NFL provides an important representation of the nation at the time. People cling to football games, they obsess over them, each one can determine the success or failure of the season or their fantasy teams. Ad revenue gained directly correlates to the value the nation places on it. You don't see companies paying $3 million dollars for a 30 second spot for a mid-season Pirates v. Nationals game do you? I'm pretty sure the only ads they play for those games are for LifeAlert and Depends.

As for the 7th Inning Stretch, this is the only break in sports that is for the fans. The athletes in the NFL, NBA, NHL, MLS, need a break at halftime, periods or quarters to rest and recover. It keeps the quality of competition on the field high at all times. Baseball involves so much inactivity that the fans are given the opportunity to stand up, stretch, yawn, and grab a hot dog. Look up any history about the 7th inning stretch it says nothing about the players. HOW DOES THIS SPORT MAKE ANY SENSE?!

You can explain OPS all you want, but it still means nothing to me. Naturally all sports keep stats and data sets on record, but baseball goes overboard. We're talking hundreds, if not thousands, of statistical categories. CATEGORIES! QB passer rating? Sure its a little absurd and doesn't give the most accurate representation of the value of a QB, but what are BABIP, BsR, DIPS, EQA, FBV, LIPS, PECOTA, PERA, PW/BFW, VORP, wOBA, Pythagorean expectation, Range Factor, and Super Linear weights doing for you? You can't justify the level of obsession baseball degenerates go to in order to justify and explain their sport. It's outlandish, preposterous, bonkers, I say!

One more thing, the luxury tax does nothing to solve the wide disparity of financial value of teams. The tax incurred if teams spend over the limit isn't distributed to smaller teams to promote competitive balance, it goes into an "Industry Growth Fund" that is used for player benefits and marketing purposes to promote baseball. The money that is provided to smaller market teams comes from the MLB's revenue sharing program which is an entirely separate entity from the luxury tax. If this bores you, try to figure out this picture while the baseball nerds read and understand the next paragraph.

Rich teams (yanks, sox, etc) already have enough dough to cover the luxury tax, making it largely ineffective. Read this: The Blue Ribbon Panel explained it this way: "It is generally agreed that the luxury tax fell short of its intended goal because the tax threshold (which was calculated as the mid-point between the fifth and six highest payroll clubs) was allowed to adjust upward in response to club behavior. The flaw in the "floating threshold" was obvious: the more the high payroll clubs spent on players, the higher the tax threshold and the less restraint on payroll escalation."

In layman's terms, teams with more money can spend more and push the luxury tax limit higher and higher effectively nullifying its purpose.

Look, baseball is a widely popular sport, people love it, I get it. All I'm doing is pointing out blatantly obvious flaws and proving to you its allure is expired like old milk. Here's an open challenge to make me appreciate baseball- take me to a game with you (your treat) and let me know what it's all about. I'm willing to change, even if baseball isn't.

And hey, at least no one took issue with my barber.

More American than Baseball

American culture, like the nation itself, is ever changing. Things rarely stay the same. So, what's more American than baseball, apple pie and hot dogs? I can think of a number of things, and one of them has to do with a Vietnamese man massaging my face.

See, American culture is always shifting, always developing and rarely ever remaining the same. Sure, baseball is America's #1 sport...if this is the 1960s. Here are a few things that are provenly more American than baseball.

