Some Catching Up To Do...

I love this blog. It's a lot of fun to have. I hate that its pretty much just become a place to post awards for my fantasy football league. Then again, I did warn you about that here. That said, I feel that there are a few things we need to catch up on. So let's spend the next few minutes getting behind on our work and reading something for entertainment.

Speaking of entertainment, a topic I haven't visited lately, the new Fall season of TV is here. Let's dive in on a few shows. The good, the bad, and the changing.

The Good:

Community- If you aren't watching this show you're missing out on the funniest show on NBC. In it's second season they've found their niche and the brilliant writers are slaying viewers week by week with off-the-wall hilarity only a show like this can pull off. Chevy Chase is the new Dr. Bob Kelso (Scrubs). Every line he has is hilarious, and he never misses. Plus you can follow his character's thoughts on Twitter, @OldWhiteGuySays.

The cast is a pure blend of points of view from all sides of the spectrum and includes giggle inducing running gags that have yet to disappoint.

With lines like, "Are there any other conspiracy theories?" "Yes. Did you know Go-Gurt is just yogurt?!" and "Well Shirley, since you have clearly failed to grasp the central insipid metaphor of those Twilight books you devour, let me explain it to you! Men are monsters who crave young flesh." How do you not watch this show?

Go to Hulu right now and catch up. It's only two episodes. You will not be disappointed...unless you're a stuffy old bag who doesn't like to enjoy life. Then I understand.

30 Rock- One line from Tracy Jordan, "I lost my mood ring! And I don't know how I feel about it!"

The Bad:
The Event- Let me admit this upfront, I haven't watched this show. In fact, I don't plan on it unless I have 45 minutes to kill and someone is threatening to beat me in the face with a flank steak unless I watch it. Look, I like to think of myself as a creative person. It doesn't matter if I am, I like to think that. It makes me feel good. Anyway, I've never seen such a blatant attempt to rip off another concept since that Gap commercial stole the Mellow Yellow song.

 Obviously there is a vacant spot in everyone's heart for Lost. And by 'everyone' I mean people with a lot of free time. But this show is flagrantly advertising that it will "Take the place of Lost!". Not to mention the big mystery of the season so far- "Where did the plane go?!" Are you joking? If you want to copy another show's mysterious, more-questions-than-answers type of story line, don't involve a disappearing plane! That was the whole premise of the other show! Try a little bit harder.

Also, the show features a young, black president, which is fine by me, I have nothing against that at all. Except, why is it that all white politicians on TV are old, wrinkly, scum-bag looking types and all black politicians on TV are in their 30s and have a super model wife. 24 did this with their presidents as well. Just make decisions that make sense.

One other point (because I really hate that this show exists), if you want people to buy in to the show you must have likeable characters. People you want to identify with or at least like to look at. The Event features a lead actor that is soft, unconvincing and doesn't command the show (Matthew Fox did all of that for Lost) and some crazy looking chick that is supposed to know something. Its all more unsettling than it is exciting. Hurley, Kate, Sawyer, Jack, Sun, Jin...all characters that are finitely better than anything on The Event.

Also, the name of this show is terrible. The 'event'? Who writes this? Can they be fired? I'm starting a crime-drama show, it's going to be called "Law Violators".

I hate this show.

Outsourced- I'll sum this up with a quote from my sister-in-law, "I watched the first ten minutes, turned it off and went to bed." She made the right decision. I stomached my way through the whole episode. That's the last time I do that.

The Changing:
The Office- Easily my favorite show currently on the air. This season is the last for Michael Scott, Steve Carell knows he will make millions filming movies as opposed to hundreds of thousands filming The Office. I'm not sure what is in store for the future of this show, although I do expect its run is slowly coming to an end. This season, however, we're seeing a lot of Jim/Dwight/Andy action which I could watch all day. Seriously, in college we would just turn on seasons of The Office and watch it all day. I miss college sometimes. All day spent watching The Office. Now I spend all day in an office.

The show is doing some funny things: having Dwight purchase the office building, Pam scheming her way into a faux position she created to get out of sales, and Jim having a lot of lines. And some unfunny things: bringing up deep-seated issues with Michael, not giving Creed enough lines and only being half an hour long. Either way, I think they'll pull out all the stops this season and go out swinging...Chris Brown style.

