Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Week 3 Power Rankings: Happy Birthday Jackson!

Today we welcome into the world Jackson Kenneth May. Born this day under the watchful eye of his father Ricky, as he fervently tweeted his fantasy league the details about what was happening in the delivery room.

Not really, but that’d be gross wouldn’t it?!

Jackson, as you enter this world, I feel it is my responsibility to impart a few words of wisdom to you about your father. If you know these things, you’ll live a long, happy, well-adjusted life.

Lesson #1: Don’t be surprised when Dad tries to trade you his broccoli for your chicken nuggets. He’ll try to justify it saying the broccoli has high upside, and is really going to come on strong after the meal. He’ll say the chicken nuggets are an injury concern and who can rely on their ketchup? When you turn him down be prepared for the final assault. He’ll offer you broccoli, peas and some weird Eastern European dessert just for your nuggets. Don’t buy it! Even if it looks like a good deal, there’s no WAY you’re eating all that food without leaving something uneaten on waivers your plate that he will sweep in and take for free.

Lesson #2: Don’t give your dad your email, phone number, Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, Friendster, or any other account information until you absolutely have to. That is, unless you want to hear about this Nuggets for Broccoli trade six times a day for a week straight.

Lesson #3: Don’t just be a starter, be a finisher. We all know Ricky wins (seemingly) every regular season game only to flame out in the playoffs. Honestly, it’s a miracle he could conceive you. I don’t doubt his ability to get things going…but, as a closer…well, it’s not his strong suit.  Be a finisher in life.

Lesson #4: Rush SigEp. It’ll help you achieve lesson #3.

Lesson #5: You have a great dad, and an even better mom. You’re a lucky kid being born into a great family and we are all so happy to welcome you into this world. In 15 years we’ll be happy to make you the 10th team in the Ducal Crown League of Champions.

Bonus Lesson #6: Don’t trust your “uncle” Ralph. He’s not your uncle and he’ll probably ask you when bath time is a lot.

Time for the Week 3 Power Rankings! Murder! Intrigue! Shake ups galore! Now with the added fun of not telling you who provided the quote so you can go on a witch hunt on Twitter immediately following the blog posting! That's what I call value added!

10.  Sam Persons (Touchdown Jesus)
Last Week: 9
Change: -1
First Place Votes: 0
Fun Fact: Not Noord.

Or as Creasy would say, “Sam, at least he isn’t Noord.” From there, the comments are all downhill. Centered on him trading away his top 2 players for Phillip Rivers (who has largely, and disappointingly, underperformed all year) and Anquan Boldin, the rest of the league chimes in:

If we let him have an extra player he still wouldn't win games. Starting to think he felt sorry for Moose and let him run the team.
Like trying to decide if the Wizards or the Orioles are the better team.”
Best and Hightower scare me more than going through [a Newport News] drive-thru with Noord. They will be less offensive but probably equally as dangerous.”

9. Matt Noordhoff (O Rak^3 Po)
Last Week: 10
Change: +1
First Place Votes: 0
Fun Fact: In College, bald by choice. In life, bald by genetics (Probably).

As we’ve all been made painfully aware, Noord won his first game this week against Sam despite starting Deion Branch who scored zero points. Once again, proving Noord’s ineptitude knows no bounds.

In seriousness, Noord made a big trade last night with Gunst giving up Ryan Fitzpatrick and Malcolm Floyd for Greg Jennings and Joe Flacco. Love Noord acquiring Jennings which will give him a WR core of Jennings, Mike Wallace and Mario Manningham (who I still think is going to come on strong). Credit to Noord for following the same method as another Fantasy Football genius (me) stacking up on WRs in a PPR league and saying, “Running Backs?? What running backs?!?”

8. Bryan Gunst (WheelsGoNonStop)
Last Week: 7
Change: -1
First Place Votes: 0
Fun Fact: Loves push ups.

“This man is stock piling starting RBs. If any of them start playing to their potential you have to respect his team. However, his naivety about his QB situation rivals Tom Livengood’s claims that he graduated from college. For goodness sakes just trade me Beanie Wells for Kevin Kolb.” - Austin

That about says it all. Trading for Fitzpatrick gives him a legit starter, although weakens his WR core. Arian Foster coming back this week means this is either the calm before the storm, or the calm before a depressing fall from mediocrity to irrelevance.

