RG Troi?

The debate rages on. Do the Redskins sell out this draft (and some of next year’s) to start a monogamous relationship with Robert Griffin, the third of his name? Or do we flirt with big name free agents, consummating in a deadly love triangle between two-game super star Matt Flynn and I-can’t-turn-my-head-left-but-am-still-a-Super-Bowl-winning-quarterback-so-pay-me-$25 million-a-year-Dan-Snyder-you-midget Peyton Manning?

Well I’m back from my hiatus to answer this question for you. So buckle up, kids, it’s about to get rusty.

Obviously there are many factors in play here. Is Shanahan planning to build for the future, or the final two years of his contract? How much are the Skins willing to trade for RG3? The Browns, who have better trade chips than the Redskins, are also in the running and (at this point) in better position to trade up for him. Did I just make you read a paragraph on things you already knew? Is your mouse hovering over the "close window" button?

Fine, let's get into it by dissecting our options.

Robert Griffin III

My case for RG3 is simple, if you have the opportunity to take a potential franchise quarterback, you have to do it. At all costs. It’s worth the risk because of the following:

1. If we don’t take RG3, who is starting under center for us next year? Certainly not Rex Grossman again. Peyton Manning? A huge injury risk who still, after an entire year off, still isn’t close to being fully healthy or throwing at normal strength. Matt Flynn? Another uncertainty with limited game experience and will cost more than RG3 in free agency. Ryan Tannenhill? A rookie out of Texas A&M with a much more limited skill set than Griffin? What are our real options here? Doesn’t Griffin present the best upside and long term value? I just don't see a better alternative at this time.

2. The fear is that RG3 will cost too many draft picks, and he will. But let me remind you- the Giants traded the San Diego Charges two first rounders, a third rounder, and a fifth rounder for Eli Manning in the draft. Griffin will cost the Redskins a similar, if not slightly higher price. Eli gave the Giants two Super Bowl wins and multiple years in the playoffs. Was that price not fair? Heck, for two championship rings I’d say the Giants got a bargain! I believe that is the kind of potential RG3 can bring to a team.

3.  If the Browns draft him, and he’s a super star, we’ll officially be the most embarrassing franchise in the NFL. And I ain't having that.

Peyton Manning

Look, I love Peyton Manning. I’ve rooted for him on multiple occasions and think he’s one of the best quarterbacks of all time. But severe nerve damage in your neck? Four neck surgeries? It’s uncertain he’ll ever return to 100%.

But isn’t 85% of Manning still better than half the quarterbacks in the league?

Probably, but it’s unsustainable. It’s like putting a bandaid over the stump where your leg used to be. Let me ask you this- ever sleep weird on your pillow and when you wake up your neck is sore in one spot? And during the day if you turn your head and stretch that muscle it makes you dribble pee down your leg in pain? Imagine having had four neck surgeries to repair a nerve in that neck. Now imagine having 300lb lineman and Adonis-figured linebackers trying to hit you as hard as they can. Imagine trying to look off safeties and whip your head around to hit your receiver in stride on an out-route. Try going through a five-read progression in 4 seconds while avoiding pressure.

There is a long way for Manning to go to return to form. I’m not certain I want to bank my future on another big name Free Agent who will cost too much and, likely, underperform.

I do love that signing Manning will mean also signing Reggie Wayne. It gives us an experienced (and legitimate) number one wide receiver, and a guy Peyton is comfortable with throwing to. We can ignore the fact that both are past their primes.

Matt Flynn

We’re not getting Matt Flynn. We just aren’t. He’ll end up in Miami back under Joe Philbin, or be franchised by the Packers. When the Redskins do free agency, they go big (Manning) or go-screw up draft picks.

Ryan Tannenhill

The only way I want to see Tannenhill on the Redskins is if he’s on the bench behind a full-strength Peyton Manning, scribbling on a clipboard frantically. I am not comfortable drafting him with the sixth pick and starting him the next season. He’s a bigger uncertainty than Griffin, and allows us to keep all of our draft picks, but he's a guy you draft and sit behind someone worth learning from (ie, not Rex Grossman). You can’t convince me he’ll do more in his rookie year than Grossman did last year. I also don’t see Shanahan banking his final years on a guy who will likely end up in the Blaine Gabbert and Jimmy Clausen arena.

Matt Barkley

Some even say let’s fill out our position needs this year and take Matt Barkley in next year’s draft. That’s as logical as me buying a Ferrari and Louis Vuitton man-purses for all my friends because I think I’ll win the lottery next year. There’s no guarantee we’ll even be in position to get Barkley. What if he’s projected to be taken first overall and we have the 10^th pick? Is it worth it to pay more for Barkley next year than Griffin this year?

Give me Griffin, give me hope and give me some excitement. 

A Draft Recap all about the Redskins

The NFL Draft is an event unlike any other in sports. Fans, players, coaches and front offices all wait expectantly with the hope that one single decision can sway the direction of their franchise for the next decade.

But more than that, you get the rare ability to connect with college kids on a deeply emotional level. You can see a 22 year old, who has worked his whole life to reach one goal - playing in the NFL - finally realize his dream. You get to see his every emotion as Emperor Palpatine Commissioner Goodell calls his name, "With the 2nd pick in the NFL draft, the Denver Broncos select: Von Miller."

The uninhibited reactions, the tears, the overwhelming sense of pride, and the jack-o-lantern grins smeared across the faces of young men when they feel their phone ring in their hand, look down and hear on the other end, "Son, how do you feel about becoming a New Orlean Saint?". It's unreal. It's why we watch. It's what makes the NFL the most popular sport in America.

It's why my twitter feed was filled with comments like, "Why does the NFL draft make me wanna cry!?".

To be fair, most of those were from 49ers fans realizing their front office is as inept as a blowfish throwing darts.

I won't go pick by pick, I will spend too much time on the Redskins, and I will do everything in my power to entertain you and convince you my opinions are right (some things never change).

Quarterbacks in the Draft
Drafting a quarterback is more exciting than seeing Tony Romo in a "Face Punching Booth". Everyone can talk themselves into any quarterback being the savior of the franchise. Why? Because of that pretty boy jerk, Tom Brady. Drafted with the 199th overall pick he became on of the top 5 QBs of all time. Now I'm expected to believe that Blaine Gabbert (worst QB name of ALL TIME, by the way) is going to be the franchise savior for the Jacksonville Jaguars. Really?

When had anyone even heard of Blaine Gabbert before Andrew Luck declared he was staying at Stanford another year? Same with Christian Ponder. In 2010 they said Jake Locker could have gone #1 overall in this draft, then he put together (another) unimpressive, sub-par, losing record season and STILL got drafted 8th. Andrew Dalton? Still on the board for a reason. Ryan Mallet? Can't run, can't speak coherently, and will probably be suspended his first year for actually smoking a joint between drills at mini-camp. Cam Newton? Boom or bust. Likely bust, especially in Carolina.

Here's what happened. NFL fans love quarterbacks. We also love the QB Camp show Jon Gruden does with the prospective players. So draft pundits hype these guys up so much that teams are forced to take them because their fans absolutely must have them. Then, for the first time since Prince was partying like it was 1999, three quarterbacks were taken in the Top 10.

So, am I happy the Redskins traded away the #10 pick to the Jaguars so they could draft Gabbert? Absolutely. It's a position where you must get the right guy, and when you have so many holes to fill (like Washington does) you can't risk it on a chance player. Trade that pick away to someone who is grasping for a QB, get another second round pick and move down just 6 spots in the draft. It's a no-brainer.

Here's the simple litmus test I apply. Can you imagine hearing, "Blaine Gabbert has just won the Super Bowl!" or "Blaine Gabbert is a lock for the Hall of Fame when he retires"? No way! That's the worst name since Tim Couch! Couch!! If the name doesn't work, the player won't work.

