The Office Crisis

Perhaps it's just another slow day work, or maybe its the constant chatter of my officemates debating which bachelor is right for Ali that drove me to blog today. Ultimately, however, my mom said to write something that isn't about sports. And since I don't want to lose my only reader, I'm going to oblige.

There are two things on my mind currently- the first is the impending Office crisis (not the one about who stunk up your cubicle) and the second is why is it possible for fruit to be 'over-ripe'? I thought ripe was good?

You might have heard that Steve Carell is leaving The Office after this season. If you haven't, then I think this qualifies as the first story I've ever broken. Call the newspapers! Er....call the online news sources! Nominate me for a medal! This is my greatest achievement since sitting through an entire Disney sports movie without crying!

What? I'm in touch with my emotions. Get off it.

Anyway, I love The Office. Its the best show on television that is entering its final season before inevitable collapse. A few months ago I wrote about the comparisons of the U.K. Office and the U.S. Office seen here if you're bored (and yes, I used that sentence so I could link to an archived blog Bill Simmons style). The two shows are so different and we've seen that through the long time success of our version and its impact on American television programming.

My problem is I wish there was a reason to hate Steve Carell for leaving. He's not breaking contract or selling out, just moving on to bigger things. Plus, he's probably doing the smart thing by getting out after season 7. Most shows go downhill after 5 seasons because there just aren't that many fresh story lines that are believable. I've read that this season Holly comes back for 8 episodes and Dwight might just succeed in buying the office building, so there's plenty of material. But after that without Michael? I just don't know. It's gonna be like Cleveland after LeBron left....except I won't burn my seasons of The Office on DVD because I don't waste money trying to act self-righteous.

And....that's about enough with the factually relevant and sensible discussion. Onto absurd conclusions and hate mongering.

Here are 5 things I think about the 3rd best show NBC on Thursday nights, 30 Rock:

1) Die-hard fans of 30 Rock suck. They're as irrational as doggy hotels. If dogs wanted to stay in tiny hotels they would have built them in the wild out of kibbles and bits.....of dead rabbits. I haven't found one person who can discuss 30 Rock without calling me a noob or something. Why can't you just like your show the best and I can like my show the best? I still watch 30 Rock. I just don't also re-watch it on Hulu the next day and then send Youtube clips to my friends at work then berate anyone who dares to say that any show in the history of television is better than it. Settle down people.

(I wanted to post a screen shot of the "Leave Brittany Alone" guy and caption it with "LEAVE 30 ROCK ALONE!" but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I can't live knowing his picture is somewhere on my blog. Instead, here's a picture of a Charmin bear playing football with toilet paper on its butt. Because bears use toilet paper.)

2) You don't even have to write lines for Tracy Morgan. Every word that comes out of his mouth is fraught with nonsensical hilarity. He's the Ron Artest of TV....minus the violent streak.

3) I will watch Alec Baldwin in anything. Which explains why I watched "It's Complicated" the other day. What!?! His voice is as velvety as LL Cool J's kangol hat.

4) Tina Fey has finally succeeded in convincing me she is a horrible looking untalented wench. I always liked Tina Fey, I thought she was a brilliant writer for SNL and a comedic genius. But 80% of the show is them telling me she's ugly and useless. I need some new shtick. I got bored of it 4 season ago.

5) No seriously, Tracy Morgan has the best lines on any TV show ever. For example: "I can't read! I sign my name with an X! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent! I think I voted for Nader! NADER!"

They're so good some guy made a website with all of his lines. Every single one of them. Seriously, look.

Here's the point- I miss The Office, Community is the 2nd best show on NBC, 30 Rock fans make me feel weird, and I don't know how to format TV show titles when I write them.

Leave me alone.

And share your thoughts! 10 bucks says you don't.

The End of the Finales

Apparently everyone has stopped trying.

Last night was the season finale of the best night of television: NBC's Thursday night comedy - Community, Parks and Rec, The Office and 30 Rock. Four hilarious shows back-to-back featuring likable characters, entertaining story lines and all the snarky retorts you desire.

Naturally the idea of the season finale offers up a wide range of emotions for me. Excitement for new comedy, sadness for the end of the season, comfort in two hours of comedy gold, and disdain again for the end of the season, then confusion over my absurd range of emotion, followed by surprise at the realization I have actually been taking a hormonal replacement supplement instead of Ibuprofene, then sadness again (probably due to the imbalance of testosterone in my system), then rage and, well, you get the idea.

After I stopped crying and finished rearranging my sock drawer I turned on the shows and settled in for what should have been two hours of comedy magic.

Let's just say 'supremely disappointed' doesn't even begin to describe my feelings.

Here's the thing- a season finale should accomplish at least one of three things. It should either A) answer a ton of questions viewers have about the season while posing a few more setting up the next one (i.e. Lost); B) resolve the action of the season and tie up all the loose ends (i.e. 24); or C) get you right to the cusp of something they've teased you with all season and then throw in a twist that will crush you and then excite you about the next season (i.e. The Office).

The Office has mastered the finale category. They were brilliant at season finales. I would say Lost was just as good at it, but let's be honest- when you can make up anything you want and defy all the laws of logic or reason it isn't that difficult to come up with an exciting cliffhanger.

All four shows, yes, ALL four shows used the same gimmick to end their seasons. Its so formulaic. Continue season as planned, add light comedy, and end with an unexpected twist in a relationship between characters. This has been done successfully with only one couple:

Oops, I mean...THIS couple

Community centered its entire episode around Jeff Winger choosing between two women and then at the end of the show...TWIST! Parks and Rec was finally going to resolve feelings between two characters until....TWIST! The Office, which has been sub-par lately, had a regular episode until they remembered:

Writer 1: "Crap! This is the season finale! We didn't prepare! Um....add something about Jim and Pam at the end."

Writer 2: "But...they're married, they have a baby and they're happy. There's nothing else."

Writer 1: "Fine! Just pick someone people like and put it in after the episode."

Writer 2: "I'm bored and my paycheck is huge. Someone get me a latte."

Then there's 30 Rock, which is usually a good source of non-conformity, but has centered its past 6 episodes around Jack's sorted romances and Liz's inability to meet the right man until....TWIST!

4 for 4! Are you kidding me?! First of all, no one is watching these shows for the relationships. It's comedy first, Dwight second, and the relationships way down near the bottom to give the show credibility and ensure it can last for 8 seasons. Come up with something original!

They even advertised the 'after-the-credits' part of The Office because that's usually when they drop some bomb on you. This season's was so predictable that Michael Scott's reaction wasn't even noteworthy. Such a disappointment.

Do you know the worst part about the whole thing? This morning I see on Twitter and Facebook that the season finale of Grey's Anatomy featured some sort of sniper shooting people in the head! And I missed this!? For the first, and last, time ever I wish I watched Grey's Anatomy instead of NBC's Thursday night line-up. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Bring back the Scranton Strangler for The Office season finale for Pete's sake. Don't toy around with tired old story lines.

I mean, at least make Troy from Community eat a giant cookie, or have Andy Dwyer flip his motorcycle over a car and break his arm, maybe even have Dwight devise a plan to buy the Scranton office or bring in Matt Damon to be a hilarious pilot. Something!!

What's that? All that already happened? Oh. Um...spoiler alert?

I knew I loved these shows for a reason.