7. Jimmy Hostetler (B-Button Spin Move)
Last Week: 6
Change: -1
First Place Votes: 0
Fun Fact: His team is the new Wrecking Crew.

Last week I played Jimmy and my starting RBs (Jamaal Charles and Felix Jones) were both hurt and left the game. Charles is out for the season. This week, Perry played Jimmy and lost Kenny Britt for the season. Either Jimmy is a voodoo practicing witch doctor, or he’s Fantasy owner with “good players on a bad team.” Although in this case, the “bad team” they’re referring to might be Jimmys.

Weakest. Zing. Ever.

Speaking of zings, someone submitted a comment for Jimmy’s team comparing his team’s failure to “blow up” to a girl we knew in college who got fat. So yes, our league does consist of single, or soon to be single, guys.

6. AJ McGraw (deSPEcable me)
Last Week: 8
Change: +2
First Place Votes: 0
Fun Fact: Still shaking his head from the previous comment.

Winning cures all woes. Well it cures a few. I beat TJB this week by 6 points, and probably should have lost. I wonder, though, if I had lost and went to 0-3 would I have been ranked 9th overall? Shows you how valuable winning is (see Austin's team later for more).

Fun numbers from my matchup with TJB (only in-depth analysis for my team cause I’m selfish):

AJ’s Team
TJB’s Team
Matt Stafford (QB)
29 points
Tom Brady (QB)
33 points
Calvin Johnson (WR)
26 points
Ryan Matthews (RB)
28 points
Darren Sproles (RB)
17 points
Ray Rice (RB)
18 points
Owen Daniels (TE)
16 points
Fred Davis (TE)
2 points

Sometimes I’m thankful for Rex Grossman’s ineptitude.

Now for my favorite quote from Neil who seems to be fed up with the harassment, “[AJ] got [his] first win, [and] could get on a roll quickly with WR's and Stafford…or could suck and die.”

Love that guy.

5. TJ Buerle (Trail of Tears)
Last Week: 4
Change: -1
First Place Votes: 0
Fun Fact: Not pleased with Fred Davis. Self-proclaimed “smartest retard”.

Gonna steal/edit a comment from Austin: 'TJB gets the award for “Most Thuggish Receiving Core”. Steve Smith, Brandon Marshall and Santonio Holmes have all faced suspensions for poor off-field behavior. Collectively, however, they catch more [poop] from their baby mommas than TDs. However, having Tom Brady on his march to throw for a bajillion yards may catapult him to the playoffs.'

TJB keeps putting up big scores (3rd in the league in Points For), but has had unlucky matchups. Been there bro, been there. I ended up winning the league after a season like that…then again, I’m a competent fantasy owner.

4. Neil Morrissette (Team Ralph)
Last Week: 2
Change: -2
First Place Votes: 0
Fun Fact: Future gambling degenerate…and proud of it!

Common theme in the comments was, “When Vick is hurt he’s finished!” People fail to realize he has two elite WRs (Fitzy/Roddy), a sick RB (McCoy), the best PPR TE (Witten), ANOTHER top 3 TE (Gronkowski), and Michael Vick. With Vick scoring only 8 points this week Neil still netted 132 total. His team has depth on the starting lineup but a gaping hole at RB2 (smart, or lucky, call starting Jacobs this week).

People may forget that last year Neil was the clear favorite to win halfway through the season with Vick, McCoy, Peterson, and whomever else on his team. He had a down week in the playoffs against Noord and was out of it just like that. As much as it pains me to admit, if his WRs, TEs, and McCoy stay healthy, he’s going to be a force in this league.

He just called his bookie and laid a dime on himself (-250).

3. Austin Perry (Pledge Prez Perry)
Last Week: 5
Change: +2
First Place Votes: 0
Fun Fact: “Aaron Rogers is too sexy”- Bryan Gunst

It’s true, he is.

Teams Perry has faced this year have averaged an absurdly low 104 points per game (thanks to Neil for the stat). He beat me Week 1 with RBs totaling 5 points. He beat Sam last week (its Sam so…you know), and he beat Jimmy this week who put up a dismal 100 points. Give him TJBs schedule and he’s 0-3. Interesting how fickle Fantasy Football is. In his own words, “I believe Matthew Berry ranked the Ducal Crown strength of schedule for each team and gave me a score of ‘Paris Hilton easy’”. 