That said, Ryan Kerrigan could turn out to be a Nancy....

Get it? Nancy Kerrigan?

I'll be accepting my Nobel Peace Prize for Comedy in 2012.

With the 16th pick in the draft, the Washington Redskins select...
I had a hard time figuring out what I wanted the Redskins to do before this draft. I knew they shouldn't trade up, and I didn't want a first round quarterback. For a while I wanted a sexy pick, like a wide receiver, or a smart pick like an offensive lineman. The more I thought about it, however, I realized (or was told by my friend Michael) that our defense is close to being great. We have play makers on that side of the ball and if we get a few more pieces we can be a force on the field. Remember the 2001 Ravens? They won a Super Bowl with the best defense on Earth and Trent Dilfer (Dilfer!) as quarterback.

Ryan Kerrigan is going to be a good fit on this defense, he was, by the way, the Big 10 Defensive Player of the Year. You know another Redskin great who was named Big 10 Defensive PotY? A stud named Lavar Arrington. You never know.

I love the idea of Kerrigan rushing the passer with Brian Orakpo. That gives us two stud edge rushers who are quick, strong, and love getting after the ball. Kerrigan tied a Big 10 record by forcing 14 fumbles in his career. He was 2nd All-Time at Purdue with 33.5 sacks, and 4th in the nation with 57 tackles for loss. This is a guy who makes plays in the backfield. Stops up the run, and gets after the quarterback

More importantly, he brings something to the Redskins we don't see too often with our new player acquisitions: strong character, a high motor, and an unrelenting work ethic.

I know another white pass rusher in the league with long hair and an unquenchable thirst for getting after the quarterback: Clay Matthews, who is busying brushing his hair, polishing his Super Bowl ring and feasting on the flesh of quarterbacks.

Above all, Kerrigan's character, work ethic, and resolve prove to me he's a solid pick that will improve our defense, add depth and give us something to build on.

Second Round/McNabb?
The Skins still have two picks in the 2nd round and can do some damage and fill a few holes with their picks. They can afford to take a look at a guy like Andrew Dalton or Ryan Mallet if thats who they like and still get an offensive tackle or skill player if they're available. For the record, I do not like Dalton or Mallet.

Here's one more thing I think is worth talking about. Where is Donovan McNabb going? Is it just me, or are the only people propagating his departure the media? Has anyone on the Redskins addressed them parting ways? Or has it just been talking heads on ESPN and local sports radio who are so certain this relationship is finished?

He didn't have a good year last year. He didn't and he got benched. That happens when you try to get your receivers to catch the ball with their feet. Plus, we only sat him for the final three games after we were already eliminated from playoff contention. Call me an optimist but I see that as protecting as asset from getting his kneecaps bashed while scrambling away from rhino sized defensive ends in a game that doesn't matter.

Sure McNabb never got benched in Philadelphia. His back up QBs were also a garbage man and my librarian's mother (read, just slightly worse than Rex Grossman (Grossman!!) ). Not to mention he always had talent to throw to and a strong offensive line to protect him.

Why gamble on a QB in a draft that is weak on them when you have McNabb (serviceable) and Grossman (a good punching bag) around for another year. We don't need to win the Super Bowl this year. We just need to raise the talent, fix the holes, and right the ship. Create a culture of winning and of developing good, young players. Protect our draft picks and get on the right track for the future.

Or we could throw every game and try to get Andrew Luck next year...who knows.

Graham Gano

I used to think college football was a waste of time. Hundreds of teams who play 2-3 meaningful games a year and are under the constant pressure to remain undefeated lest their season be ruined, coaches be fired and alumni cry foul. Then I went to a Penn State football game and my perspective went from "whoop-de-doo" to "woo-hoo!"

I still think college football is doing it all wrong, but the experience of a single big time college football game in person changed my entire perspective. And if you know me, you know that life is all about perspective.

On that note, let me provide some perspective about a young man with an annoying last name: Graham Gano.

Gano, who is playing in his first full NFL season, played college football at Florida State,  before being drafted (and later cut) by the Baltimore Ravens. He eventually was signed to the Las Vegas Locomotives. Which, in fact, is not a toy company but a United Football League team.

Gano was signed by the Redskins, after they cut that miserable slouch Shaun Suisham (recently signed by the Steelers), and played in the final four games of the 2009 season, never missing a field goal in that time.

So far in 2010, Gano has missed seven field goals and is under an exorbitant amount of scrutiny from Redskins fans in the DC Metro area.

I get it, its easy to hate a kicker. Especially the Washington Redskins kicker. But before you go bashing this guy, making him an incurable head case and ruining his career, lets think logically about this. Perhaps I can give you a little perspective you don't already have.

He plays for the Redskins, which means he is put in tight spots more often than not, being forced to net long field goals. This season, half of his attempted field goals have been from 40 or more yards away. He's kicked 30 field goals. That's 15 attempts from 40+ yards! I'm spelling this out for you because this is a meaningful stat. Let me repeat, 15 of his 30 FG attempts have been from beyond 40 yards.

The league average for FGs between 40-49 yards is 70%. Gano? 83% making 10 of 12 kicks from that distance.

He's probably had more game winning field goal attempts in his first year than any other kicker ever (Note: I have no statistical evidence to support that, nor will I go looking for it). You'll just have to accept this as truth. The same way we have to believe that Dumbledore is gay. A writer told you to believe it and you have to.

When Graham missed the 47-yarder in regulation against the Tennessee Titans last week that sent the game into overtime, there was a flurry of Facebook hatred towards him. If you look deeper you realize the 47-yarder was directly into the wind and came up about 3 yards short. When he attempted the 48-yarder in overtime, he was facing the other direction, wind at his back and he cleared the goal posts by nearly 15 yards. Meaning, if that kick was from 63 yards out he would have made it...and tied the NFL record for longest kick in a game.

However, thats not good enough for me. Remember earlier this year against the Texans when he netted a 50 yarder to win? Only to have it called back because Gary "I'm going to be fired this week" Kubiak called a time out? Sure he missed the second field goal and it worked for the Texans, but you have to understand not many kickers in the NFL are better than 50% from 50 yards or more (That is statistically true, I looked it up. 52% is the league average for 50+ yard field goals).

What about the 20-some yarder against the Texans that was blocked because Fred Davis decided that jazz fingers were an effective method of blocking Bernard Pollard?

Still not deep enough for me! People piled on Gano for missing the 47-yarder in regulation and never mentioned his name when he won the game for us in OT. I did a little digging. Gano, when playing in the UFL, not only set a UFL record for longest field goal made (53 yards) he also finished the season (his first ever) leading the league in scoring AND field goals made. 

Still not enough! He also netted a game winning field goal for the Locomotives in the championship game leading the Locos to be the first ever UFL Champions.

But you didn't know that did you? Cause you were too busy bashing the guy for being an insufferable slob who can't be 100% from 60+ yards. 

I heard someone say in reference to Gano, "When you can't trust your kicker its time to move on." Interesting. Should we go sign Jeff Reed, recently cut from the Steelers for routinely missing 26 yard field goals and punching gas station paper towel dispensers? Or should we sign a 40+ year old who is washed up and can't kick further than his age? Or should we get the second best kicker in the UFL? Whoever finished behind Gano in points scored and field goals made. How's that for perspective?

Its the guy's first season. He knows how to win games. And he will continue to do so in the future. Make sure you have the right perspective before you bash one of my players. 

Now, I wonder if I can get a good Black Friday deal on a Gano jersey....

The Joys of the Holidays

It's Thanksgiving weekend people, and you know what that means...your day has (no doubt) been filled with uncreative people saying things like "Happy turkey day!", "What are you thankful for this year?", "Friends, family and health!", and "I'm so stuffed you could milk me!"