Sportz-
If you aren't reading my columns on isportsweb.com you are a terrible person. Or, a person who just doesn't care that much about football. Especially the Houston Texans. You can find my articles here, I try to keep them fun, but they're more statistically driven than the blog posts are.

Washington Redskins- I'll end with my take on the Redskins.
Offense- We have done a good job establishing the run, which is shocking. Ryan Torain is a great addition, his fresh legs bring a lot to the team and Portis showed some burst this week against Philly. We need to trade for Vincent Jackson immediately. Santana Moss is a great slot receiver, but when defenses key on him he ends up with 1 catch for 0 yards, like he did against Philly. Also, Stephon Heyer is a joke. Trent Williams needs to get healthy stat or Heyer will break the all-time record for holding and false start penalties.

Defense- Just switch back to a 4-3 already. This "bend-but-don't-break" defense is killing us. The defense stays on the field while opposing teams rack up 10-12 minute drives, then our offense (who is now ice-cold) comes back on the field and goes run, run, pass, punt. Now our defense, tired from playing 12 straight minutes and given a 2 minute rest, must come back on the field and defend for another 8 minute drive. It's appalling.

Positives, however, LaRon Landry's true potential is showing, Orakpo gets held on every play, and Kareem Moore is back. We successfully injured three of the Eagle's best players (Mike Vick, Asante Samuel and LeSean McCoy). The Redskins are a wrecking crew. If you watch, the secondary never watches they ball, they just tee-up big hits. Landry probably could have had two interceptions, but he just lines up the receivers in his sights. DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin apparently knew this, because they looked too terrified to catch the ball on the Eagle's final drive.

Hope we got caught up on everything we needed to. Fantasy Awards will post later this week, so you can look forward to ignoring that.

Redskins 2-2, 2-0 in the division!

The Office Crisis

Perhaps it's just another slow day work, or maybe its the constant chatter of my officemates debating which bachelor is right for Ali that drove me to blog today. Ultimately, however, my mom said to write something that isn't about sports. And since I don't want to lose my only reader, I'm going to oblige.

There are two things on my mind currently- the first is the impending Office crisis (not the one about who stunk up your cubicle) and the second is why is it possible for fruit to be 'over-ripe'? I thought ripe was good?

You might have heard that Steve Carell is leaving The Office after this season. If you haven't, then I think this qualifies as the first story I've ever broken. Call the newspapers! Er....call the online news sources! Nominate me for a medal! This is my greatest achievement since sitting through an entire Disney sports movie without crying!

What? I'm in touch with my emotions. Get off it.

Anyway, I love The Office. Its the best show on television that is entering its final season before inevitable collapse. A few months ago I wrote about the comparisons of the U.K. Office and the U.S. Office seen here if you're bored (and yes, I used that sentence so I could link to an archived blog Bill Simmons style). The two shows are so different and we've seen that through the long time success of our version and its impact on American television programming.

My problem is I wish there was a reason to hate Steve Carell for leaving. He's not breaking contract or selling out, just moving on to bigger things. Plus, he's probably doing the smart thing by getting out after season 7. Most shows go downhill after 5 seasons because there just aren't that many fresh story lines that are believable. I've read that this season Holly comes back for 8 episodes and Dwight might just succeed in buying the office building, so there's plenty of material. But after that without Michael? I just don't know. It's gonna be like Cleveland after LeBron left....except I won't burn my seasons of The Office on DVD because I don't waste money trying to act self-righteous.

And....that's about enough with the factually relevant and sensible discussion. Onto absurd conclusions and hate mongering.

Here are 5 things I think about the 3rd best show NBC on Thursday nights, 30 Rock:

1) Die-hard fans of 30 Rock suck. They're as irrational as doggy hotels. If dogs wanted to stay in tiny hotels they would have built them in the wild out of kibbles and bits.....of dead rabbits. I haven't found one person who can discuss 30 Rock without calling me a noob or something. Why can't you just like your show the best and I can like my show the best? I still watch 30 Rock. I just don't also re-watch it on Hulu the next day and then send Youtube clips to my friends at work then berate anyone who dares to say that any show in the history of television is better than it. Settle down people.

