Thursday, July 29, 2010

2009 Redskins Not Top 10

In honor of the Redskins training camp starting this week, I thought I'd reflect back on a few of my favorite moments from last season. I know its early, but I'm as excited for football season as Ryan Seacrest is for a mani-pedi.

AJ's Top 10 Favorite Redskins Moments from 2009

1) Pre-season game vs. the Pittsburgh Steelers - After being shut-out the week prior to the Baltimore Ravens, the Skins rebounded and beat the Steelers in a meaningless pre-season game. It makes top moments only because my wife is a Steelers fan and I knew I had to take advantage of this opportunity. The Redskins beating the Steelers will probably only happen once in the next 10 years. Oddly, thats the same number of times Ben Roethlisberger will have consensual relations with a woman.

2) Redskins v. Rams Week 2 - This epic scoring battle was a true testament to what it means to grind it out. A famous gridiron battle that ended in the narrowest of margins, 9-7. When you can't score a touchdown against the worst team in the league, and have to rely on a last minute field goal to clinch victory, you should just end the season there. It's better to call it quits than force people to watch a terrible product, no matter how much money is made. Like when Zach Braff decided to go from doing Scrubs to acting on Broadway.

3) Redskins v. Lions Week 3 - I had my doubts about the longevity of the Redskins season after the previous week's embarrassing performance against the Rams, but (as any Skins fan does) I irrationally clung to the hope of a better tomorrow. The Lions game actually proved to be my greatest sports prediction ever. In the first quarter the Redskins were on the Lions 1 yard line and about to score. I turned to Michele and said, if the Redskins don't score on this play we will lose the game. You know what happened next, Clinton Portis got stuffed for no gain, the Lions drove 99 yards for a touchdown, broke a 19 game losing streak and I burned the Jim Zorn poster hanging above my bed.

4) Redskins v. Saints Week 13 - Speaking of heartbreaking losses, lets not forget the abomination that was the Skins blowing a win over the undefeated Saints at the foot of the ignoramus Shaun Suisham. That was the most painful loss I experienced as a Redskin. Until two weeks later...

5 and 6) Redskins v. Dallas Weeks 11 and 16 - The Skins were dysfunctional last season, but fans always hold out hope that the Dallas rivalry will spark them to greatness. Which is exactly the opposite of what happened. The first game against them at Dallas we lost in the final 2 minutes on their only touchdown on what turned out to be their only scoring drive. Then, when Dallas came to D.C., the Skins were shut-out. 17-0. This is when I lit myself on fire and threw myself at Mike Shanahan's door and convinced him to come to D.C. You can send me your Thank You cards.

7) London Fletcher - One of the best linebackers in the league, finally made it to a Pro-Bowl. No jokes here. Just a lot of respect for a ridiculously hard worker, a great player and a genuine guy.

8) Fat Albert - I always love seeing a $100 million man doing this every Sunday and occasionally on Monday.

9) Orakpo! - The only redeeming factor for Haynesworth being....well...Haynesworthless was the clinic Brian Orakpo put on quarterbacks and offensive lineman this year. He Orakpwned them! (I'm sticking with terrible puns even if they are gut-wrenchingly bad. It's like Colin Farrell choosing movie roles.)

10) Jim Zorn - Probably my favorite moment of the season came after the final game at San Diego. As soon as the plane touched down and before anybody could take a pee break, Jim Zorn got canned. It was the quickest turnaround on a decision since I went from "Two tickets for Knight and Day, please" to "SOMEONE SCRATCH MY EYEBALLS OUT IMMEDIATELY!!!"

What other moments did you love to hate? I'm looking forward to another season full of blunders and blown opportunities!

Hail to the Redskins!!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Adventures in the Major League

As you know from this and also this, I'm not the world's biggest fan of baseball. However, in order to refrain from taking the title of World's Most Ignorant Bigot away from Mel Gibson, I keep an open mind to attending baseball games when the opportunity arrives.