I jest, Thanksgiving is a great holiday. The day after Thanksgiving is even better. Think about it- you can sit in your own home all day, you don't need to make any food, you don't need to get dressed up, you don't have to watch a 6 hour parade all morning. It's brilliant! And, if you're like me, you get the day off from work which means you have nothing left to do but resume blogging!

The joys of the holidays.

This is more accurate...

So, in lieu of my wife being at work, (ever seen the Balrog in Lord of the Rings? You know the fire beast Gandalf shouts, "You shall not pass!" at? Striking resemblance to her boss) I'm at home with two cats, a fridge full of leftovers and a mind full of ideas. Let it begin.

...but this one is cuter.

I've decided (at the whining request of Bones) to do one last "Predictions" blog about the Fantasy Football league. I cannot turn down the request of an adoring fan (or bored employee) so lets jump right into it.

The Ducal Crown Thoughts and Predictions Disguised as Awards-

The Verizon Droid Commercials Award- Much like you, when the first Verizon Droid commercials came out I was intrigued, inspired even.  I fancy myself a Verizon guy over AT&T or iPhone or anything else that I can't afford or would cause me to change carriers so I can be trendy. And, much like you, when a Verizon Droid commercial comes on now, I vomit slightly in my mouth and start to bleed from my ears.

I assume these award posts affect you similarly (unless you're actually in the league). So I'll take this award, keep it short and to the point, and try not to force the invention of something called ear tampons (Apologies, Mom and other readers who get uncomfortable at the mention of the word...."ear").

The "I'm dying slowly inside" Award- Creasman, on the wrong side of a 7 game losing streak, is fading fast in the league. Not his involvement, he's been stockpiling players to keep for next year, but in his ability to score more than 80 points a week.

The Easy Transition Award- Speaking of 80 points a week, Perry STILL has not scored between 80-100 points. He's either in the 70s and below or over 100. How does this keep happening?? Seriously? How? Someone call Ripley's, they'll care!

The "Stop me Before I Trade Again!" Award- Bones took a dominant team (comprised of 4 players chosen in the 1st or 2nd rounds of the draft- Andre Johnson, Roddy White, Frank Gore, MJD), the best late round keeper- Ahmad Bradshaw, taken in the 9th round...by me (Eat that Tommy Carrico!), and turned it into a team featuring Nate Burleson as his number two wide receiver. Sure, he added Peyton Manning to his roster (having a sub-par season), but he's also now relying on Nate Burleson week to week. And, using his strategy of "trade all my bench players away" he no longer has anyone serviceable on his bench. We'll see how that affects his playoff run...but being 9-2 and in first place you can pretty much do what you want and we have to respect it.

At least that's what Laker's fan tell me. I can't wait until any other team in the league beats them in the playoffs. Speaking of the Lakers, do you know who I just learned is a Lakers fan?

Everybody. Everybody I talk to about basketball is now a Lakers fan. You guys suck.

The True Colors Award-  Noord's team, which just really isn't all that good, but rode a six game win streak early has now lost his last three games. Call me crazy, but when you're relying on Danny Woodhead, Cedric Benson and Mario Manningham your team has become a lot less threatening. Not that DeAngelo Williams was ever threatening this year. Probably should have tried to trade them earlier in the season...but what the heck do I know?

Everything! Considering I'm on a 4 game win streak, jumped up to 2nd place and am about to win the league!!!....Award.


Here's the rest of the league in short hand-
My team- officially jinxed by...myself. Will lose the rest of my games and miss the playoffs.
Team Ralph- all his marbles on Vick staying healthy and the Vikings benching Favre to let Tavaris Jackson hand off to Adrian Peterson 100 times a game.
Jimmy's Team- If the Steelers have a bad week, so does Jimmy (Big Ben, Hines Ward, Mike Wallace). Of course, they all play Buffalo this week so he should crush his opponent...which is....CRAP! Told you I jinxed myself.
Perry's Team- In position to make a late push with the acquisition of Michael Turner and being forced to finally start Steve "All I Do is Score Touchdowns" Johnson.
Wheel's Team- Got screwed when he traded for Randy Moss a week before his career fell apart.
Sam's Team- Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events
Tom's Team- Officially not in last place.

More of this guy tomorrow...

A final note, to do with the Washington Redskins and Graham Gano will appear tomorrow. I wrote it today, but realized the points I make are so good that you should really enjoy them all at once. Kinda like Thanksgiving leftovers...just pile them all up in a bowl, pour some gravy on it and grab a spoon! But seriously, if you hate Graham Gano please stay tuned for the blog posting tomorrow...it'll be worth the wait.

Have a terrific Black Friday and Thanksgiving weekend. I'll do my best to blog as often as I get the chance.

And it won't all be about Fantasy Football....probably.

3 Things: Gilbert, NHL, and DC Fans

I understand that I'm about as multi-dimensional as Flat Stanley. I write about football or fantasy football. Occasionally I'll mention a TV show no one is watching. So I'm gonna make like a well structured portfolio and diversify myself.

There are three things I'd like to bring to the table this morning. Number one is actually number zero. Rather, Agent Zero.

Agent Zero- Gilbert Arenas, or, as you know him, that homeless bearded guy who points guns at everyone, is struggling to stay out of the media's harsh and imposing glare. Arenas gets a bad rap. In fact, a terrible rap. And rightfully so. He lacks what we call "common sense". He goes about each day like one of us would. We make jokes with our friends, we do stupid stuff, we make ridiculous claims and its all good because nobody actually cares what we do on a daily basis.

Gil, however, fails to understand that every action he takes has an incredible impact because he represents a professional basketball team, a major sports city and himself. When he was in trouble for bringing guns into the locker room, he clearly failed to see what the issue was. The locker room is his place of work. I don't get to bring a glock into my office and keep it in my desk. I keep it taped to the bottom of my chair. Duh. No, just kidding. I'm not a self-involved nincompoop.

When Gil says something like, "I lost all feeling a long time ago. Basketball is basketball..." or when his press day photos through the years look like this, or even better, like this, you have to wonder what is going on with this guy and why he is so far out of touch with reality. I bet he still thinks Pluto is a planet.

He even said he wants to help John Wall get ready to take over the team so he (Gil) can move on. Has anyone wanted to be a part of anything less, ever? Maybe Dwayne Johnson when he filmed The Tooth Fairy.

Now Gil is faking injuries to help teammates get more playing time. By the way, I think this is a great gesture, but a moronic move! You are a professional athlete. Being paid millions of dollars to play basketball. You don't get to call in sick. Each day I worry more and more that Gilbert will show up with a Dennis Rodman hair-do and start thanking his therapist for helping him win a championship.

Number 2.

The NHL- I am happy to admit right now that I am a casual Washington Capitals fan. They are my team in hockey, and I will root for them relentlessly, but I will not know every player on the team. In fact, outside of the Capitals I don't claim to know a ton about hockey. But here is what I do know.

There are two great players in hockey (a generalization, but go with it). The first is Capital's All-Star Alexander Ovechkin, the Russian monster who everyone claims is the best player in the league. The second is the ugly hamster looking Canuck, Sidney Crosby of the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Two things you need to know:
1) There is a rivalry between the Penguins and the Capitals due to many years of facing each other in the playoffs.
2) Crosby has a Stanley Cup. Ovechkin does not.
2a) The Stanley Cup is the trophy you win when you win the Super Bowl in hockey (just appealing to my reader's who don't know hockey).

The NHL is not a terribly mainstream sport in America, even though its popularity is growing. So, in order to help everybody understand the biggest rivalry between the biggest players in hockey I've come up with this comparison.

