March Madness: A Strategy Guide

Admittedly, I should have written this blog last week before you all frantically printed off your brackets last night and scribbled in answers while the ESPN Films Fab 5 documentary played in the background.

Oh...that was just me? Never mind.

In case you haven't finished your bracket, or you have and realized you put Wofford in your Final Four and would like a second chance at filling it out, I'll offer you a few strategies to a successful (or at least less gut-wrenching) March Madness experience.

Until about two years ago, I, like many of you, had sworn off completing a March Madness bracket every April for the last 10-15 years. Put myself through the agony of picking the three 5 v. 12 upsets that didn't happen? No more! Fill out four brackets in pencil, ensuring every pick is right, before finally inking the official bracket only to regret it moments later? No way! Slam my head against the wall after losing to my wife for the third year in a row? Not me!

Then March comes and I'm scurrying around frantically trying to figure out who UAB played this year, how many points per game they average and if they have a clutch shooter on the team.

So I developed my March Madness Theories. Not all of them are creations from my mind, but the ones that are will be marked in bold...and some that probably aren't will to. I can't regulate this stuff, I have real work to do today.

Without further Freddy Adu, I present the "Five Strategies to Filling out your March Madness Bracket for a Less Gut-Wrenching NCAA Tournament Experience".

1. Pick the teams you hate to win
I perfected (and created) this technique in 2009. Being a Duke fan, (Yeah yeah, I'm an tool for liking a team that plays smart basketball, better defense and features more great white guards than most programs in college basketball history. You're right, I bandwagon the team that turns out long-term skill and position players for the NBA instead of ego-maniac All-Stars that flame out after a few years [with many exceptions]. Who would you rather have on your team right now, a 37 year-old Grant Hill or a 34 year-old Vince Carter? Shane Battier or (from same draft class) Brendan Haywood? Michael Jordan or Christian Laettner?)

Ok, you can't win them all. Where was I? Oh yes. Being a Duke fan, I did not like seeing the Tyler "Most Awkward White Athlete Since Bill Walton" Hansbrough led North Carolina Tarheels get the #1 seed in their division. However, knowing they were a good team and knowing my picks never pan out, I took them to win the title.

I knew one of two things would happen, my picks would not pan out (as usual) and UNC would lose bringing me great joy. Or, my picks WOULD pan out and UNC would win the whole thing and I'd win my brackets...also bringing me great joy.

Obviously the latter happened and I won my first Tournament Pool in ages. Great joy was shared throughout.

2. Pick Higher Seeds

Not an original idea, but still a useful one. Don't get caught up in the upset potential of the NCAA tourney. Yes, a 12-seed almost always upsets a 5-seed. Yes, an unsuspecting team usually makes a run to the Sweet Sixteen or Elite Eight. No, you will not pick them this year. If you don't have a good strategy just take the high seed, make a mojito and laugh at the presumptuous know-it-all who took Belmont to the Elite Eight. Sure, George Mason stunned the world in 2006, but 86.5% of Final Four teams are ranked 4th or higher. Hang on, I need to re-tape my glasses and wipe off the screen to my TI-83.

Look, a guy who works at the local sports radio station in town posted some of his picks for the Southeast Division. He's taking 11-seed Gonzaga to the Elite Eight, 14-seed Wofford to upset 3-seed BYU in Round 1, 12-seed Utah State beating 13-seed Belmont in Round 2 (Utah State needing to upset 5-seed Kansas State and Belmont needing to upset 4-seed Wisconsin both in Round 1) and finally 9-seed ODU is his Final Four pick from that division. That's a 9, 11, 12, 13,14 seed all advancing in the same division. You like upsets? Copy that bracket and laugh your way to last place in your pool.

And you're telling me I can't find a job in sports? Maybe I should start actively looking...

3. Pick the Best Player
Another method I use, is siding with the dominate player in close match-ups. I used this method last year and took the John Wall/Demarcus Cousin led Kentucky Wildcats and the Evan Turner led Ohio State Buckeye's to the Final Four. It didn't exactly work out (Kentucky made it to the Elite Eight and Ohio State to the Sweet Sixteen), but if I had realized that the best player in the tournament was going to be Gordon Haywood, maybe I would have taken Butler to the Finals.

Point being, if you can't decide if Connecticut is going to beat San Diego State in Round Three ask yourself, "Is Kemba Walker going to let the Huskies lose?". Or, "Is Jacob Pullen really going to let Utah State upset Kansas State in the first round?" And there's your answer.

4. Look at Wins vs. Ranked Teams
This is probably something people who spend way too much time on their brackets already do, but its the new technique I'm trying out this year. In tourney time, you gotta know who is a legit threat and who is a good team in a bad conference. For instance, San Diego State (a team a lot of people like to go deep in the tourney) has a 32-2 record on the year. Its the same impressive record that number 1 seeds Ohio State and Kansas have for the season.