(I wanted to post a screen shot of the "Leave Brittany Alone" guy and caption it with "LEAVE 30 ROCK ALONE!" but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I can't live knowing his picture is somewhere on my blog. Instead, here's a picture of a Charmin bear playing football with toilet paper on its butt. Because bears use toilet paper.)

2) You don't even have to write lines for Tracy Morgan. Every word that comes out of his mouth is fraught with nonsensical hilarity. He's the Ron Artest of TV....minus the violent streak.

3) I will watch Alec Baldwin in anything. Which explains why I watched "It's Complicated" the other day. What!?! His voice is as velvety as LL Cool J's kangol hat.

4) Tina Fey has finally succeeded in convincing me she is a horrible looking untalented wench. I always liked Tina Fey, I thought she was a brilliant writer for SNL and a comedic genius. But 80% of the show is them telling me she's ugly and useless. I need some new shtick. I got bored of it 4 season ago.

5) No seriously, Tracy Morgan has the best lines on any TV show ever. For example: "I can't read! I sign my name with an X! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent! I think I voted for Nader! NADER!"

They're so good some guy made a website with all of his lines. Every single one of them. Seriously, look.

Here's the point- I miss The Office, Community is the 2nd best show on NBC, 30 Rock fans make me feel weird, and I don't know how to format TV show titles when I write them.

Leave me alone.

And share your thoughts! 10 bucks says you don't.

The End of the Finales

Apparently everyone has stopped trying.

Last night was the season finale of the best night of television: NBC's Thursday night comedy - Community, Parks and Rec, The Office and 30 Rock. Four hilarious shows back-to-back featuring likable characters, entertaining story lines and all the snarky retorts you desire.

Naturally the idea of the season finale offers up a wide range of emotions for me. Excitement for new comedy, sadness for the end of the season, comfort in two hours of comedy gold, and disdain again for the end of the season, then confusion over my absurd range of emotion, followed by surprise at the realization I have actually been taking a hormonal replacement supplement instead of Ibuprofene, then sadness again (probably due to the imbalance of testosterone in my system), then rage and, well, you get the idea.

After I stopped crying and finished rearranging my sock drawer I turned on the shows and settled in for what should have been two hours of comedy magic.

Let's just say 'supremely disappointed' doesn't even begin to describe my feelings.

Here's the thing- a season finale should accomplish at least one of three things. It should either A) answer a ton of questions viewers have about the season while posing a few more setting up the next one (i.e. Lost); B) resolve the action of the season and tie up all the loose ends (i.e. 24); or C) get you right to the cusp of something they've teased you with all season and then throw in a twist that will crush you and then excite you about the next season (i.e. The Office).

The Office has mastered the finale category. They were brilliant at season finales. I would say Lost was just as good at it, but let's be honest- when you can make up anything you want and defy all the laws of logic or reason it isn't that difficult to come up with an exciting cliffhanger.

All four shows, yes, ALL four shows used the same gimmick to end their seasons. Its so formulaic. Continue season as planned, add light comedy, and end with an unexpected twist in a relationship between characters. This has been done successfully with only one couple:

Oops, I mean...THIS couple

Community centered its entire episode around Jeff Winger choosing between two women and then at the end of the show...TWIST! Parks and Rec was finally going to resolve feelings between two characters until....TWIST! The Office, which has been sub-par lately, had a regular episode until they remembered:

Writer 1: "Crap! This is the season finale! We didn't prepare! Um....add something about Jim and Pam at the end."

Writer 2: "But...they're married, they have a baby and they're happy. There's nothing else."

Writer 1: "Fine! Just pick someone people like and put it in after the episode."

Writer 2: "I'm bored and my paycheck is huge. Someone get me a latte."

Then there's 30 Rock, which is usually a good source of non-conformity, but has centered its past 6 episodes around Jack's sorted romances and Liz's inability to meet the right man until....TWIST!

4 for 4! Are you kidding me?! First of all, no one is watching these shows for the relationships. It's comedy first, Dwight second, and the relationships way down near the bottom to give the show credibility and ensure it can last for 8 seasons. Come up with something original!

They even advertised the 'after-the-credits' part of The Office because that's usually when they drop some bomb on you. This season's was so predictable that Michael Scott's reaction wasn't even noteworthy. Such a disappointment.