Alexander Ovechkin is LeBron James. Sidney Crosby is Kobe Bryant. This works because I hate Kobe, and I also think LeBron is ugly.

Ovie wins in the regular season. Last year the Capitals won the President's Trophy, the award given the team with the best regular season record. Ovie wins Hart Trophies, the award given the MVP of the league (he won it in 2008 and 2009). Ovie leads the league in scoring, and points, and all these hockey things I don't care to understand fully.

Ovie also flames out in the playoffs. He doesn't get it done, he doesn't perform. He's forced to carry his team.

You know who else won back-to-back MVPs and consistently wins the regular season? Who also can't win in the playoffs? LeBron James.

On the other hand, Crosby wins championships. Thats what he does. He wins in the clutch, he wins in the playoffs, he wins in the Olympics. He's a winner. He makes the players around him better. Like Kobe does. Crosby isn't glamorous, in fact he's quite disgusting, but he is efficient.

The only good thing about hockey is the players sign ridiculously long contracts. Ovie's is for something like 13 years. I don't think I have worry about him taking his talents to the Florida Panthers anytime soon.

Number 3.

DC/Metro Area Fans- I was once proud to be a member of this group. A heartily dedicated group who stuck through things think and thin. Always remembering the glory days of old.

Now? A bunch of wishy-washy, non-commital, pansies who don't know how to believe in anything. They live life with a constantly negative outlook and can never accept the good things around them.

The Redskins have beaten two division rivals and one of the top ranked teams in the NFC yet Skins fans want to complain about how we suck and it won't last. You know what? Who cares if it doesn't last!? Who cares if we don't win another game? Enjoy our 3-2 record, enjoy being at the top of the NFC East, and support your team.

Or I will make you spend a long weekend with Jim Zorn and Gilbert Arenas.

Some Catching Up To Do...

I love this blog. It's a lot of fun to have. I hate that its pretty much just become a place to post awards for my fantasy football league. Then again, I did warn you about that here. That said, I feel that there are a few things we need to catch up on. So let's spend the next few minutes getting behind on our work and reading something for entertainment.

Speaking of entertainment, a topic I haven't visited lately, the new Fall season of TV is here. Let's dive in on a few shows. The good, the bad, and the changing.

The Good:

Community- If you aren't watching this show you're missing out on the funniest show on NBC. In it's second season they've found their niche and the brilliant writers are slaying viewers week by week with off-the-wall hilarity only a show like this can pull off. Chevy Chase is the new Dr. Bob Kelso (Scrubs). Every line he has is hilarious, and he never misses. Plus you can follow his character's thoughts on Twitter, @OldWhiteGuySays.

The cast is a pure blend of points of view from all sides of the spectrum and includes giggle inducing running gags that have yet to disappoint.

With lines like, "Are there any other conspiracy theories?" "Yes. Did you know Go-Gurt is just yogurt?!" and "Well Shirley, since you have clearly failed to grasp the central insipid metaphor of those Twilight books you devour, let me explain it to you! Men are monsters who crave young flesh." How do you not watch this show?

Go to Hulu right now and catch up. It's only two episodes. You will not be disappointed...unless you're a stuffy old bag who doesn't like to enjoy life. Then I understand.

30 Rock- One line from Tracy Jordan, "I lost my mood ring! And I don't know how I feel about it!"

The Bad:
The Event- Let me admit this upfront, I haven't watched this show. In fact, I don't plan on it unless I have 45 minutes to kill and someone is threatening to beat me in the face with a flank steak unless I watch it. Look, I like to think of myself as a creative person. It doesn't matter if I am, I like to think that. It makes me feel good. Anyway, I've never seen such a blatant attempt to rip off another concept since that Gap commercial stole the Mellow Yellow song.

 Obviously there is a vacant spot in everyone's heart for Lost. And by 'everyone' I mean people with a lot of free time. But this show is flagrantly advertising that it will "Take the place of Lost!". Not to mention the big mystery of the season so far- "Where did the plane go?!" Are you joking? If you want to copy another show's mysterious, more-questions-than-answers type of story line, don't involve a disappearing plane! That was the whole premise of the other show! Try a little bit harder.

Also, the show features a young, black president, which is fine by me, I have nothing against that at all. Except, why is it that all white politicians on TV are old, wrinkly, scum-bag looking types and all black politicians on TV are in their 30s and have a super model wife. 24 did this with their presidents as well. Just make decisions that make sense.

One other point (because I really hate that this show exists), if you want people to buy in to the show you must have likeable characters. People you want to identify with or at least like to look at. The Event features a lead actor that is soft, unconvincing and doesn't command the show (Matthew Fox did all of that for Lost) and some crazy looking chick that is supposed to know something. Its all more unsettling than it is exciting. Hurley, Kate, Sawyer, Jack, Sun, Jin...all characters that are finitely better than anything on The Event.

Also, the name of this show is terrible. The 'event'? Who writes this? Can they be fired? I'm starting a crime-drama show, it's going to be called "Law Violators".

I hate this show.

Outsourced- I'll sum this up with a quote from my sister-in-law, "I watched the first ten minutes, turned it off and went to bed." She made the right decision. I stomached my way through the whole episode. That's the last time I do that.

The Changing:
The Office- Easily my favorite show currently on the air. This season is the last for Michael Scott, Steve Carell knows he will make millions filming movies as opposed to hundreds of thousands filming The Office. I'm not sure what is in store for the future of this show, although I do expect its run is slowly coming to an end. This season, however, we're seeing a lot of Jim/Dwight/Andy action which I could watch all day. Seriously, in college we would just turn on seasons of The Office and watch it all day. I miss college sometimes. All day spent watching The Office. Now I spend all day in an office.

The show is doing some funny things: having Dwight purchase the office building, Pam scheming her way into a faux position she created to get out of sales, and Jim having a lot of lines. And some unfunny things: bringing up deep-seated issues with Michael, not giving Creed enough lines and only being half an hour long. Either way, I think they'll pull out all the stops this season and go out swinging...Chris Brown style.

Sportz-
If you aren't reading my columns on isportsweb.com you are a terrible person. Or, a person who just doesn't care that much about football. Especially the Houston Texans. You can find my articles here, I try to keep them fun, but they're more statistically driven than the blog posts are.

Washington Redskins- I'll end with my take on the Redskins.
Offense- We have done a good job establishing the run, which is shocking. Ryan Torain is a great addition, his fresh legs bring a lot to the team and Portis showed some burst this week against Philly. We need to trade for Vincent Jackson immediately. Santana Moss is a great slot receiver, but when defenses key on him he ends up with 1 catch for 0 yards, like he did against Philly. Also, Stephon Heyer is a joke. Trent Williams needs to get healthy stat or Heyer will break the all-time record for holding and false start penalties.

Defense- Just switch back to a 4-3 already. This "bend-but-don't-break" defense is killing us. The defense stays on the field while opposing teams rack up 10-12 minute drives, then our offense (who is now ice-cold) comes back on the field and goes run, run, pass, punt. Now our defense, tired from playing 12 straight minutes and given a 2 minute rest, must come back on the field and defend for another 8 minute drive. It's appalling.

Positives, however, LaRon Landry's true potential is showing, Orakpo gets held on every play, and Kareem Moore is back. We successfully injured three of the Eagle's best players (Mike Vick, Asante Samuel and LeSean McCoy). The Redskins are a wrecking crew. If you watch, the secondary never watches they ball, they just tee-up big hits. Landry probably could have had two interceptions, but he just lines up the receivers in his sights. DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin apparently knew this, because they looked too terrified to catch the ball on the Eagle's final drive.

Hope we got caught up on everything we needed to. Fantasy Awards will post later this week, so you can look forward to ignoring that.

Redskins 2-2, 2-0 in the division!

