Fans

Fans are what make sports work. In the same way that grocery stores can't operate without high school students, professional sports don't exist without fans.

Think about it, you have egotistical (and often illiterate) athletes, money crazed owners, power crazed coaches and money-power crazed advertisers who feed off the hopes and dreams of our youth. None of that can work without die-hard, scream-til-you're-blue-in-the-face, throw-the-remote-at-the-TV, fans who hang on every moment, every move, and every decision the front office of their favorite franchise makes. Fans make sports go. If the fans leave, the team leaves (see Expos, Montreal or Super Sonics, Seattle).

Fans are the heart and soul of professional sports and rightfully so. We're accustomed to paying inordinate amounts of cash monies to see them, spending ungodly amounts of time researching player injuries, and sacrificing our bodies for our team.

Not in the "I'd run a marathon or dive in front of a bullet for you" kind of way, but more in a "I'll gorge myself on fried food and paint my beer-gut for you" kind of way.

Fans can be everything that is right with sports. A dad taking his son to his first baseball football game, a kid getting an autograph from his favorite player, or a child reaching out for a high five as players walk off the field.

Pretty much anything to do with children. Because adult fans end up ruining everything.

In honor of you, the fan, I'm presenting a list of the 8 worst types of fans (I chose eight instead of ten because you'll stop reading after four and writing six extra ones seemed excessive). Here we go!

1) Fans of great teams- There's nothing worse than a friend who is a fan of a great team. They just don't get it. You have to put up with them saying things like, "I wonder if Tom Brady will resign for $50 million or $150 million." or "Man, Kobe really is working hard in the gym. I hope he doesn't hurt his finger." They don't have real worries. I worry about whether or not my team will have a running back who is conscious for a whole season, or how long it will take the Wizards to hurt John Wall, or when Ovechkin will decide if he teams up with Sidney Crosby they could be the Heat of the NHL! I worry about when Strasburg's "shoulder inflamation" is going to turn into an elbow injury, which will turn into Tommy John Surgery, and then into the IR, then the DL (no, I don't know the difference between the IR and DL in baseball and no, I don't care), then the minors, then bald and fatness. I wish I had the chance to worry about whether Peyton Manning is doing too many commercials or way too many commercials, instead of worrying "Will my quarterback sign a contract that extends past this season?"

2) Fans of terrible teams- On the flip side of fans of great teams, are these worthless bottom feeders. Here's my thing, I love to discuss sports. I'll argue the value of Frank Gore in fantasy terms with the addition of Brian Westbrook and the loss of Glenn Coffee all day long. I love the discussion, the disagreement, the favoritism. It's all good. As long as its semi-rational. I don't even need a coherent, congruent thought process. I just need semi-logical. But I cannot discuss things with you when you get irrational, and fans of terrible sports teams are the most illogical folk around.

- "We'll be good next year, we're just too young." No. Your team has been terrible for 15 years, its not changing unless your owner dies and I buy the team.

- "The Yankees time is ending, the Orioles are going to run the division soon." False. The Yankees have dominated you for as long as existence has existed.

- "The Cowboys will win the Super Bowl this year." Just like they won that 1 playoff game this decade? One less playoff game than the Redskins have won this decade? (I'm grasping, but whatever. Its true.)

Just don't make stupid arguments. Anyone can get drunk and say things like, "Your mom is a free agent!" That doesn't make you right. Or smart. Or someone I'm not punching.

3) Non-oscillating fans- Why would you make a fan that doesn't rotate? That's not efficient.

4) Fans who care about their fantasy team over their regular team- I love fantasy football. Love it. I'm all in, 100%. However, I live by a few rules in fantasy football. Don't draft Cowboys players, don't draft Redskins players, and don't draft anyone from the Browns. Granted the last two are because there's no one worthwhile on those teams, but the first rule is in place so I'll never have to root for the Cowboys or any of their players. Nothing worse than being in the room with a guy who is rooting for Miles Austin to score, but the Redskins to win.