For instance, last month a group of young adults from my church planned to attend a Washington National's baseball game. In true AJ fashion, I told them I had a wedding to attend and could not make it.

Unfortunately, my wife reminded me that I did, in fact, have a wedding to go to. Darn people getting married.

My wife and I ventured up to the great state of Maryland in order to attend (please replace 'great' with 'ravenous' and 'state' with 'pit hole'). The bright side for me, at least, was knowing I would not have to attend the baseball game. That was, of course, until I arrived at my sister-in-law's house and found out they had tickets to the Baltimore Orioles game that night.

Knowing my wife, the only way she'd go to a baseball game is if it was free or if the Minnesota Twins were playing. I was confident in the statistical advantage I had that the opposing team was not the Twins.

You can guess what happened. Orioles v. Twins.

Yet, I'm an optimist so I figured this would give me a great chance to watch a game from good seats and try to see the value in baseball. And I'll tell you what. I discovered a few things about baseball, and I learned a little something about myself in the process (mostly that if I sit in 110 degree heat long enough I can sweat straight through a shirt).

Here are seven observations from the game:

1) I know the Orioles are a terrible baseball team, but I was impressed by the number of fans that showed up for the game. Granted, it was a Saturday night game against a baseball team identified by its state and named for its cities (something you don't find anywhere else in sports). However, Camden Yards is a great stadium and it was good to see it with a large crowd until I realized....

2) Over half the fans were there for the Twins. I'm not exaggerating. When Luke Scott hit a 2 run homer to put the O's up by one I jumped from my seat to cheer on the home team. I looked around to see my fellow fans and felt like Tiger Woods at a "Husband of the Year" award ceremony. Out. Of. Place.

3) When its 110 degrees and its 7:00pm, you had BETTER give away free cups of ice. Which they did. point for the city of Baltimore.

Quick score recap-
AJ: 6
Baltimore: -2,319

4) I'd say I'm a Nationals fan before I'd say I'm an Orioles fan. But the O's have a guy on their team named Felix Pie. That's almost enough to make me convert. All I can think about is an animated black cat with large eyes pulling a delicious pie out of a bag.

5) Speaking of Felix Pie, he was able to stretch his first at-bat, a line-drive that skirted past the outfielder, into a double. It was impressive. Until play stopped, and the first base coach ran over and collected Pie's belongings. Batting gloves, shin guards, wallet, cell phone, chapstick, earrings. How is that allowed to happen?? Imagine Rajon Rondo stealing the ball and running a fast break, getting ahead of the defense then stopping at the free throw line to take off the sweat bands he wears on his fingers and pass them to the assistant coach before resuming play and shooting a jumper. Baseball is so weird. If you can't run 90 feet in it, don't wear it to bat.

6) I appreciated the college kids sitting in the row behind me. They proved to me baseball is a sport for grandparents only. It was a group of friends who came to the game and were clearly Orioles' fans. I could tell because they referred to Miguel Tejada as "Miggy", which means they have a close personal relationship with him. Throughout the entire game they were discussing their fantasy BASKETBALL league for next year. It's July. It couldn't be further away from basketball season right now. They won't even talk baseball at a baseball game.

7) The most redeeming factor of the entire baseball experience is the beer callers. They are most fascinating individuals ever. They're basically homeless people with jobs. Raggedy looking folks, who shout incomprehensible noises at you while trying to get your money. I'm almost positive they teach beer callers that the longer you make fun of a patron, the more beer they'll buy. They just shout at people until they buy beer. It's like being a senior member in a fraternity.

I will say this, the baseball highlights that I'm forced to watch every morning on ESPN do seem much more impressive after you go to a game and you realize these are real, live, unathletic white guys making diving catches and turning double plays. As an unathletic white guy, I can appreciate that.