Week 1: Redskins v. Cowboys

Hold on just one second. Hold on there. Hold it. Hold on. Hold this for me.

OK, we're ready. I had to get my fix of holding jokes before we started. In case you missed it (and you have no excuse, I stayed up until the clock expired and woke up at 5am this morning), the Skins beat the Cowboys in the final seconds 13-7 when a holding penalty on Alex Barron nullified a game winning touchdown pass to Roy E. Williams (where the 'E' stands for Egregious Excuse for a Wide Reciever).

Let's recap this game the only way a Redskins fan knows how, with blatant homerism and an unabashed pummeling of whatever is left of the Cowboys dignity. There will be high fives and repetitive jokes galore!

In celebration of the victory, let's have a 'holding' themed recap. Here we go!

Hold on to that Feeling- Redskins fans everywhere have forgotten what it feels like to hang on to a lead late in the game and not lose in the final seconds. In fact, last year we lost to Dallas on a touchdown pass in the final two minutes after leading the entire game. So enjoy this win Redskins fans. It is a huge victory for a very competitive division. Every win counts, no matter what Dallas fans are saying this morning.

By the way, this is what Dallas fans are saying this morning:

1) "We beat ourselves, too many stupid mistakes. Skins didn't win that game." - Not arguing with that, but we did force a fumble and score off it, and held the Boys to one score all game.

2) "It's just one game, we wanted to give you guys a win so you remember what it feels like. No biggie."- Let's see if you're still saying that at the end of the season when the division is neck and neck.

3) "It's Jason Garret's fault, he should have called for a kneel down at the end of the first half!" - Classic deflection. Let me guess, it was also JFK's fault for driving in a convertible?

4) "Dem Cowboys make so many scores dat Rudskins no have points to put on boards!! Go for downtouches Cah-bayysss! Make Bowl Super!" - *ahem* Sorry. I just hate the Cowboys.

5) "Mmm, warm apple pie would be so good right now."

Sorry, that last one was Wade Phillips.

Hold Your Horses- In one game, Mike Shanahan has won more divisional games than Jim Zorn did all last season. Not only was it against Dallas, but it was opening night in DC. This is a special win for Washington fans. However, lets take a second and remember the Redskins didn't dominate this game. They were just more consistent than Dallas was and made fewer mistakes. Let's not crown the Skins yet. They will not be winning (or playing in) the Super Bowl this year.

Hold on to DeAngelo Hall- I've lambasted many Redskins defensive players in my day, and I've never particularly liked DeAngelo Hall (mostly because he went to VA Tech). However, DeAngelo was clearly the player of the game this week. He showed a lot of maturity and growth this week, continually hawking the ball and forcing a big play turnover. What I've been impressed with most by him, however, is that he's a fighter and he's scrappy. He's not afraid to get in the face of the opposing team and stir things up. He brings a fire and a passion to the defense that only London Fletcher has shown in recent history. We need guys like him to make plays and put the pressure on.

That said, he still isn't a great tackler and will get beat from time to time. But his intangibles are so valuable to a defense that needs a spark.

Oh, and Tech lost to JMU this weekend. The football gods were smiling upon me.

Hold the line!- I was not throughly impressed with the offensive line this week, but I suppose it could have been a lot worse. I think rookie left tackle Trent Williams did a pretty good job against one the league's premiere pass rushers, DeMarcus Ware. They were gunning for McNabb, but he maintained his composure and was able to get rid of the ball quickly when pressured. Something Campbell never did well.

On the other side of the ball, I thought the defensive line was getting good pressure on Romo. He was forced into making short, quick passes most of the game. Brian Orakpo would have ended that game with about four sacks if Barron knew how to play right tackle without employing the "Strangle Hold" technique. I loved seeing Defensive Coordinator Jim Haslett consistently going after the quarterback even on Dallas' final drive of the game.

Hold onto the Ball- Of course the big play of the game was Tashard Choice's fumble that was run back for a score by D. Hall to end the first half. To me, however, the bigger missed opportunity was Carlos Rogers dropping an interception on Dallas' final drive. That was a quintessential Carlos "Stonehands" Rogers play. The pick would have ended the game and saved me from wetting the bed. Let me tell you, its not fun changing the sheets at 11:45pm.

Hold it right there- I've been, um...well...harsh on LaRon Landry. Zorn played him at Free Safety last year, which worked about as well as trying to start a car with a hamburger bun and a bag of sawdust. Haslett, who is not a massive idiot or suffering from a head injury, moved Landry over to Strong Safety, and brought him in closer to the line of scrimmage to stop the run, clog up lanes and get to the quarterback. It was almost inspiring watching Landry's closing speed and strength. He was highly touted coming out of LSU as a play maker and a big hitter, but he left Skins fans scratching their heads as he consistently missed coverages and was beat on double moves last season. This year seems to be a new start for Landry. Here's hoping Haslett keeps him where he is so he can play in a position he excels at.

Hold your head up- It was not an impressive game from McNabb, the Redskins wide receivers, the Redskins running backs, or the Redskins play callers. Portis averaged 3.5 yards per carry, a sub-par number. McNabb only threw for 171 yards, with a completion percentage under 50%. Washington called consecutive fade routes to Anthony Armstrong on 2nd and 3rd down that both failed. Armstrong, by the way, is only 5'11", not a prime candidate for a fade route, but what do I know. Only Chris Cooley and Santana Moss could catch the balls from McNabb, accounting for 12 of his 15 completions.

The point being, there is still a lot of room for improvement from this Washington team. Yet, we were able to get the win by playing great defense, forcing turnovers and keeping our composure when things were tight.

I mean, we just beat the Dallas Cowboys without scoring an offensive touchdown. How often will that happen this season?

Hold the door- As in screen door. As in screen pass. As in, the Cowboys called approximately 37 screen passes to rookie wide out Dez Bryant last night. This is my frustration with Jerry Jones. He gets a new toy and wants to showcase it. So instead of letting his play callers do their job he forces us to watch Dez Bryant catch screen pass, after screen pass, after screen pass. All for 0 yards. I think Bryant can be a stud in the NFL. He has the look, the size, speed, skill, and the name of a prime time wide out in this league. I think his future is bright. But please stop throwing him screen passes just so he can catch the ball.

Hold Brian Orakpo by his neck- and lose the game. Dallas' offensive line struggles are worse than we may have feared at this point. Barron is clearly not a competent lineman, and shouldn't be starting for this team much longer. Doug Free did well at left tackle, but Romo was pressured often and Jason Garret's play calling was structured on three or five step drops and quick, short passes. It kept Romo clean (he was sacked only once), but it took away the deep threat. Dallas isn't a team that can win games with a bunch of short throws and abandoning the run, which they did this game. They'll need better play from the O-line if they want to live up to the Super Bowl hype surrounding them....again....for the 10th year in a row....even though they've won 1 playoff game this decade.....the same number as the Redskins....I hate the Cowboys.

Hold to the Redskins- Pardon me, I mean Hail to the Redskins.

I Hate the Cowboys

It's Dallas week in Washington, which means Redskins fans are salivating at the opportunity to go after the Cowboys Sunday night in the nation's capital. Meanwhile, Cowboys fans look forward to a real challenge against a natural rival...their week 3 match up against the Houston Texans.

It's no surprise the Cowboys/Redskins rivalry has lost some steam in recent years. So what if the Cowboys have won 19 of the last 26 match ups? So what if the Redskins can't get out of the bottom of the division? So what if we need the quarterback of another division rival to actually have a shot at beating them?

I don't care. I have plenty of reasons to hate the Dallas Cowboys. More importantly, you have plenty of reasons to hate the Dallas Cowboys. And seeing as this blog is all about me, you get to look at it through the eyes of a Redskins fan.