However, San Diego State has played 2 ranked teams all year (Gonzaga and BYU). They lost to BYU twice in the regular season and finally beat them the third time in the conference championship (after BYU lost 2nd best player Brandon Davies for engaging in some, um, extracurricular activities). So, does SD State scare me in the tourney? Yes. But I think when they play UConn in the Sweet Sixteen their inexperience against ranked teams will be the deciding factor.

5. Take the Hot Team
I'm taking credit for this one. I may not be the first person to say it, but I haven't taken the idea knowingly from someone else.

Playoffs in any sport come down to who is hot, or who has the deepest roster. In the NHL last year the Montreal Canadieens were a 6 seed yet made the Conference Finals because they were hot at the right time and had the hottest goal keeper in the league. The Green Bay Packers won the Super Bowl by having a deep roster and winning the final two games of the season to enter the playoffs streaking.

That said, who do you think I' m taking in the Temple vs. Penn State game? The team from the Atlantic 10 Conference who lost to Richmond? Or the team who burned through the Big Ten tournament to reach the finals for the first time upsetting Indiana, Wisconsin and Michigan State along the way? Give me Penn State.

Bonus Strategy: Pick (or Don't Pick) Teams from your State-
I usually don't subscribe to this theory like some of my other Virginia natives although I am tempted to every year. This year I've fallen victim. I'm taking GMU over Villanova, Georgetown to beat VCU (who will beat USC in the play-in), Richmond to upset Vanderbilt and ODU to sneak past reigning runner-up Butler.

First of all, great representation from the state of VA. Second of all, I expect more than half of those picks to be wrong but how can you root against a team from your state?

Unless its Virginia Tech...who I expect will also win their first round game.

In the NIT. Suckers.

Didn't say you had to like every team from your state.

So there you go- six strategies to help you complete your bracket. My final suggestion would be to do what my wife does every year:

1. Read this blog
2. Do the opposite of what it says
3. Rub it in my face that you beat me

Its the most foolproof method here.

How to Make a Trick Shot Video for YouTube

Nothing says "I've reached the pinnacle of my collegiate athletic career" better than a trick shot video. So, if you're like me and want the world to know how prolific you were for 3 quarters of one regular season 3-on-3 intramural basketball game at a D-3 school, the following guide is a must read.

The great thing about trick shot videos is that they finally allow the athletes to be seen in their optimum setting: without pesky defenders guarding them while making shots that don't count for points. It's a win-win-win-win.

The additional wins are for YouTube, unintentional comedy, and a white athlete's final shot at immortality.

Here is a user-friendly guide to creating your very own trick shot video.

1. Collect 1-2 college athletes who ride the bench - They can be the 3rd string quarterback, the two mandatory white guys on the basketball team, or one of the trainers who never got their chance in high school but hang on to the belief that if 8 guys on the team get injured he'll be called into action.

2. Come up with an over-confident opening statement - A necessity of all trick shot vids is the opening statement. You can be seated at center court with a basketball nearby and say something like, "Welcome to the Kansas State Thunder Dome, punks!" Then you throw the basketball over your head and through the hoop.

TANGENT ALERT: For a sport classified as poetry in motion, basketball might be the hardest to describe doing without sounding like a doughy armed, bespectacled, turd-in-the-punch-bowl type. You can't sound cool saying, "He took the ball, dribbled left once, spotted up and tossed the orb through the cylinder for a swish!" or "He shot it in the basket!" or "He caught it in the corner and threw the ball in the hoop!"

There's just no good way to describe that. From here on out, I will refer to different types of money to describe the act of shooting a ball through a hoop...gah! Did it again!

3. Hire an overly excitable cameraman - Nothing sells the importance of your trick shot better than the guy holding the camera shaking uncontrollably and shouting, "Oooh!! Hoo-hoo!!!" It lets the viewer know either A) the shot was improbably made on the first attempt and the cameraman couldn't hold himself together or, (more likely), B) it was your 105th attempt, you've been asked to leave repeatedly, you're beginning to start doubting your existence and the cameraman is suffering from a mild case of dementia.

Either way, you must elicit a reaction from your cameraman after you throw the ball from the 3rd balcony and...LIRA!

4. Hip-Hop Soundtrack - Obviously a must have if you want to keep people interested. Fortunately, most YouTube video creators know to use songs without lots of curse words to ensure the largest population of viewers watch the entire video without being offended. Unfortunately, most of them end up picking edited versions of hardcore songs which leaves the viewer with, what I like to call, a start-stop headache. "I'mma ____ the ___ ___ and ____ ___ you're a ____ the ____ in the finest ____ establishment of the free ____ world."