Hopefully she doesn’t read my blog.

Personal Soap Box: Remember how I said Austin always kills me in the rankings? I have statistical evidence now! (I'm not a self-absorbed nerd). On average, Perry ranks me two position ranks below the average. Pre-season? I was consensus number 1, and Perry ranked me 4. Week 1? Average rank 5, Perry ranked me 7.  This week? Average rank was 5, Perry ranked me 8, and now I'm 6th overall!

No. I’m not taking it personally. You whore.

2. Eric Creasman (God.Bless.Day.Beers)
Last Week: 3
Change: +1
First Place Votes: 2
Fun Fact: He’s got a pretty girl in his life and is smiling more than usual these days.

I think the league says it best:

His team is stacked. Welker is a PPR demi-god and when Miles Austin comes back, he’s got #1s all over his team.  If Mendy produces even a little bit, Creasy’s team, IMO, is the team to beat and best on paper.”
“Elite QB, great WRs, great RBs, only see good things.”
Eric Is a TE away from having the best starting line-up in our league. He will go as far as Wes Welker’s stubby legs can take him.” (Personal favorite)
Can Brees and Welker stay consistent with those totals? I dont know, but Mendenhall clearly loves Day Beers. He and Frank Gore must be playing quarters before their games this year.”

All this for the guy who finished in last place last year, had two of the worst keepers (BJGE and Austin Collie) and was ranked as the 7th best team in pre-season.

Then again, not everyone was thrilled with Creasman:

[Eff] this kids couch. [He] received 62% of production from 2 guys, and only 3 players besides kicker scored over 8 fantasy points...good luck with that over a full year #hateful”

1.  Ricky May (We Had a Baby Boy today!)
Last Week: 1
Change: 0
First Place Votes: 6* (only 8 members submitted rankings so cumulatively, this does not equal 10)
Fun Fact: Only team to stay in the same ranking position this week. Something about a baby.

It’s a stark realization when one of the guys in your fantasy league has a child. You immediately remember you’re not 21 and in college anymore. Sigh. Thanks for reminding us of our mortality, Rick!

Yet again, the league has all the material:

Until Fred Jackson slows down this team is too stacked to not be about to pop.”
Can't knock the hustle... Bastard”
"Matt Ryan for your best player." (The trade we've all heard)

We’re even trying to talk ourselves into beating him:

“His team is good, bound to have a bad week eventually. Right?” ….Right?? RIGHT?!?!?!
“Really wish someone would challenge him one week, too bad it won't be this week.” (NOTE: Ricky plays me this week…so thanks for that Neil.)

Probably the most astute observation:

“For another year, Ricky’s trading bonanza has vaulted him to #1 in the league. Only 3 of his current position player starters began the year on his team. When will we learn to stop giving him first place? has traded away anemic receivers like Santana Moss, Pierre Garcon, and Brandon Lloyd in deals that netted him Fred Jackson, Andre Johnson, and Dez Bryant. Only losing two starters, QB (Phil Riv) and 1 of his 2 quality TEs (Jermichael Finley).” -Austin

To be fair, I haven’t made a trade with him yet.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Week 3 Power Rankings: I'm Sighing

A lot of people ask me, they say, “AJ, how do you know America is the greatest country on earth? I mean, they don’t embrace nude group spa centers like the rest of the world!”

I respond, “First of all, we do. Ask my brother what he and 300 Asians did Saturday for 3 hours. Secondly, the answer is easy! I flew to Boston Sunday at 1pm and was able to watch DirectTV Redzone Channel on the plane, follow scores on the monitor in my cab, and watch games as soon as I stepped foot in the hotel lobby.”

This is truly the greatest country on earth.

Here are the Week 3 Power Rankings, featuring some less great things….like number 10.

10. Noord (O Crap Crap Crap…) – 
Last Week: 10
Change: --

Things are getting desperate for Noord. His QB (Romo)received a punctured lung this week, Mario Manningham (his second best WR) was concussed and the rest of his team is largely inept. To be fair though, he’s not really helping himself.  He proposed the following trade:

Give: Ryan Fitzpatrick/Danny Woodhead
Get: Matt Forte/Maurice Jones-Drew

And, as far as we can figure, he was serious.  So, here are some less serious quotes from the league about his team:

“0-2, and already 80 points behind the top scorer, it must be a rebuilding year for him” – TJB
“Suck for Luck” – Sam
“His team flat out stinks. Now Manningham has a concussion…yikes. And quite possibly the worst trade offer proposed this week [seen above]. It doesn’t get much worse than that. Even on my end!” – Ricky (when Ricky says your trade proposals are wack, its time to reassess your life).
“I have a tiny peep and I love being tickled!!” – Neil, probably.