First of all, where do they get off self proclaiming that they're America's team? I was taught Native Americans occupied this land first, a people the Redskins proudly represent (and simultaneously demean with their name). If any team represents this land, it's the one that resides in the capital and pays homage to the noble people who first inhabited the land. Not the lawless, gunslinging, philanderers who pillaged the land and taught us that tobacco is cool and isn't something that will slowly kill you.

Secondly, in a normal world, when I think of a greedy, immature, self-righteous owner I should think of Dan Snyder, the Redskins head honcho. Instead, my thoughts turn to Jerry Jones. Dallas provides the pinnacle of self-absorbed ownership willing to spend blindly solely to gain media attention, set records for attendance, and whore out the very good name of American Football. Jerry Jones represents everything wrong with our nation. Don't believe me? He got his money out of oil and gas. Probably the two things American's hate the most right now other than terrorism and toll roads (No, I'm not equating Jerry Jones to a terrorist. Not in writing at least).

Not only does he represent big business's dominance over the market, he reeks a noxious odor of entitlement and greed. This is a man who fired a fan-favorite coach Tom Landry unceremoniously after 29 years of service to the team, and then ran the next coach out of town after he won two Super Bowls! That coach, Jimmy Johnson, is considered to be one of the greatest, being one of two men to win a college football national championship and a Super Bowl.

Let's not forget Jerry Jones' penchant for ranting, raving and making incendiary comments about other figures in the league, including but not limited to Bill Parcells and Tim Tebow. The stench of this man! Quite the leader the Dallas Cowboys have. Do I even need more reasons to hate them? No. But I have them!

How about the Cowboys' ability to maintain center stage and be considered a perennial contender year after year when they've achieved so little and consistently disappointed so many? The Cowboys have made the playoffs four times this decade, played 5 games and won only one! That's a 20% win percentage in the playoffs. Yet every September I have to hear about how this team will be in the Super Bowl. Is that what Jerry Jones sold his soul for? Because its not working.

Heck, the Redskins boast a higher playoff win percentage this decade at 50%. Sure they've only been twice, but at least we're converting at a faster rate than the Dallas dream girls.

Look, if you want to sit around and discuss potential and "upside" go have dinner with Mel Kiper, Jr. and talk about made up statistics that don't matter. When you routinely get routed in the playoffs, lose because of general incompetence, or the inability to hold up under pressure you do not get the privileged to boast.

Yet Dallas fans are always the first to open their mouths. They drive me nuts! (Not any of the fans I'm personally friends with, of course, but the rest of them do).

Dallas fans you don't get any respect from me for being a Cowboys fan unless you or your family is from Texas. If you want to follow a cute quarterback, go root for the Patriots. If you want to cheer for a popular team, go jump on the Saints bandwagon. Take your half-hearted, transparent, uniformed rooting interests elsewhere. We don't have room for that in D.C. There's too much traffic already.

Here I am in Northern Virginia having to hear misinformed, ignorant and blind Cowboys sycophants boast about the accomplishments of this team and its domination over the Redskins. Do something in the league for once! Do something that matters! Then boast to me. Win an NFC Championship game. Win a Super Bowl. Something. Winning the NFC East is nice, but the playoffs matter more.

Cowboys have an 51% win percentage this decade, 82-78. What is there to brag about? Plus they're coached by the amorphous blob Wade Phillips. Have you ever watched a football game and visibly noticed the coach was daydreaming about pie? Only in Dallas.

Shoot, Jim Zorn looked clueless and overwhelmed all the time but at least he was trying.

Dallas fans everywhere are seething. Cocky and blind to the facts, they boast, "We've dominated the Redskins! What have you done this decade! Your team is a joke and you have no room to talk!"

Whoop-de-do. You were able to beat up on an incompetent franchise that has lacked stability and leadership for 15 years. That's like me boasting about going to the elementary school and whipping everyone's butt at a dodgeball. It doesn't compute. You have to compare yourself to your peers.

Is you're quarterback competent under pressure? Is he more than just a fantasy football machine? I don't see Drew Brees or Peyton Manning crumbling when the temperature gets turned up. Will you find a way to win no matter what? Is there a player on your team that you know will take over when the moment arises?

No. You don't have that. Tony Romo continues to be a great statistical quarterback and a poor leader. You're star wideouts have been divas that go unchecked for years until you get rid of them (see, Terrell Owens, Roy E. Williams, and likely Dez Bryant in 5 years). You can't get peak performance from a slew of stud running backs because your offensive line is crumbling and your play callers consistently want to bomb the ball down field. A defense that boasts some of the most dominant players in their position lacks organization and focus. Who do you turn to when the game is on the line? Romo and Miles Austin? Is that the latest excuse for dominate players? When have they shown clutch ability when it matters?

I look at the stud offensive units in the NFL, the Colts, Saints, Patriots, and I see leaders who dictate the flow of the game and make plays. I look at the stud defensive units of the NFL, the Jets, 49ers, Ravens, and I see fiery players who go after the ball and the quarterback like they're stuffed with money. Yet the Cowboys teams of late have lacked all these qualities, and are still placed in the upper echelons of the league. Why? Reputation? It's been a while since Aikman, Smith and Irvin were running things.

Here's the point:

The Cowboys are the Jennifer Aniston of the NFL. They bring a lot of potential, a lot of hype, and constantly remain famous. Yet everything they've produced in the last 10 years has been a wretched excuse for a professional product. They stay relevant because they were once paired with winners, and now they're defined by colossal breakups and mismanagement. Sure they may be attractive on paper, but in reality Aniston is a hot mess and the Cowboys collapse like a house of cards in a windstorm.

I hate that team. I hate the offense, Romo, Miles Austin, Dez Bryant, Jason Witten, Felix Jones. I hate the defense, Demarcus Ware, Keith Brooking, Terrence Newman. I hate the legends, Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin, Tony Dorsett. I hate the idiots with stupid names, Marion Barber the Third, Roy E. Williams, Ed "Too Tall" Jones. I hate the management, Jerry Jones, and Wade Phillips. I hate Dallas.

And I carry a general disdain for Texas because of it.

Do I expect the Skins to win Sunday? Of course not. But, more importantly, do I expect Dallas to get to the Super Bowl?

OF COURSE I DO! This blog is going to be the worst reverse jinx in the history of the NFL. And thats why I hate Dallas.

Blood is burgundy for a reason.

Hail to the Redskins. Hail Victory.

Acknowledgements to Bill Simmons for inspiring some of the thoughts above.

College Football, What a Waste

College football is such a waste. What an awful product. Has there been another sport with such a devoted following that the people in charge can just say, "We can do whatever we want to bastardize this sport, and people will watch it religiously without question. Instead of working to improve it, let's go play a round of Tostitos sponsored golf and then get a free Verizon Wireless massage."

Its embarrassing. And you eat it up year after year.

Before I fool you into agreeing with me, lets come to terms on one thing. Football is the George Clooney of sports. There is nothing that can be done to tarnish its legacy. Have you ever thought ill of Clooney for ripping through hot Italian models like they were a bag of chips? Has there ever been a man who carried a smug look on his face that reeks of, "I'm so much better than everyone here its not even funny. The straight guys would date me if I asked" better than he has? I can't stand Sean Penn for having beliefs and trying to share them with people, yet I'd allow Clooney to wipe his bum with my tie just so I could say he did.

The point is, football in America is untouchable. Baseball is ruined by steroids controversies instantly. Football? Eh. No biggie. We like our players overly aggressive and muscular.

What other sport can you shoot up a strip club, be accused of sexual assault, be found with drugs, shoot yourself in the leg, and fight and kill dogs and be accepted back into the league as soon as your suspension is over? That's right, the NBA. But you're missing the point.