And in case you think I'm just ragging on baseball again, I present my full argument:

The defense would rest, but I got plenty of sleep at the Orioles game.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Sports Center

As surely as people who say they understood Inception are lying, Sports Center in July is slow, boring and repetitive. It's like watching a Matthew McConaughey romantic comedy:

"I'm just a super relaxed dude who doesn't want to settle down."
"Well, alright alright, look at this pretty girl. She might just tame this free bird."
"I'm going to take my shirt off and do something romantic that doesn't go as planned but turns out super cute anyway."
"Girls want to be with me, and guys want to break my femur."

And to prove that Sports Center is largely a waste of time in July, I'll give you the programming formula used to write every episode this month.

The Lead-
Today's top story is the latest scandal in sports. Choose between a player being arrested for something, Brett Favre saying something to anybody, or college sports being ruined by players getting paid by agents. Just show anything that isn't a baseball highlight to trick viewers into committing to the show.

The highlight reels in July do not vary from day-to-day as one might suspect. In some form or another you will see this:

-One baseball team shutout another baseball team. Anchor will comment something about getting the pitcher in fantasy baseball. (Side note, can we agree that fantasy baseball players are the Dungeon and Dragon kids of sports? Don't get me wrong, fantasy football players are the comic book nerds. But fantasy baseball? You're just trying to get beat up.)

-The next baseball game goes into extra innings and one of the players drove in a winning run and was the hero. (I think that if a baseball game goes into extra innings all the fans should be reimbursed for their tickets, food and beverages. They didn't pay to watch 11 innings! They should not be forced to watch a game for 4 hours! It's inhumane.)

-The rest of the baseball highlights can be summed up as followed: someone made a diving catch, there was a double play, a home run was hit, a manager got thrown out cause he was bored, a third baseman threw the ball to first for an out. I changed the channel. And the final score was 2-1 (yet, baseball fans complain about soccer being low scoring).

-Speaking of soccer! We'll show clips from two modest, unknown soccer teams because there is a chance you're into soccer still as the World Cup was this year. ("Yea, but that was over a month ago". False. Less than two weeks. Americans just tuned out June 26th after Ghana embarrassed us.)

Top Stories-
Onto things that aren't highlights, but will fill some time before the Top Plays.

-Brett Favre announced today that he is feeling old, but he loves football. Then he smiled and winked at reporters, who then gushed and laughed at his jokes. 5 minutes were spent covering this. No news was reported.

-An NBA player announced they wanted a trade. Other versions of this include A) A retired player decided he wants to play for the Heat so he can win a title, B) we remind you that LeBron, Wade and Bosh are, indeed, playing for the Heat, or C) we show clips of a retired Hall-of-Famer saying they'd never do what LeBron did (Mostly cause they didn't think of it first)

Top Plays-
10) Remember that diving catch we showed earlier? HERE IT IS AGAIN!
9) *Anchor calls this one niner instead of nine to be funny* Surprise! It's a clip of something that isn't a sport! Something like snail racing, mud pit belly flopping, or turd chucking. Just. Great. Television. (No, seriously. This is my favorite part of the episode.)
8) Check out this sweet double play!
7) Look at this outfielder make this sliding catch! It's not a diving catch so we ranked it higher.
6) Remember that game that was a shutout? Here are some of the pitches!
5) Wanna see ANOTHER diving catch?! We don't care. Just watch it.
4) Here are some shots of the a European crowd doing weird stuff in the stands. It's not a "play" necessarily, but it makes the Top 10.
3) ESPN does too love soccer! Here's the goal we showed you from the highlight package earlier!
2) Annnnnnd, boom goes the dynamite! The #2 play is the game winning run from earlier. Did we mention it was a sac-fly?
1) Boo ya! A clip from summer league basketball, a high school game, or CFL football. Sports people care about.

Then the show repeats.

So, if you ever miss an episode of Sports Center this summer just come back here and get your fill of the recap! I promise you the results will never change. Like when an athlete goes to a strip club, someone is getting shot.

What'd I miss?

Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Office Crisis

Perhaps it's just another slow day work, or maybe its the constant chatter of my officemates debating which bachelor is right for Ali that drove me to blog today. Ultimately, however, my mom said to write something that isn't about sports. And since I don't want to lose my only reader, I'm going to oblige.

There are two things on my mind currently- the first is the impending Office crisis (not the one about who stunk up your cubicle) and the second is why is it possible for fruit to be 'over-ripe'? I thought ripe was good?

You might have heard that Steve Carell is leaving The Office after this season. If you haven't, then I think this qualifies as the first story I've ever broken. Call the newspapers! the online news sources! Nominate me for a medal! This is my greatest achievement since sitting through an entire Disney sports movie without crying!

What? I'm in touch with my emotions. Get off it.

Anyway, I love The Office. Its the best show on television that is entering its final season before inevitable collapse. A few months ago I wrote about the comparisons of the U.K. Office and the U.S. Office seen here if you're bored (and yes, I used that sentence so I could link to an archived blog Bill Simmons style). The two shows are so different and we've seen that through the long time success of our version and its impact on American television programming.

My problem is I wish there was a reason to hate Steve Carell for leaving. He's not breaking contract or selling out, just moving on to bigger things. Plus, he's probably doing the smart thing by getting out after season 7. Most shows go downhill after 5 seasons because there just aren't that many fresh story lines that are believable. I've read that this season Holly comes back for 8 episodes and Dwight might just succeed in buying the office building, so there's plenty of material. But after that without Michael? I just don't know. It's gonna be like Cleveland after LeBron left....except I won't burn my seasons of The Office on DVD because I don't waste money trying to act self-righteous.

And....that's about enough with the factually relevant and sensible discussion. Onto absurd conclusions and hate mongering.

Here are 5 things I think about the 3rd best show NBC on Thursday nights, 30 Rock:

1) Die-hard fans of 30 Rock suck. They're as irrational as doggy hotels. If dogs wanted to stay in tiny hotels they would have built them in the wild out of kibbles and bits.....of dead rabbits. I haven't found one person who can discuss 30 Rock without calling me a noob or something. Why can't you just like your show the best and I can like my show the best? I still watch 30 Rock. I just don't also re-watch it on Hulu the next day and then send Youtube clips to my friends at work then berate anyone who dares to say that any show in the history of television is better than it. Settle down people.

(I wanted to post a screen shot of the "Leave Brittany Alone" guy and caption it with "LEAVE 30 ROCK ALONE!" but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I can't live knowing his picture is somewhere on my blog. Instead, here's a picture of a Charmin bear playing football with toilet paper on its butt. Because bears use toilet paper.)

2) You don't even have to write lines for Tracy Morgan. Every word that comes out of his mouth is fraught with nonsensical hilarity. He's the Ron Artest of TV....minus the violent streak.

3) I will watch Alec Baldwin in anything. Which explains why I watched "It's Complicated" the other day. What!?! His voice is as velvety as LL Cool J's kangol hat.

4) Tina Fey has finally succeeded in convincing me she is a horrible looking untalented wench. I always liked Tina Fey, I thought she was a brilliant writer for SNL and a comedic genius. But 80% of the show is them telling me she's ugly and useless. I need some new shtick. I got bored of it 4 season ago.

5) No seriously, Tracy Morgan has the best lines on any TV show ever. For example: "I can't read! I sign my name with an X! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent! I think I voted for Nader! NADER!"

They're so good some guy made a website with all of his lines. Every single one of them. Seriously, look.

Here's the point- I miss The Office, Community is the 2nd best show on NBC, 30 Rock fans make me feel weird, and I don't know how to format TV show titles when I write them.

Leave me alone.

And share your thoughts! 10 bucks says you don't.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Defending the King

I can't take credit for the nickname, but I am a huge fan of the "Miami Thrice". I assume this is what we'll be calling the pairing of LeBron James, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh in Miami next season. You gotta admit, its better than "The Big Three".