9. Sam Persons (Touchdowns Unlikely)-

Last Week: 8
Change: -1

One step forward, one step back. Hovering around the 8/9th place range, Sam’s team might be undervalued. Sure he’s 0-2, but he scored over 100 points last week with two players putting up goose eggs. And, as pointed out by a few managers, he’s got the second most points against in the league. Noord has the most points scored against, looks like his defense is as bad as his offense. Ba-zing!

8. AJ McGraw (Despicable Team)-

Last Week: 5
Change: -3

I repeat: dropping like a lead turd. Not only did my best player (Jamaal Charles) tear his ACL, but Felix Jones separated his shoulder, and I started the Dallas Defense. All that and I still only lost by 8 points to Jimmy. I repeat, BOTH MY RUNNING BACKS WERE INJURED AND LEFT THEIR GAMES AND I LOST BY 8 POINTS!

I hate this game.

7. Gunst (WheelsNotTurning)-

Last Week: 7
Change: --

“Foster, Gore, and Finley will wake up soon. And when they do…” – Austin. Gunst’s team is like an old, classic car that’s been remodeled. Looks great, but when you try to start it up the engine sputters and doesn’t turn over. You’re left cursing and trying to fix it at any cost. But if you took a second, treated it with care and waited patiently, she’ll start up. And she’s gonna look real good going down the road.

6. Jimmy (B-Moving Up The Board)

Last Week: 9
Change: +3

I need a personal soap box for this one. Jimmy claims, “Vernon Davis almost killed me, but everyone else had solid and realistic production. Yes, even Mason Crosby.”

As the inept fantasy owner who lost to Jimmy last week, I can ASSURE you his team’s production was not solid, nor realistic. Peyton Hillis, Mike Turner, Stevie Johnson and Big Ben were all in the 20 point range.  His Defense and Kicker put up 14 and 12 points respectively. Realistic? What world are you living in? Even Willis McGahee, who was on his bench, put up 17 points!

I suppose that’s realistic, in the same way that I think Vincent Jacksons 10 catch, 177 yard, 2 TD day is also realistic and I will be expecting that from him the rest of the season.

To quote Eric Creasman on the topic, “Turd.”

5. Austin Perry (Pledge Prez Perry, The Next Champ!)

Last Week: 4
Change: -1

I don’t care if he’s moved down one spot in the rankings in consecutive weeks; this guy’s team is STACKED. He’s gonna be the guy who acquires the next big waiver wire player, makes a run in the playoffs and ends up wining the crown. He’s got my man-crush, and perpetual 30 points-a-game player, Aaron Rogers at the helm. He features a receiving crew of Hakeem Nicks and Kenny Britt who have been deadly this year, and with Darren McFadden running and receiving like a man possessed he’ll outscore most opponents with just those four! I love his bench (Mike Williams (TB), Aaron Hernandez (who will come back from injury and finish as a top 5 tight end), and Marques Colston). I think his team is vicious now, and I can’t wait to see what it’ll be like when his bench is healthy.

Look for him to make some quality trades in the upcoming weeks and really bolster himself before the playoffs. Seriously, he has one player over 60 points this season, one over 50, two over 40, and two more over 30. He’s a points scoring machine!

Ok, enough of this love fest. I’m heading to Vegas to put money down on this guy. Victory!

4. TJB (Trail of Fear)-

Last Week: 6
Change: +2

Striking fear into the hearts of the feeble (at least that's what my rankings say), our newest member is taking the league like I like take a dump: quick, fast and its painful to watch. So far, he’s either the fortune of incredible good luck or incredible fantasy adeptness. Ray Rice, Tom Brady, the resurrected corpse of Steve Smith (the original), and….Fred Davis?! C’mon man…

Granted, he hasn’t started Steve Smith yet, but when Brady throws up a 44 point performance followed by a 37 pointer…you don’t really need the rest of your team to show up.