NFL fans become outraged over rules each year and they cry out in complaint and, surprisingly, they're heard. The NFL works to become better. Consider a shortened pre-season? OK. Change the over time rules to allow both teams to have a chance? Sure.

But College football? There's a sport that says, "Forget the fans, more money please!" And the fans, like teenage girls after the Jonas brothers, fawn over their team, coaches, players and BCS system. Its pathetic.

I'm supposed to be excited over a college football season that features opening games like Florida v. Miami of Ohio (45-0)? Ohio St. v. Marshall (45-7)? Tennesee v. Tennessee-Martin, (50-0)? Nebraska v. Western Kentucky (49-10)? Or how about the epic battle between Oregon and New Mexico? That thriller ended 72-0.

I'm sorry, I just don't get excited to watch something my 4 old nephew can do in Madden. This is supposed to be the greatest sport out there? This has die-hard fans getting up at 6am to grill and drink beer for a game thats over in the first 15 minutes? I don't get it.

It's embarrassing. Want to hear some other exciting week 1 battles? Arkansas beat Tennessee Tech 44-3, Florida State beat Samford (Samford?!!) 59-6, Georgia beat LA Lafayette 55-7, and West Virginia beat Coastal Carolina 31-0.

Pardon me if I'm not jumping out of seat in anticipation of the massacre. You know who the Redskins play week 1? The Dallas Cowboys. That's a week 1 match up. Not only a division rival, but a hated rival. Last two years the Redskins opened up against the New York football Giants, another divisional rival. That's how you start a season.

And let's not forget the ridiculous qualifications it takes to get into the BCS title bowl. College football practically demands a perfect season, and sometimes even that's not enough. If you're in the wrong division or if the made-up qualifier "strength-of-schedule" isn't on your side, you end up on the outside looking in year after year (see, Boise State who have lost 1 game in the last 3 years). Yet they get no consideration because they can't play the top ranked teams.

Want to know why? It's not for lack of trying. Boise has been trying to schedule games against ranked teams for years. But the top ranked teams don't want to schedule games against them, get this, for fear of losing and being knocked out of national title contention!!! So Boise will continue to rack up perfect seasons against sub-par teams in their division and never get the recognition they deserve. Vicious cycle anyone?

If in any given week a single game can knock you out of title contention you're not watching a sport. You're watching a Mortal Kombat death match. No sport should demand perfection. Let alone from 20 year old kids!

Coaches are fired, players are benched, programs are ruined by one loss. What kind of environment is that for a competitive sport? All because of one loss? Who runs this fascist regime?

I fully expect the Redskins to lose week 1 at Dallas, but you know what? I'm not counting them out of the playoffs because of that one loss (I'm counting them out because of the other 8 losses they will endure. But that's beside the point).

And we haven't even begun the discussion on the BCS bowl system! The one thing college football fans do complain about. Sure, you'll rant and rave about the broken bowl system and demand a playoff set up...for a few weeks during December and January. Then you'll talk yourself into the bowl system, telling yourself it works and that computers and coaches votes should definitely play a part in determining the champion of a sport. Because, you know, all the pro sports do that....

It's no surprise BCS bowl complaints are heard most readily during bowl season. The rest of the year college football sycophants mindlessly follow the broken system they've been convinced to love.

The sport is such a waste. Hear me now, because I'm doing my best to avoid being ignorant.

Where else do you get every player on either side of the ball leaving everything they've got on the field week in and week out? Where else do you not worry about contract negotiations and players holding out? What other sport do you get to watch and think, "I can see how bad this guys wants it"? Where else can you see the hopes and dreams of players come to reality, or fade away before their eyes?

That's right. College basketball. A system that works. But also NCAA football.

College football, a sport run by big name corporations with an advertising interest, has become hollowed out and turned into a mockery. You get a few great games each year (like Boise St. v. Virginia Tech), and a bunch of cup-cake, falafel games that only serve the purpose of achieving a perfect season (see, reigning national champion Alabama v. San Jose State, 48-3).

They've taken the sport with the greatest potential, the most to gain, and one of the best on-field products and watered it down. There is so much to gain, so much to be done and no one will do it because people watch the system in place.

College football has got to change. At some point, George Clooney is just going to become a creepy old man who could never settle down.

Beach Thoughts and Football

Ever read a column by a writer and you can just tell he (or she) didn't put any effort into it? I mean the piece just seethes with gimmicky ploy and abused reputation. As a reader it can be very frustrating when professionals phone it in.

The good news is I'm not a professional writer. In most cases, I'm probably just someone you went to college with or knew from high school. Less likely, you haphazardly navigated to this page by clicking as many links on Facebook as possible. And in one case, you're that creepy guy who keeps sending me pictures of phallic object. Please stop Jimmy. Please stop.

Anywho, this just means that I can't be accused of phoning anything in because no one is paying me to do this...............yet....hopefully. Doubtfully ever. Maybe. But probably not.

I returned from my mini-vacation to Ocean City, MD yesterday. We went with three other couples for four days and had a blast. In between the times when I was laying on the beach, strolling on the boardwalk, or mercilessly being made fun of for tweeting all my thoughts I was...well...tweeting all my thoughts.

Apparently some people find this incredibly lame. I refer to them as "uneducated Neanderthals", they refer to me as "the moron no one is paying attention to."

If you don't know anything about Twitter (and you probably don't because honestly, who does?) I'll briefly explain it and recap some of my thoughts from the beach.

Twitter is a forum where you can post thoughts under 140 characters for you "followers" to read. That's the easy part.

Here's the confusing part. You may have seen people on Facebook who write an @ then someone's name or a # then a word and I presume its left you confused.

Ex. "I went to the beach with @wesbunting and I saw his #buttcheeks" (all of which is true by the way).

The @ sign, similar to Facebook, will tag another Twitter user and post it to the Twitter equivalent of their Facebook news feed. The # sign, called a hash tag, will tag the word and will link to anyone else who hash-tagged that same word. Apparently #justinbieber is a popular one to tag. I wouldn't know the first thing about it.

The below are my tweets from this beach weekend, hash-tagged #beachthoughts as they are my thoughts....from the beach. Any added context is in italics.

From @Quickdraw33 - www.twitter.com/quickdraw33 (you can visit without a twitter account):

- "been at ocean city for 30 min and ive already seen a 65 yr old man getting arrested. will b a good weekend #beachthoughts" (I had never been to Ocean City before, and my wife warned me in advance that there were a lot of unscrupulous people there. I thought she meant they lost their scruples. Turns out thats not a real thing.)

- "boardwalks are a breeding ground for creepers #beachthoughts" (See above. You'll notice this is a bit of a recurring theme.)

- "open container laws are put on hold at the beach...but only if youre wearing a sleeveless shirt and backwards hat #beachthoughts"

- "sand is the herpes of the beach, once you get it on youre stuck for life #beachthoughts" (Probably not the most original thought, but still very true.)

- "nothing says "im cool" like sagging ur bathing suit and carrying a red solo cup. fist pumps aplenty....#beachthoughts"

- "if you are a russian immigrant working a fry stand you should not wear a confederate flag bikini. actually, no one should. #beachthoughts" (Where's a camera when you need it?)

- "seagulls are the homeless people of the ocean. dont drop your french fries. #beachthoughts"

- "this is how a man grills #beachthoughts http://twitpic.com/2ir4k6" (More accurately, 'This is what a man grills')

- "telling an unfunny story at dinner is always very awkward #beachthoughts" (I was trying to recant my Russian immigrant story but a combination of the "you had to be there" effect plus my stutter impeded the story telling and resulted in distracted looks and only one guy laughing. Me.)

- "i have sand in uncomfortable places #beachthoughts" (Of course I did, I was at the beach.)