Give me 5 minutes of your time to try and dispel some myths about LeBron James and I promise you can go back to hating him if you remain unconvinced.

Myth #1- "He's a giant egomaniac and he's all about himself. He's selfish and is the epitome of evil."

You have to understand two things to grasp my point here. First, this guy was made out to be the "Chosen One" of basketball from the time he was 18 years old, and nobody told him otherwise. Second, you have to actually watch basketball to make a claim like this.

You know who Ari Emmanuel is? He's the agent that Ari Gold is based on, you know, Jeremy Piven in Entourage. OK, well Ari Emmanuel was the mastermind behind the 1 hour special about LeBron's "Decision". Look here. So don't blame LeBron, he was capitalizing on an opportunity to build his brand and give to charity. I'm sick and tired of hearing members of the media and public claim they wished he would just release a statement where he was going like everyone else.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? What would everyone be talking about or reporting on if he did that? Any serious sport's fan was eating up the fact that LeBron was going to feature himself on a show that announced his decision, whether they liked it or not. The tension was palpable, the decision was eminent, it's a huge deal in the basketball world.

And if LeBron was so self-righteous he would have laid out hats from all 6 teams he considered, and removed them one by one throughout the night until he was down to just two. Cleveland and Miami. Then he'd pick up the Cleveland hat, look at it, and say, "Cleveland has given me so much, its always been my home and it is very dear to my heart." Then he'd set it down, pick up the Miami one and as he put it on say, "But, Bievenidos a Miami El LeBron-o!!! I'm going to South Beach!!!!"

All he did was calmly say he's going to Miami because he wants to win titles.

I know what you're gonna say next, "Oh, but lame blogger man, he calls himself "The King". Jordan never called himself "His Airness". This proves LeBron is a self-centered jagaloon."

I suppose you can make this point, but if people at work wanna call me "The Emperor" all day I won't tell them to stop. And I bet you wouldn't either, no matter how self-righteous you might be.

The second part of this requires you to watch LeBron on the court. You can see he's great friends with his teammates, you can just tell from watching. He pals around with them, hangs out with them, and doesn't isolate himself from them. More importantly, he averaged almost 9 assists per game last year. 9 ASSISTS! The guy is a forward! Those are point guard numbers. Look if he wanted to score 40-50 points every night, trust me, he could. He was on the Cavs...who else could score on that team without LeBron drawing defenders away? I suppose we'll find out next season when they're at the bottom of their division.

By the way, Wade, Bosh and James are all taking LESS than the max contracts they can get by playing together. This isn't about money. It's about titles.

Myth #2- "LeBron showed extreme disloyalty by leaving Cleveland, his hometown."

I don't buy this for one second. In fact, I think Cleveland showed extreme disloyalty by surrounding the most gifted player in the NBA with Mo Williams, Anderson Varejo, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, a 60 year old Shaq and expecting him to stay and win titles. You're right. It's LeBron's fault he wants to go to a team that has proven it'll surround him with talent so he can win instead of stay and play in the garbage dump.

Cleveland, I know your city has the worst luck in sports, and I empathize with you. But jimminy crickets! You're acting like you're being forced to watch a J-Lo movie! Stand strong! Be proud! least you had a superstar for 7 years. The last superstar in Washington Webber??? (If you wanna say Gilbert Arenas you're just making my point stronger). So be thankful. It shows you how selfish those "HOME" signs were, the minute he leaves you're burning his jersey instead of thanking him for not demanding a trade the day after he was drafted.

Myth #3- "This just proves LeBron isn't great cause he has to pair up with Wade and Bosh to win a title."

I hate this one the most. Did Jordan win every title with Scottie Pippen? A top 50 greatest all-time NBA player? Did Kobe win three in a row with Shaq? Did he win his last two with Pau Gasol? Did Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen and Rajon Rondo all win their first title with each other? Did Tim Duncan have Tony Parker and Manu Ginobli? Did Dwayne Wade have Shaq? Did Magic Johnson have Kareem Abdul Jabar and James Worthy?

