Shameless Self Promotion

If you know me or any of my brothers you know one thing, we are prodigious. One might say jim-dandy, even. No, its a real word, look it up. We are also slightly full of ourselves.

But that's ok! Because what we lack in humility we make up for in charm, quick wit, handsomeness and general masculinity. Did I mention we're full of ourselves?

I tell you this because often times we can get into situations that are largely slanted against us. Take my brother Jason, for instance. This is a guy who selflessly elected to travel to South Africa to spread the Good Word by playing basketball, speaking to youth and petting wild lions. Pretty humble right?

What you don't know is he also takes longer to get ready than every female in my family. He owns 27 pairs of shoes, models his hair after what is popular in Europe right now and keeps his facial hair neatly trimmed with a level 2 razor.

What can I say? We're not perfect. I mean, look at this guy!

So my brother Jason had a friend who, in an attempt to raise funds for his trip to South Africa, foolishly created a Facebook Fan Page. If anyone knows anything about anything, its that the only thing used less than a Facebook Fan Page is the Slap Chop. Naturally, the page was quickly abandoned and a grand total of 4 Lira was raised by a very confused Italian man named Frederico.

There the page lay... wasted, alone, in want of attention. Enter our villians:

For anonymity sake, we'll call the guy in the picture Libby and we'll call the chick Joe. You know, so no one knows their real names.

These two dirty devils discovered the aforementioned Fan Page and saw it as an extraordinary opportunity to challenge the McGraw name. They fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous of which is to never get involved in a land war in Asia- but only less than that, is to never challenge the McGraw name when our pride is on the line!

They challenged my brother to get 500 fans in 30 days. If he fails, Puerto Rico will forever be tattooed on his lower back.

Now, I understand this causes confusion. Most of you probably think it would be hilarious for Jason to have a small US territory stamped on his tramp. But we McGraws need you to defend our honor! This isn't a question of comical inking, its a blatant challenge to the name of one of country music's biggest stars!

Its Taylor Swift McGraw, right? Whatever.

So I'm asking you to do one thing for me. Join his Fan Page. I already know you're logged into Facebook, thats how you got to this page to begin with. So give me two clicks. One here, and one where it says Become a Fan. Remember, Fan Pages just kinda disappear somewhere on your profile and you never see them again. So no harm done.

Look, I know. I'm whoring you out. I apologize in advance. I really do! We all know we hate that person that invites us to events happening 4 hours away on a Wednesday night, or to become a fan of the Feminist Movement of America, or to join a group about Chapstick. I'm giving you the power, just two clicks. It will literally take you 6 seconds. Do it. Please.

If that doesn't persuade you maybe this will.

Don't deny the Captain. You'll regret it.

In summation-

1) We McGraws are pathetic

2) I'm a scum bag asking for your help

3) Anyone who knows the conversion rate of Lira to Euros to American Dollars, could you post it in the Comments section below? Frederico needs his cash back.

4) Please join the Fan Page and consider inviting some of your friends to do the same.

5) The power is yours! Captain Planet...he's our hero...something about pollution and bad guys and zero!

Join the Fan Page.

Duke v. Butler

As my good friend Tommy put it, "To quote the wise sage Eric Creasman, 'Sometimes Goliath beats the [expletive] out of David.'"

I LOVE college basketball. I grew up in a basketball family, playing basketball, watching my brothers play basketball, it was great. There is no better time of year than March when the madness begins. It's like my Christmas.

I suppose I should get it out there now...I'm a Duke fan. Wait!! Let me explain. I'm not a bandwagon, evil empire loving, self-righteous Duke fan or anything, I just have an affinity for Duke basketball. It all started with a little white point guard named Steve Wojciechowski, or Wojo for the sake of spell check. He played for Duke from '94 to '98 and I loved this guy. I was about 8 years old when I began following the college game religiously. Wojo made an impression on me. Here was a short, nonathletic white guy who could command the team and distribute the ball with the best of them. (This was before I realized white guys can play in college, just not the pros). Naturally, he became an instant role model for me, up there with Steve Kerr, Pistol Pete and Inspector Gadget. I figured, "Hey, I can go on a basketball court and slap the floor chanting DEE-FENSE! Why can't I play for Duke?"

The combination of Wojo and the Duke Head Coach, Mike Krzyzewski (Coach K) encompassed everything I loved about basketball. Coach K is not only a basketball guru but a stand up individual. He's a role model, father, philanthropist and teacher. Not to mention he knows a thing or two about winning basketball games, over 800 of them. Not to mention his 11 Final Four appearances, 12 ACC Tournament Championships, 12 ACC Regular Season Championships, and 4 NCAA Tournament Championships. Naturally, I admire him greatly. Naturally, most of the college basketball world despises him and his team.