- "golf at the beach is 100,000 times better than regular golf #beachthoughts" (Start of a great day.)

- "shot a 94 today..new personal best #beachthoughts" (End of a great day. Mind you, I fell apart on the last two holes, had 7's on both. I was playing for 90....wow! #tootingmyhorn)

- "no trip is complete without a trip to Phillips seafood #beachthoughts" (Start of a bad night.)

- "i dont care what they say, you definitely can eat too much crab meat #beachthoughts" (End of a bad night. Lets just say our bathrooms were well used.)

- "if everyone else at the beach is a scumbag, am i a scumbag by default? #beachthoughts" (Again, my recurring theme. I can't overstate enough how weird people at the beach are. There is no semblance of normal people anywhere.)

- "street performers do not belong at the beach, they belong in the shattered dreams of high school drop outs #beachthoughts" (Its just a fact.)

- "no mater who you are or what youve done, your buttcrack should never be outside your swim suit #beachthoughts"

- "tide changes can be dangerous...especially for keeping bathing suits on #beachthoughts" (This explains all the buttcracks.)

- "truck with 2 kayaks, 2 canoes, 2 bikes and 1 guy with a beard and no shirt driving #beachthoughts" (This was on the way home, and you know exactly what kind of guy I'm talking about.)

So remember to follow me on Twitter my handle is @JustinTimeforBieber. I mean...@Quickdraw33....

Now for a few football thoughts.

Football- Preseason Game 3 Redskins v. Jets

- Shonn Greene is a Coke machine. At least thats how @WesBunting described him. And he would know, he writes professionally for the National Football Post. Now, if we can just figure out a way for me to take his job...

- Trent Williams, rookie left tackle for the Skins, looks fat. Like, borderline nonathletic fat. He's been playing pretty well for a rookie so far and I've been pleased with most of what I've seen...but he's giving Haynesworth a run for his money size wise.

- Not literally of course, Haynesworth has more money that Mr. Monopoly.

- Speaking of Big Al, it was good to see him with the first team getting some action that didn't involve a fist full of cheeseburgers to his face. I'm glad Shanny caved a little and played Al early, putting a stop (for now) to this distracting melodrama. It appears they have buried the hatchet and can move on with the season.

- A season that will involve a hurt Donovan McNabb. Prior to the start of the preseason I asked what the over/under was on a Redskins defensive lineman getting hurt. It was a bit of a reverse jinx in the hopes that none actually would (so far so good). However, I didn't realize the ramifications my pondering would have on McNabb. Here's hoping his ankle heals in time for him to throw 3 interceptions against Dallas in week 1.

- Lets all not forget the Jets were without their best player (Revis) and their defensive scheme was what we like to call "vanilla". So don't get all excited.

- Also, the Jets will not be great this year. Sanchez is a mess.

The moron no one is paying attention to, out.

Redskins v. Ravens, Preseason Game 2

OK, before we start I'm going to need everyone to settle down. Have a glass of water, take a few deep breathes, zip your pants back up. The world is not coming to an end....yet.

I've learned that Washington fans have an incredible amount of resiliency and fortitude. I'm sorry, I mis-wrote that. Washington fans have the innate ability to flip from supremely confident world-conquerers, to terror-stricken self-loathers at the snap of a football. As the most capable fan around, I find this frustrating.

I'm not going to recap this game saying "It's only preseason, it doesn't even count!" or "All hell has broken loose! Women and children to the life boats! Abandon ship! The Redskins are terrible once again! This season is finished!" Thats what the guy in your office who is a Level 8 fan did (See this for reference).

What we're going to do is look at the things you're supposed to look at during a preseason game, and throw in a few pop-culture references to keep the casual reader entertained.

How does the offensive line look? How's the defense look? What young wide receivers are making an impact? What are areas of improvement? How does Mike Shanahan get his skin to look so leathery?

Unlike Sport's Junkie Eric Bickel, from 106.7 The Fan, I'll actually answer these questions instead of writing a blog simply posing them, seen here. That was the least effort put into a blog since Jason "Lurch" Bishop, of The Fan, wrote this.

Here we go.

Offensive Line Play- Painful. It was like watching a TBS marathon of J-Lo movies. The Skins made marked improvement along the offensive line in the offseason, but there are still some holes as the new group of "Hogs" learn to play together. I don't blame the line that much, the Ravens have a stellar group of linebackers and Terrell Suggs continuously beat rookie left tackle Trent Williams off the ball. I do blame Larry Johnson, however. He was as useful as a dead fish blocking in the backfield. Pathetic. In true Washingtonian fashion, I'll overreact and say, "CUT THAT GUY!"

Let's also not forget the impressive defensive line the Ravens have in Haloti Ngata and Big Boy Terence Cody. That's like trying to stop a pack of hippos with a feather duster and beef jerky.

Boring Stat- The Redskins had 25 yards rushing in this game. Larry Johnson averaged .5 yards per carry on 8 attempts. HALF A YARD!? On 8 attempts!?! Cut that guy.

Defensive Team Play- I liked what I saw from the defense this game. We're still having trouble stopping the run, but that will work itself out as we get more familiar with the 3-4 defense. It was good to see LaRon Landry making a few plays now that he's playing Strong Safety instead of whatever that knucklehead Jim Zorn was doing with him. Everyone copy this paragraph and save it to your computers. This is the first (and likely last) good thing I've said about LaRon Landry.

Also of note, London Fletcher is as impressive as ever. He's the Bruce Willis of this team. You figure, "Hey, he's about a hundred years old. He's probably lost a step. No big deal if he bombs this week." Then, BAM! You remember why he's one of the greatest at what he does.

I'm just saying, you throw a hair piece on Bruce Willis and I'm convinced he can beat Zeus in an arm wrestling contest.

Boring Stat- Landry led the team with 8 tackles (6 solo) this week. And Al Haynesworth, when not busy standing up after the snap and watching the action from the middle of the field, accounted for 1 tackle, which was a sack. See! If you only applied yourself Albert...

Young Talent- If you have watched one second of Redskins preseason (which I know is asking a lot from some of you), you know Anthony Armstrong's name. He had a touchdown last week, and was the most reliable wide receiver this week accounting 4 catches for 89 yards. He gets me excited at the possibility of not seeing Malcolm Kelly's name on the roster this year.

We didn't get to see much of Ryan Torrain this week (1 carry, 2 yards), but Keiland Williams continued to look good in his limited action, at least while catching passes out of the backfield (3 catches for 39 yards).

Boring Stat- I gave you enough stats in that paragraph, so instead: The odds you'll die from your underwear catching on fire is 1 in 30,589,556. So, you know, thats one less thing to worry about.

Area of Improvement- We MUST keep Donovan McNabb clean. He's gotta be protected because we all saw how inaccurate he was throwing under slight pressure. He was hit a few times and was icing his ankle after the game. Not great signs. We gotta take care of him.

Boring Stat- The Ravens hit the quarterback 7 times, resulting in 4 sacks.

Ultimately, this is what I think happened in the game. We failed to score on our first drive, even after converting three 3rd downs and hitting Fred Davis in the hands in the endzone. Then the momentum shifted when the Ravens earned 51 yards on a fake punted putting them on the 1 yard line. They scored shortly after.

Football is a game of momentum, and one huge shift in it gets the Redskins playing from behind and making mistakes. McNabb and the starters only had two more drives to rectify the situation, which was insufficient and with the final score it looks like the Ravens whooped us.

You give Fred Davis some hands, and let Gano hit the FG he missed and the first half ends 13-13 instead of 13-3.

Just some thoughts. Let's not overreact next time, ok?

Oh, and if you're looking for an opinion on the latest Haynesworth/Shanahan drama I'll let Sally Jenkins of the Washington Post do the talking.