5. Slow Motion Replay - If the hip-hop soundtrack is the staple of the trick shot video, the slow motion replay is the less effective paper clip. One successful shot often takes multiple takes and the editors forget that even though the shot was difficult for you, watching a guy cash money the ball with his foot from half-court isn't impressive after we just watched you throw it from the score board and bounce it off four rows of seats and shout, "Currency!"

6. Lackies - Any good trick shot video requires 3-4 guys who don't make any shots, aren't seen helping in any way, and who's only value-added to the video is throwing their arms up in the victory "V" or fist pumping while saying, "We need to show that one in slow-mo on the video!"

7. Props - Anyone can throw a ball full-court and Euro it. But only a select few can do it while being pushed in a wheel chair, laying down on a stretcher, or while reading War & Peace blindfolded while playing ping-pong. Use your props.

8. One Out-of-Frame Shot - There has to be one shot, or throw, in the video where the ball goes out of the frame of the camera, then re-enters right before swishing through the hoop (crap)...right before it dollar bills (much better). This will give all your skeptics one shot to hang on to as their sole evidence that the entire video was CGI.

"Look, how do you explain the shot that went off camera? You know college kids these days...even though they're athletes, which means they probably don't have time to have a job, and have to fill their free time with studying and playing video games, they probably still have the resources and know-how to use CGI. I can't see a better use of time and $10,000 than creating another 4 minute trick shot video that fails to impress me."

9. Cross-Sport Promotion - The common YouTube browser likes variety. I'll watch you shoot a half-court shot once. If you do it again, I'm leaving. Unless, of course, you use a pool cue to cash the shot. Tired of seeing me knock over water bottles with a football? What about if I throw the football off second base and into a trash can? Interested then? What if I volleyball a coconut through a goal post, past the goalie and into a golf hole? Do I have your interest now?

10. Unnecessarily Long End Credits - The final component of all trick shot videos is the 2 minute credit reel that must run after your last mediocre shot. Nothing keeps my interest more than learning the name of the guy at Boise State who let you into the gym after hours. Or seeing that the same guy who starred in the video also produced, directed, edited, wrote and filmed it.

That's pretty much all it takes to get yourself a YouTube video with 500,000 views. It's not as hard as you thought, and the great thing about YouTube is you can cash in those views (like tickets at the arcade) for prizes. I hear, 250,000 views will get you a pretty sweet sticker book. And if you can get over 1 million, you can redeem them for a copy of the longest-titled, most out-of-date book in existence.

Now that you know what to do, get out there and start making those trick shot videos! There can't be enough of them!

Why Carmelo Anthony Going to the Knicks is the Best Thing for Me

This blog is all about me. It always has been, and it always will be (until I get picked up by a website and they start paying me to do this). So...it always will be.

Which is why when an NBA super-star gets traded I can find a way for it to positively affect me.

That said, here are five reasons why Carmelo Anthony being traded to the NY Knicks is the best thing for me, and my NBA enjoyment.

1. Everything is better when NY is the villain - New York might be the only city that can sway the success of an entire professional sports league.

The NFL got about 16 times more interesting when Rex Ryan came to the Jets and began hiring the leagues more, um, 'frowned-upon' players while making claims of winning Super Bowls, beating the Patriots, and smelling women's feet.

The only time I can remember actively watching MLB was during 2004 when the Red Sox and Yankees faced off in the ALCS. That was 7 years ago! I haven't watched baseball since.

Sources say I'm not missing anything.

The New York Red Bulls (that's the MLS team for those of you who don't know...so, all of you) have been a middle of the pack team for years, and Major League Soccer hasn't been doing so hot in America. So...you know. You can see a clear correlation there.

The New York Rangers have been...OK, I think I made my point. Go look it up for yourself if you need more convincing.

Now, after the Knicks have been beyond irrelevant for the last 10 years, I actually began to pity them. It's like watching an Al Pacino film from this decade. He used to be the biggest star and one of the most imposing acting forces on Earth, and then you watch The Recruit, 88 Minutes, and Righteous Kill and you just start feeling bad for him. Maybe its time he pulls a Sean Connery and start doing voice-overs for video games. Let us remember his great films nostalgically and not force us to watch his decrepit body crumble before our eyes on screen.

The Knicks were irrelevant and the Eastern Conference was boring. You had the Celtics (which are a fun team to watch and you can easily form an opinion for or against them) and the Magic (who you want to like but never really take seriously). Before that it was the Cavaliers (with LeBron) or the Pistons (snooze). I don't know about you, but when I think Orlando, Cleveland and Detroit I don't exactly think NBA powerhouses. It's been the Lakers and Spurs show for the past 10 years. Yawn.