It's what happens when you win a lot. People find reasons to hate you. Yankees fans understand, Patriots fans understand, Red Wings fans understand. It's what happens.

When I was 10 years old and filling out my NCAA tournament bracket you know who I took to the finals every year? Duke. Do you know how many tourney pools I lost? All of them. I just assumed since this was my favorite team and I like the way they play, and I love their coach and players that they must be contenders every year. Makes sense, right? I learned my lesson quickly.

The past 10 years I have become much more realistic in my expectations of the Blue Devils. I haven't taken them past the Sweet 16 the past couple of tourneys despite their rankings. They just weren't talented enough, didn't have the depth or the star power.

This year was different for me. They had an easy schedule to get to the Final Four, but I still didn't trust them. Is John Scheyer really that good? He looks like puberty is still trying to set in. Nolan Smith? More like Nolan Smurf. Kyle Singler? Sure he's reminiscent of Mike Dunleavey, but he can't lead the team to the finals, right?

Still, this was my team. When the NCAA Bracketologists decides to give you the easiest conference in the tourney you know anything is possible. And as each #1 seed dropped off I really began to believe.

Before I knew it, they were in the Finals against the upstart Butler Bulldogs. Butler was the world's underdogs. The rags to riches story of college basketball. They got by on great defense, passion and teamwork. Their coach is 32 years old and was working at Applebee's in 2000. Yet, on Monday night they had to face off against the juggernaut of college basketball. The Communist Regime, the Russians, the Empire, the Duke Blue Devils.

For the first time in my sports fandom I was rooting for the over budgeted, over hyped Goliath and against the lowly underdogs trying to chase history. I couldn't have been happier.

Butler is a great story. I'm so glad they made it to the finals and they have had a tremendous impact on college basketball. But this Duke team impressed me so much.

As a kid I rooted for the Duke teams that were loaded with first round draft picks to be. They enjoyed nearly undefeated seasons and trounced anyone in their path. This was the first Duke team that wasn't bloated with talent and star power. They were hard working, dedicated, grunt work players who did everything to get it done. Senior leadership led the way.

Sure. I get it. You still think I'm a bandwagoner. You still think I'm a phony and that Duke is worse than a Yankees/Voldemort sandwich. That's fine, I get it.

But Monday night was torture for me. Duke was supposed to blow Butler out, win by 20 and call it a day. Butler just kept hanging around. They made Duke work for every basket, and gave them no open looks. They fought hard on offense and got points from their bench. They just wouldn't go away!

At 10:09pm, when the game broke for halftime, I planned to go to bed (No, not cause I'm on a bandwagon but because I wake up at 5am). I laid down for 20 minutes trying to sleep. I couldn't do it. It was only a 1 point game! Butler could still pull it off! I couldn't sleep. I sat back up in bed and figured I'd watch a little more until Duke pulls away and when the game is firmly in hand I'll go to bed. That moment never came. When Gordon Haywood missed his baseline fall-away jumper to give Butler the lead I almost pooped the bed. Then with a two point lead Zoubek intentionally misses his last free throw and Haywood again heaves one from half court that hits the square on the backboard, bounces straight down in the front of rim then ricochets out, I couldn't believe it. Duke actually did it. This wasn't an Elite Eight game...this was the title match-up. It took a minute to set in.

Nothing, not even Jack Bauer on the Lost island hanging with Jim and Dwight, could keep me up all night like this game did. I was nervously awaiting each shot, each moment, each opportunity. I knew Butler wasn't going to give up, Duke had to earn it. They did. Call me bandwagon, whatever.

Duke has returned to college basketball royalty and taken the throne for another year. I couldn't be happier.

Unless the Redskins traded for a hated rival quarterback and said, "This is your future for the next 3-5 years. Suck it."

In response...

Some things are better left unsaid, this isn't one of those things. I'd be remiss if I failed to offer more in-depth support of my previous thesis. So, if you anger easily, are irrational and have been brainwashed to love baseball, keep reading and feel free to respond!

A good friend of mine is what I describe as a "baseball homer". One of those lifetime fans who grew up around baseball and loves it more than anything. I know right? Doesn't make sense to me either. Anyway, his fiancée decided that for April Fools Day she would tell him that one of his heroes used steroids. He bought it. No questions asked. Hook, line, sinker. He was demoralized. I love this because it serves to prove my point. And because I gained a small amount of joy from it.