I think Brady is on pace for a 7,500 yard season with 56 TDs. So forgive me if I’m sticking with luck…for now.

3. Creasy (God.Bless.Miles.Austins.Hamstrings.)-

Last Week: 3
Change: --

Holding steady at #3 after moving up 4 spots last week is a good thing. Especially when your #1 WR gets hurt and is out for a few weeks,you started LaDanian Tomlinson last week, and Ryan Grant the week before. Wes Welker being on Tom Brady’s team this season is the best thing he’s got going for him (among many others).

Just looking at Peterson and Mendenhall’s names next to each other has GOT to make you feel tingly.

2. Neil (Dream Team….maybe)-
Last Week: 1
Change: -1

I remember another league manager who had (what he, and everyone else in the league) thought was a stacked team at every position. What happened to that manager? Two weeks later he was ranked 8th by his peers. It’s only Week 2 and things change overnight in Fantasy Football, but when you act like you’ve already won the league you put a target on your back.

Trust me. I know.
Bonus quote from Sam: “IF YOU WANT TO CROWN'EM, CROWN'EM! THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE! BUT NOORD LET'EM OFF THE HOOK!" I've still got him at the top but the injury to Vick could do wonders for the rest of the league in the next few weeks.”

1. Ricky (WeCantStopScoringOrWinningInTheRegularSeason)
Last Week: 2
Change: +1

No, seriously, he can’t stop winning in the regular season. He started Chad Henne this week, and played the guy who put up the 4th most points in the league and STILL won! It’s starting to wear on the league…

“Two so-so trades undermine an 2-0 start” - Neil
“Boo.This.Man “ – I’ll give you one guess based on the periods…
One injury away from struggling” – Austin. Technically this is true….of everyone.
“Good team, but don't like how he always wants to change it. Why not stick with what is working?” – TJB, oh young one, how much you still have to learn.
“CHAD HENNE?! FOR REALS?! Got lucky he didn't get negative points on the week.” – Jimmy. Seriously though, people know Henne and Matt Ryan are his starting QBs….right?!?!

See you next week.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Week 1 Power Rankings: The Overreaction

There are countless movies that tell an inspiring tale of backups, replacements, no-names and underdogs who overcome the oppressive (and figurative) giants in their way. No one, however, tells the tale of the dominate force who is broken by the gentleness of its opponent, as I believe I was this week (two of his RBs combined for 5.3 points!! 5.3!!!!!!!).

Maybe I’m being a bit dramatic…What, ho?! Nay! For this is Fantasy Football!!!!

I had (another) of those back-breaking weeks where I believed just slightly enough that I was going to win that I condemned myself to lose by 30. Stupid Patriots.

Heading into Monday Night’s game, I led Austin by 30 points. Left to play were his defense (tsk), kicker (pshaw), TE Aaron Hernandez (scoff), and RB Darren McFadden (puh-leease!).

Close to 60 points later, the camera cuts to me tearing my robe, shaving my beard, and weeping biblically. The 4th year in a row I open the Fantasy season with a loss.  I’m like the inexperienced, but passionate lover of Fantasy Football…a slow starter, but I know how to finish.

This year is all about the Power Rankings. Below I’ll list them in reverse order and show how many spots teams moved based on their weekly performance.

Rankings are submitted to me by each team owner anonymously, and I tabulate the results and try to make jokes to mask the pain of my team dropping like a lead turd.

Week 1 Power Rankings:

10. Matt Noordhoff (O Rak Rak Rakpo)-
Last week: 10
Change: 0
Next Week: Noord v. Neil

The only manager to opt out of submitting rankings this week. Who can blame him? He solidified his status as the 10th ranked team by producing the lowest overall score in this week’s games. It doesn't help when Tom Brady throws for 517 yards, and your WR Ochocinco only catches one pass for 14 yards.

9. Jimmy Hostetler (B-Button Spin Move)-
Last Week: 8
Change: -1
Next Week: Jimmy v. AJ

Reggie Wayne looked like Reggie Wayne despite having Kerry Collins throwing him the ball. Dwayne Bowe looked like Dwayne Bowe if I were throwing him the ball. Ultimately, in the words of Sam Persons’, Jimmy “choked on some sausage” this week. His team was ravaged by a poor performance from home team QB Ben Roethlisberger, but at least it was consensual.

