The Laugh Richter Scale

Sometimes there are things in life that need to be defined. This is one of those times. If you're new to social media (read, just had your 7th birthday), or are above the age of 35, it can be confusing talking to people via Gchat, Twitter, text, etc. Especially when it comes to what is funny.

Simple things have become increasingly complex over the years. It used to be that saying "haha" meant you were laughing at something. Yet, there was a period in college where all of my texts started with "haha". As in:

1) You going to the basketball game tonight?
2) Haha, yea I'll be there.

or

1) Dude, I have to take summer courses cause I failed my final.
2) Haha, that blows.

This made it awkward when someone texted me something that was legitimately funny. I had to exponentially increase the number of "haha's" in order to drive my point home.

1) I just farted in class!
2) Haha, hahahahahahahahahahah (just want to clarify I was actually laughing at that...)

And don't even get me started on "lols". What was once teenage girl vernacular quickly became everyday dialect for all ages and genders.

In order to bring some clarity to the definition, interpretation and underlying implications of today's fast moving laugh-descriptors, I have assembled the following "Laugh Richter Scale". It's the greatest use of my time since I watched every episode of every season of Celebrity Apprentice.

The Laugh Richter Scale:

1.0 
The Laugh: "Ha"
Definition: "Your sarcastic remark resonated with me"
Example: 
1) Man, being a Patriots fan is hard. Don't worry though, the Redskins will get there one day.
2) ha
2) I want to kill you mercilessly.

1.1 
The Laugh: "Ha."
Definition: "I hate you."
Example:
1) I mean, look, I know my Steelers have been to the Super Bowl 8 times, and we've won 6 of them (including 2 this decade), but we REALLY should have beaten the Packers. Its completely unfair that we lost!
2) Ha.

1.7 
The Laugh: "Hah"
Definition: "Yea, like THAT would ever happen." or "I type at such a blazingly fast speed that, not only do my finger tips have blisters on them, but I'm so far into my next statement I can't go back and add another 'a' to that, so you're going to have to make do without it."
Example:
1) I'm totally going to apply for the open COO position at work. I could be like the youngest COO in company history. I know the company, and I can totally sit in a big office all day and practice my putting game! The job is basically mine to begin with. I'll hire you on as my secretary or something when I get it. My 2.4 GPA in college was only because I was smarter than my professors and they hated me.
2) hah
2) So you'll be able to hook me up with free Junior Bacon Cheesburger's all the time then, right?

2.0 
The Laugh: "Haha"
Definition: I acknowledge your statement.
Example:
1) I came into work today and like, everyone else was late! Can you believe that! I was on time! And everyone was late! And I'm like...why are you getting paid more than me when you don't show up on time? I mean, yea, I do spend the first 2 hours when I'm at work on Facebook, but whatever, right? Do you know what I mean?...
2) haha, yea...

2.5 

The Laugh: "lol" 

Definition: I recently said "haha" and I want to keep our conversation fresh. Either way, I acknowledge that you said something, whether or not I was paying attention. Its worth noting that I still haven't actually laughed.

Example: 

1)...so its like, I'm the only one in on time every day! Ugh! My life is miserable and I have no friends and everything I do is just the worst! Don't you feel bad for me?

2) lol, yea...

3.0 
The Laugh: "ROFL"
Definition: I am one of your parents, or one of your parents friends, and I saw this in a tech magazine. I'm using it because I can relate to you.
Example:
1) You will not guess what our dog Bernie did today! He came in from outside and scooted his butt around on the carpet! I was ROFL!
2) Oh that sounds pretty gross.
1) ROFL! ROFL! ROFL!
1) Can we be friends?
2) No.

4.0 
The Laugh: "Bwah-ha-ha!"
Definition: I want to laugh like a vampire.
Example:
1) Yea, I read the Twilight books, they were really good. Why do you ask?
2) Bwah-ha-ha!
1) Oh...um, I have a boyfriend.

5.0 
The Laugh: "Hahaha"
Definition: I actually thought that was funny.
Example: 
1) Dude, Kanye just tweeted "NO ALCOHOL BEFORE TATTOOS"
2) Hahaha

6.0 
The Laugh: "Hahahaha"
Definition: I REALLY thought that was funny!
Example:
1) Dude, Kanye just tweeted "Do you know where to find marble conference tables? I'm looking to have a conference...not until I get the table though"
2) Hahahaha

7.0 
The Laugh: "Muahahahaha!"
Definition: I have no friends, but I REALLY want some.
Example:
1) I'm just going to dip out of work early today. Screw my boss, its too nice outside.
2) Muahahahaha!
1) Ok, take it easy pal.

8.0 
The Laugh: "aaaaahahahaha!"
Definition: That joke was slightly offensive...but I'm laughing at it anyway.
Example:
1) Sometimes I get so excited my thoughts come out jumbled. I'm like that LA reporter, "And the irgle of furningaf be gurgle de lookernat".
2) aaaahahahaha! aw, sad.

9.0 
The Laugh: "BAHahahahaha!"
Definition: I blurted out laughter before catching myself, resulting in disgusting looks from my co-workers. But I don't care because that was hilarious!
Example:
1) What's a human suitcase?
2) Its that thing of when a midget on roller skates puts on all your clothes and you pull them through an airport.
2) Haven't you seen Saturday Night Live's Stefon?

9.5 
The Laugh: "BLAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahhahaha!"
Definition: I peed a little.

Example:

1) That was a quick trip to the bathroom.

2) I just peed a little.

(Editor's note: I may have misinterpreted this one.)

10.0 
The Laugh: "OMG! LOLOLOLOL BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!"
Definition: I peed a lot.

Example:

1) Steven Tyler's face.

0.0 
The Laugh: "ZOMG!" 
Definition: I have no friends. And I probably don't deserve any.
Example:
2) So you're sure we went to high school together?
1) ZOMG! We totes did! I had a class near you!
1) You want to come over and play Tekken with me?
1) ...??

Thank you, and goodnight.