If the ESPN headline tomorrow read, "Albert Pujols Admits to Steroid Use", you know who would be shocked? NO ONE! When every one of your star player's reputations can be utterly decimated overnight with no one blinking an eye in surprise, you have a problem with your sport. Sure we'd all be upset that the most recent baseball legend had fallen from grace, but would most of the nation be surprised? I know people who believe Ken Griffey Jr- the ballplayer next door, everyone's favorite guy- used steroids. They just assume ballplayer is synonymous with steroid user. The game has lost all credibility, deservedly or not. It's like someone saying that John Wayne is un-American, you just can't believe anything that person says anymore.

Here's the real point, there is a MAJOR difference between steroids and gun possession (or any of the many other off the field embarrassments that plague major league sports). Using steroids is cheating. Bringing guns to the locker room or a strip club does not give an athlete a competitive advantage over the rest of the league. Yes its a disgrace, an abomination and proves that athletes are not necessarily role models, but it isn't cheating. There is no competitive edge gained by shooting a hooker. Not that I know of. Comparing steroids to gun use is an egregious error in judgement. One affects on field performance and the other shows the pathetic character of a man. You want a solution? Make all the violators watch the Padres play the Indians, they won't want to suffer through that torture again.

The length of the season has nothing to do with how close the standings are when you finally decide to end the madness. It has everything to do with the dilution of a product that already isn't all that enticing. Halfway through last season Texas was only a game and a half behind the Angels. It's still a race, why do we have to suffer for 80 more games? Don't think I'm just bashing baseball, I also think the NBA season is way too long. 82 games? There isn't enough incentive to make all these games valuable. It's just painful. Especially when you're a Wizards and Nationals fan. I can't honestly be expected to watch JaVale McGee 70 times a season, right?

Here's another thing, the money companies invest in the NFL provides an important representation of the nation at the time. People cling to football games, they obsess over them, each one can determine the success or failure of the season or their fantasy teams. Ad revenue gained directly correlates to the value the nation places on it. You don't see companies paying $3 million dollars for a 30 second spot for a mid-season Pirates v. Nationals game do you? I'm pretty sure the only ads they play for those games are for LifeAlert and Depends.

As for the 7th Inning Stretch, this is the only break in sports that is for the fans. The athletes in the NFL, NBA, NHL, MLS, need a break at halftime, periods or quarters to rest and recover. It keeps the quality of competition on the field high at all times. Baseball involves so much inactivity that the fans are given the opportunity to stand up, stretch, yawn, and grab a hot dog. Look up any history about the 7th inning stretch it says nothing about the players. HOW DOES THIS SPORT MAKE ANY SENSE?!

You can explain OPS all you want, but it still means nothing to me. Naturally all sports keep stats and data sets on record, but baseball goes overboard. We're talking hundreds, if not thousands, of statistical categories. CATEGORIES! QB passer rating? Sure its a little absurd and doesn't give the most accurate representation of the value of a QB, but what are BABIP, BsR, DIPS, EQA, FBV, LIPS, PECOTA, PERA, PW/BFW, VORP, wOBA, Pythagorean expectation, Range Factor, and Super Linear weights doing for you? You can't justify the level of obsession baseball degenerates go to in order to justify and explain their sport. It's outlandish, preposterous, bonkers, I say!

One more thing, the luxury tax does nothing to solve the wide disparity of financial value of teams. The tax incurred if teams spend over the limit isn't distributed to smaller teams to promote competitive balance, it goes into an "Industry Growth Fund" that is used for player benefits and marketing purposes to promote baseball. The money that is provided to smaller market teams comes from the MLB's revenue sharing program which is an entirely separate entity from the luxury tax. If this bores you, try to figure out this picture while the baseball nerds read and understand the next paragraph.

Rich teams (yanks, sox, etc) already have enough dough to cover the luxury tax, making it largely ineffective. Read this: The Blue Ribbon Panel explained it this way: "It is generally agreed that the luxury tax fell short of its intended goal because the tax threshold (which was calculated as the mid-point between the fifth and six highest payroll clubs) was allowed to adjust upward in response to club behavior. The flaw in the "floating threshold" was obvious: the more the high payroll clubs spent on players, the higher the tax threshold and the less restraint on payroll escalation."

In layman's terms, teams with more money can spend more and push the luxury tax limit higher and higher effectively nullifying its purpose.

Look, baseball is a widely popular sport, people love it, I get it. All I'm doing is pointing out blatantly obvious flaws and proving to you its allure is expired like old milk. Here's an open challenge to make me appreciate baseball- take me to a game with you (your treat) and let me know what it's all about. I'm willing to change, even if baseball isn't.

And hey, at least no one took issue with my barber.