1. Cowboys - No, not like the Dallas Cowboys. Those are a bunch of pretty boy girly men who consistently under perform. They're like the Colin Ferrel of football (who, by the way, is recognized for one great role in Crazy Heart where he plays a country singer who wears a cowboy hat. Proving my point about cowboys). I'm talking cowboys like John Wayne cowboys. You know, the larger than life, mostly unrealistic, Hollywood depictions of cowboys. The trailblazers. They're rough, rugged and the foundation of what America is supposed to be about. They go out into the wild and conquer with no remorse. Cowboys are the reason we have words like wrangle, buckaroo, and rustler. They're the original captains of industry and they are most certainly American. I dare you to tell a cowboy to his face he's not American.
2. Football - Not only is the NFL America's consensus #1 favorite sport (source, Harris Poll), it also more accurately represents the nation. Yes, in the 1940s and 50s baseball was America's game. It is our pastime, there's no arguing that. However, the NFL has reached a level of popularity, success and intrigue that is unmatched by other sports. The shortened season (you know, not 162 games), the notoriety of the Super Bowl and the ad revenue gained cause it to eclipse the popularity of the MLB, NBA or NHL. In the NFL each game is crucially important to the season, when you play 162 games you can lose 76 games and still make the playoffs and clinch your division. 76 GAMES! The Indianapolis Colts haven't lost 76 games this DECADE. Placing an importance on winning, that's American.
3. Synthetically Manufactured Recreational Chemicals - Sure there are drug problems all over the world, but there is something distinctly American about recreational drug use. Think about it, American scientists have made great strides in developing growth hormones and steroids that boost performance, yet are relatively undetectable on most regulation drug tests. That way, people who compete athletically can break records and generate buzz about their sport under the guise of legitimacy. Its so exciting! We Americans love falsifying record books and cheating to get ahead. Its what makes our country great! ....Face it, you're sport is forever tainted, and that's not American (Neither is the Tour de France sans Lance Armstrong).
4. NASCAR - The National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing is America's most popular spectator sport (source, Harris Poll). If you've seen a Goodyear Blimp shot of a raceway you know two things. 1) They are enormous and 2) they are filled to max capacity. NASCAR is even more American when you attend the race. You have down home, salt of the earth type people drinking cheap beers, eating fatty fried foods, and hooting and hollering. NASCAR is deeply rooted in tradition and stems from the American auto-business, a staple in the foundation of modern American factory work and mass production. Make fun of its viewers all you want, don't call it a sport, say its full of hicks, whatever. But it is American. Plus, watching cars crash is more exciting than watching a player adjust the straps on his gloves, his helmet, his jock strap, spit twice, squeeze the bat and readjust his jock again. Seriously, it is. In fact, I just spent 10 minutes YouTubing baseball at-bats and couldn't bring myself to link one here because they're so boring.
5. Barber Shops - Barber shops represent the American dream. What's more American than a Vietnamese family moving to America and starting up a successful business? I love getting my hair cut at these places. Who cares if my $15 hair cut doesn't immediately make the ladies swoon? When was the last time baseball wrapped a warm towel around my face and massaged my neck? Huh!? And how many rhetorical questions can I ask in a row?!?!

I could go on, talking about big business, coal, steel, oil and tobacco. The things America was founded on and [unfortunately] still run it today. But, much like watching baseball, you'd need to have giant sausages racing around to keep me interested. Baseball is so boring they've incorporated a designated time for everyone to get up from their naps and stretch. Perhaps they'll sing a song to get their juices flowing again so the crowd can be focused for the final innings. Does this happen anywhere else in the world that isn't the 3rd grade?

Look, baseball is a pastime for a reason. And quite frankly (pardon the pun) its time has passed. It needs a major overhaul. Baseball fans you know you agree a little bit with this fact. Baseball is broken. The season is 162 games, about 130 games too long. There are baseball games on TV almost everyday from April to October. Not to mention Spring Training in March. Are you kidding me? Its like when Germany began printing money after World War I. They printed so much that it had no value. People were wallpapering their houses with Franks, kids played with bricks of money like toys and it didn't make a difference. Similarly, you could build a full size replica of the Trump Tower with worthless baseball games.

We already talked about steroids, and I won't abuse that too much. Its like squirting lemon juice in a paper cut. However, steroids have not only questioned the integrity of the sport, they've made it even less exciting. Sure hitting 34 homers in a season is a nice achievement, but will the casual fan even care? If it's not 70 or more we are not interested. I'll admit, I watched when Sosa and McGwire were hammering them at every at-bat. Now? Not a chance. To make up for this, incredible emphasis is placed on absurd statistics. Do I care that Justin Morneau's OPS was .878 in 2009? DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT SENTENCE MEANS?!

In fact, baseball is so numbers obsessed that a whole new analytical tool was created to observe the game. Sabermetrics allows baseball nerds to obsess over every minute aspect imaginable. As if their sport has lost so much credibility that my high school's "It's Academic" team was challenged to come up with some physical evidence to measure the game by. Sabermetric users would say that batting average isn't important because it provides a poor fit for teams runs scored. I would say, spend less time with a calculator and more time learning to talk to girls. Instead, they emphasize on base percentage and other tired old statistics that make the game less entertaining. What kind of stats do you hear about in football? Touchdowns scored and yardage gained. Basketball? Points, assists and rebounds. Nascar? Wins and top 10 finishes. Why are there hundreds of different stats for baseball? With more being created each year!

Those aren't the only problems. The league has no salary cap, which means rich teams get richer and poor teams get poorer. It destroys the integrity of the game and consolidates the talent pool to wealthier teams while ball clubs in smaller markets struggle to stay afloat. Why are the Yankees always good? Well, they're the most recognizable baseball team, right? So they sell lots of merchandise, right? So they have more money than say, the Kansas City Royals, right? So they can pay A-Rod $250 million and not break a sweat.

Its just a flawed, obnoxious sport that survives on the glory days of its past. I don't doubt the game used to be a staple of American culture, and that it is still a widely popular sport, but its just not relevant anymore. You're either a baseball homer or you're not. Baseball fans, you are like hockey fans from a few years ago. There are fanatics who can talk your ear off about why their sport is great and the tradition and blah blah blah. And then there's everybody else, who knows that having to watch a baseball game is worse than having to wear a wool turtleneck in August.

The stadiums are pretty cool though. I'll give you that.