5) Fans of Self-Glorifying Athletes- Look, if LeBron is your favorite basketball player, Adrian Peterson is your favorite footballer and Alex Rodriguez is your man in baseball there is a problem. Everyone can see that. But if you're a Vikings fan and you're following Brett Favre's every move you have a bigger problem. I've never seen a group of grown men grovel at the feet of a man, begging him to return to them who wasn't named Jesus. It's pathetic. If you're coach didn't look like the least popular guy at a orthodontist convention maybe you would have went after a quarterback who wasn't alive and fighting during the War of 1812. Donovan McNabb was available. I just can't get over how low this franchise will stoop to worship the ground beneath their "football savior". When your team is stockpiling the likes of Tavaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfelds red flags should be flying. You don't start to worry when the only guy who commits less than the Bachelor can decide if he's returning or not. Vikings fans let him make it all about himself and will spend the rest of the year defending him. I'm over that franchise and their fans. They are the lowest of the low. Except for my wife's parents. They're awesome.

Ok, off my high-horse tangent and back to the list.

6) Ceiling Fans Directly Above the Bed- These have to be offset. Otherwise your lips get all chapped and your eyes get dried out. Its less than ideal.

7) Out of Touch Fans- You know these people. They love their team because of its storied history. They remember the glory days of the past. They want to relive the winning and believe championships are right around the corner. Delusional. Idiotic. Redskins Fans. We can't help it. When its good, its real good. We know it will happen again, we just believe it will always be this season. These are the fans who also ask you how player X is doing this year, even though you know that player X was going to be released because he violated the morality clause in his contract, but instead they got rid of him in a Sign-and-Trade with Portland to minimize loss. You know this because you have him on your fantasy team and you're hoping he scores 30 points against your team this weekend. You know, as long as they win.

And finally,

8) The Know-Nothing Fans- They make similar claims as the Fans of Terrible Teams, and are often confused with Out of Touch Fans, but this group is a special breed. They rant and rave about the team they love, but don't have time to follow closely. They listen to sound bites from local sports radio and recite facts back to you without context. They often impress the common person who doesn't care enough to know where Kevin Durant is from or where he went to high school. Yet, when they run into an educated fan (read, me) they are often put off. They'll say, "Did you hear the Redskins released Willie Parker and are going to try to trade for Steven Jackson?". When in fact, Willie Parker was moved up the depth chart to 3rd string, and many hope that the Redskins will pursue Vincent Jackson as a viable starting wide receiver, instead of the midget Santana Moss or the clutz Devin Thomas. These fans are like Jon Gosselin at a parenting conference.

So here's hoping you never become one of these fans. And for those of you who already are, there's a turd sandwich I'd like to serve you.

Redskins v. Bills, Preseason Game 1

We're back folks! The time has come for me to bore you endlessly with acute observations about teams you probably don't care about and stats you DEFINITELY won't care about. I'll do my best to keep it as interesting as possible, and if you're a Redskins fan there's an outside chance you'll enjoy it. If you're a Cowboys fan you'll laugh at it. But you can go fall in a hole. So who cares.

Now lets look at the stat breakdown for McNabb in this year's 1st pre-season game as compared to his last 10 first pre-season games and get a linear regression going to project his productivity for this season. Ready?

No, I wouldn't do that you. Not until the regular season starts.

So here's the deal- the mighty, mighty Redskins faced off against the Buffalo Bills last Friday and it set the D.C. area on fire. We're all pumped up for this season, hoping to not be let down...again. As usual Redskins fans are over confident and already predicting a Super Bowl appearance.

We may not be the smartest fans...but we're loyal. We'd be Ron Weasly if this were a Harry Potter book.

Yes, I know it was a pre-season game which means its worth less than a mud pie in Georgia, and yes, I know it was against the Bills so we might as well have been playing St. Augustine's School for Blind Girls, but its not the final score that's important here (42-17 by the way). So here are a few observations I furiously jotted down in order to make your Monday afternoon a little more tolerable.