8. Sam Persons (Touchdown Jesus)-
Last Week: 9
Change: +1
Next Week: Sam v. Austin

Since I used Sam’s comments for Jimmy, I’ll use Jimmy’s comments for Sam: “I see some of the poor performers getting better but some of the good performers getting worse.”…that probably means something. Sam put a lot of eggs in the Anquan Boldin basket this week. Like I say, if you ever have a chance to rely solely on Joe Flacco, you have to take it.

7. Bryan Gunst (WheelsGoNonStop)-
Last Week: 5
Change: -2
Next Week: Gunst v. TJB

Gunst beat Jimmy last week in an extremely unexciting matchup. His team gave a solid performance, got a good win and was overwhelmingly adequate. He’s like the Captain America movie…and that’s not a compliment.

6. TJ Beurle (Trail of Tears)-
Last Week: 6
Change: 0
Next Week: TJB v. Gunst

Two weeks in a row TJB accurately ranks himself and still doesn’t move positions. He’s firmly planted on the cusp of the top 5. This is a team literally too boring to make a joke about.

5. AJ McGraw (deSPEcable me)-
Last Week: 1
Change: -4
Next Week: AJ v. Jimmy

From Sam, “Big tree fall hard.” I got crushed by a 60 point swing from the Monday night games, but all of my starter’s are healthy, and none have major issues. My QB (Matt Schaub) and TE (Owen Daniels) underperformed because the defense, special teams, and run game was busy pooping on Kerry Collins. Yet, other teams who have lost starters have moved up in the rankings…but we’ll talk about that later. I'm confident in my WR core (Fitzgerald, C. Johnson, Vincent Jackson). 

4. Austin Perry (Pledge Prez Perry)-
Last Week: 3
Change: -1
Next Week: Austin v. Sam

I have finally met my match in the battle of the reverse jinx. I gave Perry my best moves all week and at every turn he countered my reverse jinxes with one of his own. I couldn’t get one to stick! He was all over me! I felt like I was in Top Gun! He was Goose, and I was Maverick and we were playing shirtless volleyball in cutoff jeans! That may have just been a dream I had...

Kudos, though, to Perry for deciding to start Aaron Hernandez (19 points) at the last minute. And, yes, I’m still super bitter about losing to a team who had two RBs (Blount and Shonn Green) score a combined 5.3 points. Please go suck on an egg.

3. Eric Creasman (God.Bless.Day.Beers.)-
Last Week: 7
Change: +4
Next Week: Creasy v. Ricky

So, about the overreactions I was talking about. Having Drew Brees put up 40 points, Welker put up over 30, and Philly Defense scoring 19 surely doesn’t hurt. It also isn’t exactly a recipe for consistency in my opinion. I do, however, love the trade Creasy made giving up Anquan Boldin (and change) for Rashard Mendenhall (and change). Gives Creasy a very strong 1-2 punch at RB (Peterson/Mendenhall), without crucifying his WR core. With that knowledge, I agree Creasy’s #7 ranking last week deserves to be upgraded. Just, maybe, not above me and Austin…

2. Ricky May (WeHavinA…whatever)-
Last Week: 4
Change: +2
Next Week: Ricky v. Creasy

I had Ricky ranked first overall because of the consistency of performances on his team. No one player had a game deciding performance (Brees/Welker for Creas, or Ray Rice for TJB). Everyone put up solid numbers that impressed. In Sam’s words, “Ricky is like the Patriots…nobody wants to see them win anymore.” I agree. You’re like the Patriots, and you look like Wes Welker and you smell like Ochocinco, and you plank like Albert Haynesworth.

1.  Neil Morrissette (Team Ralph)-
Last Week: 2
Change: +1
Next Week: Neil v. Noord

Let’s recap some things: Neil’s #2 RB (Steven Jackson) got hurt and is out for at least a month. His #2 WR (Percy Harvin) has QB Donovan McNabb (infamous for his 39 total passing yards last week) throwing him the ball, and also suffers from severe migraines. He has the frailest QB crew (Vick, Stafford) known to man, and is going to start Reggie Bush as a RB next week. Not to mention he has the shallowest position depth of all the teams (Lance Moore, Brandon Jacobs, Michael Crabtree, Jason Snelling). Yet, for some reason, his stock increases. I guess that happens when you put up 139 points and you have the threat of Mike Vick scoring another 6 TDs v. the Redskins twice this year.