People who say this need to shut their mouths when they talk to me. They look stupid. No one can win a title by themselves. LeBron even said this last night- "You become a superstar individually, but you become a champion as a team."

The man just wants to win. God forbid he tries to do that.

Myth #4- "Michael Jordan never would have left the Bulls to win titles elsewhere. He's a noble knight upon his snow colored steed."

Duh. MJ never would have left Chicago for another team to win titles. Then again, he was being coached by Phil Jackson (top 3 greatest NBA coaches of all-time). And let's not forget that MJ was a stone-cold killer too. LeBron lacks the killer instinct MJ and Kobe have. He just does. He's more physically gifted than both of them (Don't even begin to argue this. LeBron is twice the size and twice as athletic). MJ and Kobe, however, have proven to be better basketball players and better winners.

I won't compare LeBron to MJ just like I won't compare Kobe to MJ. You can't. MJ is the greatest of all time. He did things in basketball that should have never happened, and he will always be the greatest. Kobe might be the hardest working player ever. He's changed his game the last few years to keep his team in contention for titles, and he's playing hurt every season. But LeBron is LeBron, and we've never seen anything like him since Dr. J. We need to stop comparing him to Michael all the time.

Oh and a side note for you, LeBron is 25 and finished his 7th year in the NBA without a title and people boast of Jordan's dominance as a young player. You know when Jordan won his first title? In his 7th year when he was 27. Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves.

Here's the point:

LeBron may not be the greatest of all time....yet. But he is a great player. He was stuck on a terrible team that never gave him the help he needed, never gave him a coach that utilized him properly (and no, going 1-on-5 in the playoffs is not properly), and they didn't put him in the best situation to win. They just hoped he'd carry them all the way with no help. Naturally, LeBron bolted to a situation where he can thrive and win titles with two of his friends.

I mean, this sounds like something I'd do if I were in the NBA. Would I want to play for the Washington Wizards just cause I'm from there? Sure, if I could and if I could win titles while I was there. But if you tell me I can go play in Florida with my two buddies and run the NBA for the next 8 years winning as many titles as we want...I'm outta here. Sorry D.C.

You play sports professionally to win. And if you can crumble a city overnight while you're at it you might as well.

Dwayne Wade for MVP. He's the mastermind behind this.

What's your reaction?

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

How I Touched Tiger (not like that)

You know its going to be a great day when you start it off using your wife's deodorant. You can safely assume the day can only get better. I had no idea, however, just how great this day would turn out.

On July 3rd, me and my college roommates (we'll call them TJ and Noord to hide their identities), ventured up to Newton Square, Pennsylvania for Tiger Wood's AT&T National Golf Tournament. We decided this would be a good idea for a few reasons 1) We were sure Tiger would be there as he's hosting the tournament, 2) The tickets were free which means I'm always in. Heck, I'd attend the premier of a Drew Barrymore movie if you told me it was free, and 3) I jump at any chance to see grown men worth millions wearing plaid pants, visors and bleach blonde hair. It's the same reason I tried to go to N*Sync's reunion tour this year (only Lance showed up).

This was the first golf tournament that I attended (read: this was the first golf tournament that had free entry for me), so I was excited about the experience and chance to see the golfers up close and personal. Plus, I had my two trusty guides to tell me what was appropriate to yell after a shot. *Note: when Tiger yells "No, TIGER!" after an errant tee shot "That's what she said" is NOT appropriate.

My guides, TJ and Noord, had a very specific plan laid out for us. We arrive at the course at 9:00am, Tiger tees off at 9:02am. I figure, "This is great! We'll arrive right as he's at the first tee then we'll be able to see him all day and he'll write us each checks for $50,000 for being great fans!"