It starts at the top. Everything stands and falls on leadership. You could visibly see the difference between having McNabb under center versus having Jason Campbell. Its the difference between putting Mario Andretti behind the wheel of a car and putting my 4 year old nephew behind the wheel of a car....while blindfolded...with a sandwich in his hand.

Donovan converted 3rd downs, established steady rhythm with Chris Cooley (who will have a great fantasy year, btw), and commanded the offense with confidence. He has nothing to prove now. The opposite of Campbell's situation in D.C.

You see this in football but its largely underrated. When the quarterback is in control the rest of the team follows his lead. You have to have a guy under center who is in control.

Everything stands and falls on leadership. Guys were playing committed. Rookie left tackle Trent Williams played great, despite his nerves. London Fletcher hasn't lost a step and he tracked down and caught a guy from behind on the sideline. Clinton Portis carried the ball 6 times in a pre-season game. A pre-season game! Clinton Portis carried the ball 6 times last year. Even Big Al Haynesworth got in there and mixed things up, played with dominance and created opportunities for the rest of the team.

I'm telling you, everything stands and falls on leadership. The night before the Redskins game I was watching the Ravens take on the Panthers, for the sole reason of checking on my fantasy RB Ray Rice (He had 0 carries for 0 yards. Should be a great season for me). Prior to the start of the game, while the broadcasters are babbling on about this and that trying to create story lines for the pre-season action, I had a moment that made me laugh out loud. The cameras were scanning the players, fans, cheerleaders, and coaches. It paused on the only face on the field that could stir up such a dichotomy of emotions in me. Ravens newly acquired QB coach, and former Redskins head coach, Jim Zorn.

If you missed it you'll be glad to know he had the same dumbfounded, glazed over look on his face that he had all last season. I like the guy, but good riddance.

Mike Shanahan hasn't been in D.C. very long but there's is a colossal change afoot. You think Zorn was going to make Haynesworth sit out of practice until he passed some ridiculous (and unnecessary for a D-lineman) conditioning test? No chance. But Shanny is in charge now. He's makes the decisions.

He got Haynesworth to go back on his claim that he doesn't fit in a 3-4 defense saying, "They allow me to pass rush and everything like that, which is really important to me." Shanny has tamed the beast! Everything stands and falls on leadership.

What starts at the top trickles down. Shanahan enforces policy, McNabb leads the players, Haynesworth crumbles, and the fans respond.

Let's not forget this is a pre-season game. Yet in D.C. at FedEx field, the greatest fans in the world were so loud I heard them through my TV. They forced the Bills to use a timeout because they couldn't get the play called...in a PRE-SEASON GAME. That just doesn't happen.

As a Redskins fan you're fired up to see McNabb scramble for a first down, to see Devin Thomas catch a 44 yard bomb from Rex Grossman, to see DeAngelo Hall adjust on the spot and intercept a pass.

But if you're a D.C. sports fan, you're REALLY excited to see Brandon Banks run a punt back for a score and go straight into the John Wall dance. My only hope now is to get Strasburg to do that after he pitches his first no-hitter, and Ovie to make that his goal celebration.

Change is here in D.C. Just not the kind Obama promised.

Then again...it was the Bills.

2009 Redskins Not Top 10

In honor of the Redskins training camp starting this week, I thought I'd reflect back on a few of my favorite moments from last season. I know its early, but I'm as excited for football season as Ryan Seacrest is for a mani-pedi.

AJ's Top 10 Favorite Redskins Moments from 2009

1) Pre-season game vs. the Pittsburgh Steelers - After being shut-out the week prior to the Baltimore Ravens, the Skins rebounded and beat the Steelers in a meaningless pre-season game. It makes top moments only because my wife is a Steelers fan and I knew I had to take advantage of this opportunity. The Redskins beating the Steelers will probably only happen once in the next 10 years. Oddly, thats the same number of times Ben Roethlisberger will have consensual relations with a woman.