Do you know the worst part about the whole thing? This morning I see on Twitter and Facebook that the season finale of Grey's Anatomy featured some sort of sniper shooting people in the head! And I missed this!? For the first, and last, time ever I wish I watched Grey's Anatomy instead of NBC's Thursday night line-up. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Bring back the Scranton Strangler for The Office season finale for Pete's sake. Don't toy around with tired old story lines.

I mean, at least make Troy from Community eat a giant cookie, or have Andy Dwyer flip his motorcycle over a car and break his arm, maybe even have Dwight devise a plan to buy the Scranton office or bring in Matt Damon to be a hilarious pilot. Something!!

What's that? All that already happened? Oh. Um...spoiler alert?

I knew I loved these shows for a reason.

Repeat, Repeat, Repeat

As a free spirited college student I vowed that my life would be different than the droves of pedestrian hominids around me. Get a desk job centered on mundane tasks? Pish! Work for the weekends? Pu-shaw! Live my life by simple routine? As-if!

As a brainwashed, one-year veteran of the working world I cling to my mindless, pay-check producing tasks, day dream about weekend trips to PetSmart and adhere to a structured routine on a recurring schedule.

What? I'm not perfect.

You probably know that the majority of our lives are framed around the events, activities and obligations we subscribe to. And when these commitments fall out of order, become jumbled or mesh together we all react differently. If you're a male, you probably shrug it off and deal with it. If you are a female, you probably react as though this singular instance not adhering to plan is as disruptive and troubling as Jesse James cheating on Sandra Bullock. "Oh no he did NOT! She's America's sweetheart! I feel for her, she's so precious. I want her to win things and be my mother and best friend. Then we could be like the Gilmore Girls! OMG!!!!"

I kid, I kid.

On the other hand, I have college roommates to thank for organizing my life. When you live with the same anally structured people for multiple years some things rub off. Yikes...that's a sentence I never want to write again.

Let's move on. Something I'll never understand (until I put in 6 minutes of time to do the research), is why television networks never seem to keep their shows on a regimented schedule. Here's what I mean:

In the normal world, we as a people expect that when a new season starts, or 'premiers', it will run until its completion, or 'finale'. What we do not expect is for the show to run new episodes for a few weeks, then take a break and go back to old episodes, then resume new ones, then show re-runs of 'Step by Step' followed by a live results show for something we don't watch, then go back to new episodes. I have a schedule to live by, networks!! Why can't you respect that?!

It's not just that, they don't even let me know the show is a re-run until I'm already tuned in and ready to go on a new episode. Take last night, for example. 'Lost', a show that causes me as much strife as it does joy, was a repeat yet I received no advanced warning. And if, say, I was a person who watched the show while at work the next morning because he watches Biggest Loser (SHUT UP!) on Tuesday nights, this would be a major inconvenience. Of course, I'd never watch TV at work because I'm aware of the negative consequences associated that action...but what if I was!?

Chuck, another show I don't watch while employed but I do watch on Hulu, took a 3 week break just cause! After one episode they got all, "...and Chuck will return in 3 weeks on April 26th!" on me. What's up with that?!

You can't just drop that on me! I have to rework my schedule! I have lunch meetings to work around! What are you doing to me NBC!?

Similarly, "The Office" (probably the best show on television and you can't tell me otherwise) is a roulette game of new episode-old episode. No one knows when NBC will decide to unleash more hilarity on its viewers or cause them to relive old equally-as-funny-but-not-quite-as-fresh comedic genius on the audience.

Look, I know there's a reason to all of this. Networks don't just cancel shows and exhibit extreme disloyalty to its employees or viewers just to make an extra buck.....right? But if you want the research done go to a real news source! No wait! Come back! I'm sorry...I didn't mean that. Stay here...read what I have to say. Its self affirming if you do. And I promise you'll get new friends everyday and we'll put pizza in the vending machines.

Sorry, I'm all....digressy today. I think they have a pill for that.

The point is this, all these decisions need to go through me so I can choose the solutions that best fit my schedule. All television programming schedules, all Washington sport team decisions, and all suggestions for where you're taking me out to lunch. They all need my approval.

Or I'll get all college hippie kid on you and stop showering, sit in trees and play annoying obscure instruments while following you around until you cede your decision.

Don't think I wont.

Disclaimer: I am extremely pleased with my employer and do not engage in any elicit or 'frowned upon' behavior during working hours. At least when I'm not on lunch.