I failed to realize, however, that this same thought was going through the heads of at least 4,000 other individuals there that morning. So you know what we did? Headed straight to the 7th tee box. That's right. Tiger was on the first hole, and we had to go to the 7th hole in order to get a good seat to see him. He's mildly popular.

Fortunately for us, PGA Tour photographers decided that the first picture they would put in their online gallery on the PGA website would be of Tiger teeing off....from the 7th tee. I knew I could trust TJ and Noord! The picture of Tiger is classic, see his focus? See TJ making kissy faces at him? See me staring at his butt? See Noord's head? Oh, you can't? It's the thing that looks like Tiger's chest. Sorry Noord!

After we watched Tiger and his squadron of minions on the 7th, we retreated back the first hole to watch a bunch of golfer's you've never heard of tee off. We'll use this break in the action to describe some of the weirdos that attend golf tournaments.

1. First you have these three idiots. I'm probably not the one on my phone bidding on things on eBay. Probably.

2. Seeing as it was July 3rd, some old man thought it fitting to wear an American flag patterned bandanna, shirt, pants, and All-Star Chuck Taylor Converse's. It's a shame he couldn't bring his barrel of moonshine or his wife-sister in with him.

3. An odd amount of skinny jeans were found on this farmer's tan-inducingly hot day. Which was unsettling, but not as much as...

4. Guy's who dress like Tiger on Sunday. We all know Tiger wears red on Sunday so he can shoot a low score. However, it was Saturday. And middle-aged men wearing black shorts, a red polo, a black hat and golf shoes are unacceptable. Unless you want me to throw the rest of my mint juleps at you.

5. This, however, is preferred over the guy with Don King hair and a big fat cigar loitering around the first tee looking like Sweden's version of a Jersey Shore dad. Of course I took a picture, but my smuggled in cell phone could only get him from behind.

We were sufficiently creeped out by the fans that we decided to go back and find the Mocha Cub, aka Tiger.

In another fortuitous moment, we were walking down the 18th as the group in front of Tiger was approaching. We held our position under a large tree that guarded the right side of the fairway and waited for El Tigre. We waited.

And waited. And waited. We're not sure what took so long between the groups. My guess is Tiger was writing the check to Elin and got stuck on all the zeros.

All of a sudden a ball ripped through the branches of the tree next to us and landed in the rough of the hole adjacent to the 18th. We had a choice to make, and we had to make it fast. Do we run over to this ball gambling that it's Tiger? Or do we hold our ground and see who hit it first?

To us there was no choice, you never pass up an opportunity to stand next to the greatest golfer of all time as he hits a recovery shot around a tree onto the green. We raced over to the ball, and waited. The 4,000 others ran over with us.

So there we are, jammed up, around this golf ball that we are all guessing is Tiger's. We wait anxiously. After 2 minutes of staring at the ball I figure maybe I should look for the golfer who hit it. That's when I turned around to see the Legend himself walking straight towards me, through the crowd.

Naturally the over excited crowd was yelling things like, "EYY Tiger!!!" and "Get in the hole!" and "Touch my face!!" (That last one was me).

We part the crowd where we stand and I physically move TJ who is frozen solid as the Mocha Cub strides towards his location. I wiped up the pee puddle TJ had left on the ground, parted the crowd and watched as Tiger walked 2 feet in front of me. That's when things began to happen.

Two middle aged women, giggling excitedly watching Tiger walk towards them. Tiger laughing at the idiot yelling "Get in the hole!", and smiling at the two ladies who are brimming with enthusiasm. I can only assume Tiger was mildly flattered because he put his hands up to give these two ladies a high five as he walked by. Naturally, I took this opportunity to put my hand in front of their's and take a high five for myself.


I felt the power surge through my body. My skin was tingling, my body temperature rose, I couldn't control my movements. It was incredible. In one swift movement I was able to contract an STD from the greatest golfer in the world just by touching his hand! I couldn't be happier.

And no. I'm not sharing it with you.