Feel free to include comments when you send your rankings in the future, I might plagiarize use them!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Pre-Season Power Rankings

Yet more startling ingenuity flows forth from a group of dim-witted nitwits. We here at Ducal Crown Unlimited, unsatisfied with our current nerddom, have decided to up the amount of statistical irrelevance associated with Fantasy Football.

Each week, league owners will send me their rankings and I'll determine the combined Power Rankings by an overly complicated mathematical equation I thought up all by myself (read: Ricky told me how to make numbers add and divide).

Before we get into the actual rankings, here are a few fun facts from the compiled data:

1a. Five managers accurately predicted themselves in the final rankings. Coincidentally, it was 5 out of the top 6 teams.
1b. The other five teams? All over-predicted themselves by an average of 2.6 spots.
2. Out of five managers who missed their own rank, three of them ranked themselves 4th overall.
3. TJB (Trail of Tears) had the most accurate rankings. He accurately predicted four teams (the top three and himself), and swapped teams 4/5, 7/8, and 9/10.
4a. TJB also had the widest variation of ranks. Out of ten votes, he received ranks of 2, 3, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9.
4b. Score with the next highest variation? Bryan Gunst (WheelsGoNonStop) who was also the only manager to be receive a vote for 1st and 10th.
5. Jimmy and Creasman tied for their ranking, but Creasy had the majority of higher rankings, placing him higher overall.

Now the results:

1. AJ McGraw (deSPEcable me)- Coming in with six #1 votes, two #2 votes and a rogue #4 and #5 ranking,  I was the consensus number one pick by the league. Must be because my wide receiver core is more stacked than Dolly Parton. Larry Fitzgerald, Calvin Johnson and Vincent Jackson could all finish in the top five of fantasy receivers by the end of the year. They won't....but they COULD!

2. Neil Morrissette (Team Ralph)- It feels like just the other day we were chiding Neil on his inability to draft anyone relevant past the 5th round (Roscoe Parrish!?), his penchant for frail body QBs (Mike Vick and Matt Stafford), and his unnatural jaw size (it's like Quaqmire with a lip in). Turns out it was a week ago, but still. You're the Number Two to my Dr. Evil. Glad to have you aboard.

3. Austin Perry (Pledge Prez Perry)- I'm hoping this ranking is based on the quality of his entire team and not because Aaron Rogers just hung up 32 fantasy points on me Thursday. Then again, I'm also hoping they start re-making the Harry Potter movie series over the next decade, but we don't always get what we want.

4. Ricky May (WeHavinABabyNItsABoy)- He wins first place in hardest team name to type. But, knowing Ricky, he'll re-make his entire team with trades next week...and won't move in the rankings.

5. Bryan Gunst (WheelsGoNonStop)- I'm not surprised Gunst's rankings were so varied. He could have two very dominate RBs (Gore and Foster), or he could be starting Beanie Wells and Fred Jackson by week 3 when the others are limping the sidelines on crutches.

6. TJ Buerle (Trail of Tears)- A number six ranking for a guy in his first year in the league drafting with no keepers is impressive. Then again, wait til you see who finished below him.

7. Eric Creasman (God.Bless.Day.Beers)- Great team name, less great when your second running back is Ryan Grant...and one of your keepers is a running back...and you had the #1 pick in the draft.

8. Jimmy Hostetler (B-Button Spin Move)- I assume this is because people don't like his QB (Big Ben), his WRs (Reggie Wayne/Dwayne Bowe) or his running backs (Mike Turner/Peyton Hillis). Other than that though...this team is stacked.

9. Sam Persons (Touchdown Jesus)- I'm a little surprised by this ranking. Sam has Andre Johnson, Antonio Gates, and Rashard Mendenhall on his team. Sam also has diabetes, know. #CopOutJoke

10. Matt Noordhoff (O Rak Rak Rakpo)- If we did this poll last year, Noord probably would have finished 10th every week. But he finished the season second overall after losing to me in the title game. I'm calling it incredibly good luck. Don't believe me? Noord plays me in Week 6. The week Larry Fitzgerald, Vincent Jackson, and Jamaal Charles are all on Bye. 'Nuff said.

Ok, you dirty, rotten animals. There are your power rankings. Thank me later.