2) Redskins v. Rams Week 2 - This epic scoring battle was a true testament to what it means to grind it out. A famous gridiron battle that ended in the narrowest of margins, 9-7. When you can't score a touchdown against the worst team in the league, and have to rely on a last minute field goal to clinch victory, you should just end the season there. It's better to call it quits than force people to watch a terrible product, no matter how much money is made. Like when Zach Braff decided to go from doing Scrubs to acting on Broadway.

3) Redskins v. Lions Week 3 - I had my doubts about the longevity of the Redskins season after the previous week's embarrassing performance against the Rams, but (as any Skins fan does) I irrationally clung to the hope of a better tomorrow. The Lions game actually proved to be my greatest sports prediction ever. In the first quarter the Redskins were on the Lions 1 yard line and about to score. I turned to Michele and said, if the Redskins don't score on this play we will lose the game. You know what happened next, Clinton Portis got stuffed for no gain, the Lions drove 99 yards for a touchdown, broke a 19 game losing streak and I burned the Jim Zorn poster hanging above my bed.

4) Redskins v. Saints Week 13 - Speaking of heartbreaking losses, lets not forget the abomination that was the Skins blowing a win over the undefeated Saints at the foot of the ignoramus Shaun Suisham. That was the most painful loss I experienced as a Redskin. Until two weeks later...

5 and 6) Redskins v. Dallas Weeks 11 and 16 - The Skins were dysfunctional last season, but fans always hold out hope that the Dallas rivalry will spark them to greatness. Which is exactly the opposite of what happened. The first game against them at Dallas we lost in the final 2 minutes on their only touchdown on what turned out to be their only scoring drive. Then, when Dallas came to D.C., the Skins were shut-out. 17-0. This is when I lit myself on fire and threw myself at Mike Shanahan's door and convinced him to come to D.C. You can send me your Thank You cards.

7) London Fletcher - One of the best linebackers in the league, finally made it to a Pro-Bowl. No jokes here. Just a lot of respect for a ridiculously hard worker, a great player and a genuine guy.

8) Fat Albert - I always love seeing a $100 million man doing this every Sunday and occasionally on Monday.

9) Orakpo! - The only redeeming factor for Haynesworth being....well...Haynesworthless was the clinic Brian Orakpo put on quarterbacks and offensive lineman this year. He Orakpwned them! (I'm sticking with terrible puns even if they are gut-wrenchingly bad. It's like Colin Farrell choosing movie roles.)

10) Jim Zorn - Probably my favorite moment of the season came after the final game at San Diego. As soon as the plane touched down and before anybody could take a pee break, Jim Zorn got canned. It was the quickest turnaround on a decision since I went from "Two tickets for Knight and Day, please" to "SOMEONE SCRATCH MY EYEBALLS OUT IMMEDIATELY!!!"

What other moments did you love to hate? I'm looking forward to another season full of blunders and blown opportunities!

Hail to the Redskins!!

The Straw that Broke the Campbell's Back

Two weeks ago, the Washington Redskins traded Jason Campbell, a former first round draft pick and 3 year starter, to the Oakland Raiders for a 2012 4th round draft pick. This is the equivalent of running over someone's dog and asking them to apologize to you.

Campbell has been a stand up guy in Washington, anybody will tell you that. He took the blame when necessary and pointed out areas of improvement while always promising to work harder. He wasn't one to call out his teammates or pass the blame onto others, something I respected him greatly for. However, the results never showed up. His performance was like abstract art, you really appreciate the effort but you're not quite sure what you're looking at or why you're paying him $7.74 million over the next two years.

I think the one flaw Redskins fans couldn't get past was Campbell's apparent lack of passion. He was, what football people call, "cerebral". Which is code for boring, disenchanting, and uninspiring. Don't believe me? Jim Zorn was also called a "cerebral" coach...

No matter what happened with the Redskins, no matter what aberrant behavior Clinton Porits would engage in or how many losses we had piled up we always got the same response from Campbell. "We need to work harder, do the little things and get it done next week."