Don't believe me? Well, I clearly could not pass up the opportunity here as Tiger stood a few feet from me and sized up his shot. I slid the phone from my pocket, held it waist high, and snapped a photo of the Adulterer. Epic.

And, in case you still doubt me. I'll zoom it in.

The dude has REALLY skinny legs. It's weird. Noord thinks he's not juicing anymore because of all the attention. I think he doesn't have legs because he's a cyborg and wears pants all the time so they never bothered making legs for him.

Anyway, the shot was classic Tiger. Played it low, under the tree and around the corner, a few yards short of the green. Par for the hole.

Only Tiger.

Side note, I did stop by my local clinic on the way home. I checked out OK. I really dodged a bullet there....

More Tournament observations coming up later this week!!!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Misplaced Hatred

I'm not going to apologize for this. It needs to be said. Guys need to quit hating on the Twilight series. Now, I know what you're thinking, "Oh, I didn't realize AJ came out of the closet yet. Good for him."

But take a second and read that again, I didn't say guys need to watch/read/love/enjoy/dream about the Twilight series. They just need to quit hating.

As "Quarter Crescent" (or whatever moon cycle is reflected in the title of the most recent movie), was released this week my Facebook and Twitter accounts exploded with two types of posts:

Girls: OMG! Can't wait to see my hubby Edward (or Jacob) tonight! Eclipse is going to be (or was) amazing!!!!
Guys: Ugh. You guys know vampires don't exist right? And werewolves are so lame.

I know guys feel left out when all the women lustily gaze at a pale faced Brit and a mocha skinned 15 year old, but get over it. Or at least come up with a good reason to hate it.

Vampires don't exist? Neither do Jedis, Terminators, or the Moonraker gun. Werewolves are lame? Last time I checked werewolves are giant dogs who rip peoples faces off. What's lame about that? Am I missing something?

Perhaps you don't want to 'buy into the hype' of something so 'mainstream'. Whatever, you sicken me. Why don't you try stop wasting time 'not being mainstream' and start getting a job and contributing to society. (No, I'm not bitter).

Or perhaps you're just too cool to watch anything Sci-Fi. You love taking nature walks and eating granola, or you obsess over sports teams and watch the news. Regardless, you've created a world in which you can escape from reality and indulge in your guilty pleasure. Which is fine, even if you prefer watching Strasburg lose games cause he gets no run support from his team over Professor X and Magneto debating the ethics of mutant existence.

I think guys are upset girls finally have a geeky fantasy world to escape to. It was cool to be a Star Wars nerd or into super hero movies (Lord knows I qualify for both of those). Now, however, our wives/girlfriends/girl-friends can geek out into a Sci-Fi world of their own. Just like when we wished we could train to be a Jedi on Endor, girls these days want to escape to chase werewolves in.....Seattle? Whatever, I never said I fully understood them.

Let me be clear here. I don't particularly like the Twilight series (notice there are no Twilight pictures in this post). My wife does, as do 98% of the females I know. I watched the first two movies, they were fine. They had good moments and bad, just like every movie that isn't the Princess Bride. I just don't understand the incessant hatred from guys who love Blade, but think vampires are gay.

And while I'm on the topic of imaginary things, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows just released the trailer (Seen here) for the first installment of the final two movies. I got all excited inside. Let me guess....Harry Potter is lame too? HE CARRIES A STICK THAT WILL TAZE YOU!! I don't see you tazing me with a tree branch.

Look, if your girlfriend needs to get lost in the story of Edward, Jacob and Bella so she can take a break from everyday life, so be it. You don't have to be a hater.

Let's not forget that at the end of the first movie a guy gets ripped limb from limb and has the pieces of his body burned. C'mon, Braveheart wouldn't even be that cruel.

So I'll kindly ask you to keep your opinions to yourself and allow me to vocalize mine loudest until you agree with me.


Also, don't keep your opinions to yourself. I want to hear them.