Now the Knicks are relevant. Carmelo, Amare, Chauncey Billups and company. Al Pacino starred in "You Don't Know Jack" which is up for nomination. And I can rest easy and be comfortable again. I can hate the NY Knicks. After rooting for them to get Carmelo for the past 7 months, I can immediately flip the switch and begin to loathe their entire being.

Life is good.

2. The Power has Shifted to the Eastern Conference - Don't worry. Don't skip ahead. I'm not actually going to break down the power shift in the NBA. I just want to use this paragraph to rant about Kobe Bryant. (But let it be known that the Eastern Conference is in a trading frenzy right now moving pieces and trying to one-up each other with the bigger acquisition - Deron Williams traded to the Nets, Wizards making moves, Hawks making moves, etc.)

OK, so Kobe. Just when I was beginning to respect the guy as a player and a professional and he goes and does what he did in the All-Star game. I've never seen someone so concerned with winning the MVP of the All-Star game. He was doing everything he could on the court (including shooting 26 times in 29 minutes) to ensure he would get the most meaningless honor given in the NBA. He's like the kid in class who doesn't have any friends and gets picked on a lot so he focuses all his attention on studying and becoming really smart. He wins every spelling bee and gets high marks on all his tests like he's going to prove himself to the rest of the class. Look, we get it, you're smart. High-fives for everyone. Now lets head to the bathroom for your Thursday afternoon swirly.

Maybe he wasn't hugged enough as a child or maybe his dad, Joe "Jellybean" Bryant, drove him too hard. Or maybe it was growing up with a dad nicknamed "Jellybean". Who knows. But when you try that hard in an exhibition game to prove yourself, you deserve to have your knee caps removed and used for batting practice with Jose Cancseco.

It's like Kobe has a list of Michael Jordan's accomplishments on his bedroom wall. And if he can just check off every box that MJ did, then Kobe can be called at least as good as MJ was. (Jordan had three All-Star MVP awards, Kobe now has four). I'm sure he raced home, got out his big red Sharpie and added a check mark to his list.

What a loser.

3. The NBA is Exploding Right Now - It started with the Boston Celtics back in 2007 when they acquired Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen, assembling the first Big Three (of this generation) since Manu, Tony Parker and Tim Duncan down in San Antonio. In 2008 Pau Gasol (one of the league's premier centers) gets traded to the Lakers for a chicken sandwich, two handshakes and a side-hug. Then LeBron and Chris Bosh go to the Heat to join forces with Dwayne Wade. Struggling teams all over are clearing cap space to sign big name free agents. Amare goes to NY, Carmelo gets traded there. Deron Williams goes to New Jersey while teams are clearing cap space for Chris Paul's free agency coming up.

The NBA is a fantasy league right now (credit @JoeFuller4 for that).

And you know me....I LOVE FANTASY SPORTS!!!

4. Playoff basketball is going to be so good this year - I won't belabor this point either. The Eastern Conference will shake down something like this:

1.  Boston (4 All-Stars)
2. Miami (3 All-Stars)
3. Chicago (1 All-Star)
4. Orlando (1 All-Star)
5. Atlanta (2 All- Star)
6. New York (1 Eastern Conference All-Star, 1 Western Conference All-Star)

The entire Eastern Conference All-Star team came from 6 out of the 16 teams. Those 6 teams are the top 6 ranked teams in the Conference. You think any of these teams look forward to playing each other in the playoffs? Get your popcorn ready...I just used a T.O. joke from 2005 and deserve to have my keyboard taken away.

5. The Washington Wizards - Carmelo going to the Knicks and the subsequent trading frenzy that has followed has finally allowed me to let go. I no longer need to pretend that the Wizards can be anything other than completely irrelevant in the NBA until at least 2026. I'm giving it 15 years. Why? Unless Washington suddenly becomes the hot place to play, we're not going to get any big name free agents for a while. We have no pieces to trade, we have the ugliest uniforms and a name from a game of Dungeons & Dragons. No one is coming here.

So we have to wait out the primes of LeBron, Wade, Amare, Carmelo, Dwight Howard, Derrick Rose, Joe Johnson, Rajon Rondo, and others. By that time the Wizards may have accumulated enough Lottery picks to have done something worthwhile.

Either way, John Wall's prime will be past and his talent will have been squandered. Sure, he'll break the assist record and set a consecutive double-double streak for every game in the entire season. But the Wizards will win 20-30 games and never make it out of the East.

So, here's to the 2030's! That's the decade I'm calling for Washington sports. We'll be relevant then. And it's only 19 years away!

I'm going to go hit myself in the head with a shovel...hopefully that makes the next 20 years go by faster.