I guess he's right, but from the leader of your offense you want more than that! You want passion, drive, determination. You want the other players to respect you and fear you a little. In the words of Michael Scott, "I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."

I appreciated Campbell taking responsibility, but it never motivated the team. You never had the sense that he was in control of things. Until now.

Like I said, getting shipped to Oakland is pretty much as low as it gets in football. They may not be the worst team in the league, but the culture, the management and the players truly make it a black hole. Getting sent there by a team you have been incredibly loyal too is worse than a smack in the face, its a groin punch.

So when I saw Jason Campbell running QB drills in Oakland in his practice jersey next the plodding landmass that is Jamarcus Russell, I saw something different from him. As he answered questions from the media he had this glare in his eye that said, "Dan Snyder, I may eat your Adam's apple with my Cinnamon Toast Crunch tomorrow morning."

I think the trade to Oakland was the final straw for him. He had been disrespected and unfairly blamed for all of the Redskin's problems over the past 3 years. Even though his total yardage, touchdowns, and completion percentage grew consistently each year in the league, football analysts said Campbell was the problem. After being dragged through the proverbial mud for three years, sacked 102 times and losing 27 games you'd think Campbell had seen his worst. Now he's in Oakland for at least two years in another new offensive system, trying to turn another franchise around with another front office in disarray.

Tough cookies bro.

I don't envy Jason Campbell, but I do wish him the best. I never thought he was the issue in Washington. I also didn't think he'd be able to win a Super Bowl, but he wasn't the guy responsible for the destruction of a storied football franchise. That would be this despicable midget -->

Given the Redskin's reputation and Campbell's career I'm actually pleased with a 2012 4th rounder. If teams were patient the Redskins would have ended up cutting Campbell and a team in need could have picked him up off waivers for an incredibly cheap price. Proving, yet again, that Oakland is the armpit of the NFL.

I expect Campbell will put up good numbers in the coming years. He'll do what he did in Washington, and I think he'll do even better. He's jaded now. He's determined. He finally has something to prove.

Unfortunately, he'll go down as a mediocre quarterback and nothing more. Which is a shame for a stand up guy who gave his all to play the sport he loved. He's the product of chaotic front offices and turnstile coaching. He was forced to learn new offensive systems almost every year, And all the while he held his head high and did what was asked of him.

I think Oakland was lucky to get their hands on him.

But I'm glad he's not under center in Washington anymore.

I don't get it...

There are plenty of things I don't understand in life. Like, why we all brush our teeth in the morning THEN drink a cup of coffee. It's completely counter productive.

Or why Ke$ha looks like a cross between Steven Tyler and Gonzo. Or why the kids playing in the street think I'm the one getting in their way. Some things are just beyond me.

But, above everything else is, I don't get all the hate on Terrel Owens.

OK, that might be a lie but it works as an intro. Let me give you some framework. It was announced today (April 20th) that Donovan McNabb has verbalized that he would like to see TO come to Washington to play with him.

Naturally, this created a panic in Skins fans everywhere. But I'm not sure why. Think about it...

1. Our current receivers are garbage- I'm not buying into the hype of Devin Thomas and Malcolm Kelley just yet. They might be good one day, but not in an elite way. Santana Moss is four inches taller than Papa Smurf and is built to be a slot guy, not a first option wideout. I love the Cooley/Fred Davis combo at tight end, but don't even begin to think we can put two TEs in passing patterns on every down. Our offensive line is garbage and we need all the help we can get in pass and run protection. TO provides an elite level wideout that McNabb can look to as his primary option, with Moss in the slot working a Wes Welker type role and Thomas/Kelley as the 2nd option. No, not either/or, they will both be the second option. We will fuse them together like an Autobot.

2. Is TO a head case?- Do I believe TO has a screw or four loose? Yes. Do I believe he will be a cancer in the locker room if he signs with the Skins? Absolutely not. Here's the thing: TO generally does very well with his teammates his first year in a new location. He tries to fit in and be liked and succeed. How do I know this? Because I watched that SuperStars show he was on and found out he's really a giant child who just wants to be liked by people. Furthermore, TO was just banished by the league to Buffalo. Talk about a punishment! I think he got the message that teams don't want to put up with his reputation and he can very easily go unsigned. Having McNabb ask for TO to come play here is a huge vote of confidence and a show of faith in the receiver. TO would view this as his shot at redemption and give us at least one good season.

3. We need blocking...- Owens is a big guy. Don't be fooled by his ridiculous smile, or the tears he hides behind giant sunglasses, he's a big dude. He can provide great down field blocking for our RB core. I just haven't seen Santana Moss create good blocks down field. Yes, he can grab onto someone's ankles and hold on, but he isn't who you want when Willie Parker breaks one loose. Yes, I realize I'm taking several liberties with this point...but in the very fat chance that one of our RBs does break loose, Owens is a guy you want leading the charge and holding off the safeties.

4. ...and Leadership- Granted, when I think leadership I don't think Terrell Owens. But remember, when TO was in the news every week he was a young buck doing anything and everything to prove himself. It was all, "Me, me, me". He's on his way out of the league and he knows it. McNabb will be the leader of this team and he'll put TO to work. At the very least, Owens will be able to teach some of these young receivers a thing or two about catching footballs in the NFL. We complain we haven't seen much out of our young receivers, but we forget how young they are. Thomas and Kelly are both 24. They have a lot to learn and there is a lot TO can teach them. I don't see that as a bad thing...not completely at least.

5. There is no Go-To Guy- One thing the Redskins have lacked is a go-to guy on offense. When the Steelers are in a jam, they look to Hines Ward. When the Colts need to stage a comeback Manning is going to Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne (although Peyton could do it with Stephen Hawking and a stapler). When the Skins are behind in the fourth quarter they roll over and die. Not anymore suckas!

6. We get lined up in single coverage- If you play the Redskins your defensive scheme is easy: stop the run, disrespect the pass. Defenses can line up in single coverage on the outside and get away with it because we don't have a deep threat or a tall, proven receiver. With TO out wide, teams are forced to double him up which opens up other receiving options. Its just a fact folks.

7. Think about our draft needs- If the Skins pick up TO they would have successfully filled three major holes on the team for at least one season. They've filled out the RB core, so when one gets hurt there are two more lying in wait. They've traded for a great QB who will translate immediately into increased production on offense and they would have a solid WR with TO. This way, they have no choice but to draft four offensive lineman with their four draft picks. Win-win!

8. You who say, "I'm quitting the Skins!"- When news dropped of a possible TO free agent signing, I can't tell you the number of Skins fans I saw declare, "I'm not watching the Redskins! I boycott!" First off I have to question whether you're a real Skins fan or not. Fans stick with their team through thick and thin, so I will politely say, "Get over yourself." Secondly, if you know the Skins at all you know TO would sign a 1 year deal that is incentive laced. It'll probably have clauses in it like, he gets an extra million if he accumulates 1,000 yards, or half a million for 6 TDs scored. A bunch of bonuses to get him motivated to produce. You don't believe me? Look at the fine print on Larry Johnson's and Willie Parker's deals. They don't get paid unless they produce. There ain't no dummies in the new Skins management...you know, aside from the owner.

The point is this, our top level QB needs someone to throw the ball to. He does not have that currently. If signing TO makes you think we're taking a step back with our receiving core, you do not know much about football. Sure TO had his worst season in Buffalo....but he was IN BUFFALO! He had two of the worst QBs in the game throwing him the ball and he still had a few good games. Paired up with McNabb I see his value going way up again. If for nothing more than 1,000 yards and 8 TDs. Which is as many TDs as Moss, Thomas, Kelly and Cooley had....COMBINED.

I have put my trust in Shanahan. I am a believer. Hail to the Redskins.