Thursday, December 2, 2010

Fantasy Teams as NFL Teams

Aside from crotchety old men (Tony Kornheiser) blindly saying things like, "Nothing should ever be tweeted," there are a lot of people who don't understand the benefits of Twitter. For instance, where else could I get this priceless gem, (via @BeABieberFreak) "Boys: want to know what goes on in girls heads? ...listen to Taylor Swift."

(From that comment I figure girls want guys to start acting tortured, afflicted and dramatic in order to get attention. Perhaps I should knowingly date John Mayer...JOHN MAYER!!!! I can write a songs about him for my new album  entitled, "I Made Bad Decisions on Purpose to Sing About Them.")

Or hear NFL players blame their diety for dropped passes? (Via @StevieJohnson13 "I PRAISE YOU 24/7! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS? HOW?! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS! EVER! THX THO..."

These are things people NEED to hear...

Anyway, my fantasy league was tweeting each other during the workday (What? You have a problem with this?) and we stumbled into a joke, which turned into a gimmick, which turned into a thread, became an idea and has now resulted in a blog. The magic of men's minds...

Ironically, thats the title of my upcoming book about male obsession with sorcery.

This week we'll compare the Fantasy League to their NFL counterparts in, what will assuredly become, a blog that only the Fantasy Leagues finds worthwhile. But, if I know you (and I like to think that I do), you need something to do at work. So here we always, starting at the bottom of the league.

Eric Creasman as the Buffalo Bills- Creasy, who was a new addition to the league this year, just ended his seven game losing streak. Putting him firmly in last place with a 3-9 record. Yet, much like the Bills, Creasy has tried hard throughout, making lots of trades in the last few weeks and stockpiling players, but rarely doing enough to win. Thankfully, however, Eric has resisted the urge to blame God for his losses.

And if you don't like the Bills, we can say Creasy's team is the Washington Redskins...a bumbling group of incompetents who can't string together wins.

Tom Livengood as the Detroit Lions- If Creasy is the Bills, Tom has to be the Lions. Another team that struggles to win yet will occasionally put up big points (like the week he put up 150 on me, doubling my point total). Thankfully, however, I'm not forced to watch Tom play every Thanksgiving as I slip into my pre-dinner coma.

Sam Persons as the Minnesota Vikings- A team with high expectations at the beginning of the season, especially after his hot 3-1 start. Currently, Sam is on a 1-7 losing streak and, much like the Vikings, needed to fire his glasses wearing head coach a couple of weeks ago. There is always next year...and I hear Jon Gruden is available.

Austin Perry as the Houston Texans- No, this is not because I follow Austin around writing short stories about his life and posting them on a website few people visit. Although I do do that (hehe, doo-doo). Austin is the Texans because he has a young team (drafting rookies Jahvid Best and Ryan Matthews) that we all had high expectations for. Yet, things didn't seem to work out in the first half of the season. His streaky scoring routine (under 70 or over 100) was finally broken and resembles the Texans ability to score big (34 and 30 vs. Indianpolis and Washington, respectively) or struggle to find the endzone (13 and 10 vs. the Cowboys and Giants, respectively).

And, much like the Texans, I can only expect to hear about a few more HGH doping scandals associated with Austin's team-- and that's not just because of his tiny head...

Bryan Gunst as the Dallas Cowboys- Although it pains to compare a fellow Redskins fan to the Cowboys, Wheel's team reeks of them. He started the season with a star-studded cast of players (Chris Johnson, Arian Foster, Tom Brady AND Kyle Orton, Reggie Wayne, Miles Austin, and Jermichael Finley to name a few) and after demolishing me in Week 1 (scored 140 points on me...starting to see a trend?) he dropped his next three games and fell to the bottom of the league.

With the excess blubber cut from both teams (Wade Phillips from Dallas and Chris Johnson to me, in a trade that deserves a Noble Prize) Wheels is clawing his way back to relevance after winning 4 of his last 5. Will it be enough? Will the Cowboys finish above the Redskins in the NFC East this year?

My guess is yes. To the second one...not to Wheels. He's screwed.

Matt Noordhoff as the 2009 Denver Broncos- His team transcends this years group of NFL teams. He reminds me a lot of the 2009 Broncos who, if you remember, were supposed to be a transition team having just brought in new head coach Josh McDaniels and former Bears QB Kyle Orton. The expectations were not high for either team after the draft, yet an early win streak (6-2 for the Broncs, 7-1 for Noord) erased all preconceived notions...until the mid-way point on the season. The Broncos went 2-6 in their final 8 games and Noord is currently riding a 4 game losing streak that I look to extend to five games (unless he also wants to put up 140+ points on me).

Long story short, the media makes fun of Josh McDaniels for looking like a young, immature, out of control Frat boy who shouldn't be given responsbility. So...Noord.

Jimmy Hostetler as the Chicago Bears- The Bears are a frustrating team this year. Their 8-3 record is not indicative of their actual talent. With an eroding offensive line, limited run game, and arrogant-error prone-head case quarterback they should probably be more like 3-8. Similarly, Jimmy's team wasn't ever projected to score many points but, somehow, he seems to eek out wins when he shouldn't. And just after he puts up 90+ points in six straight weeks he lays an egg to Noord's team (who was still streaking at the time), only registering a measly 54 points. Still, to his credit Jimmy has managed a surprising 7-5 record.

The Bears, and Jimmy, both have made questionable trades recently (Jimmy giving up Phillip Rivers and Frank Gore essentially for Andre Johnson and Ahmad Bradshaw) and the Bears acquiring Jay Cutler...on purpose.

Neil Ralph Morrissette as the St. Louis Rams- Normally we'd talk about how Neil sucks and should just start dating men already, but this year is actually different. After the draft we all wrote Neil's team off. We didn't think much of him taking Brandon Marshall, Michael Crabtree or Jonathan Stewart in the first 5 rounds. Or any of these draft picks for that: Ricky Williams, Mike Williams, Robert Meachem, Johnny Knox, Carnell Williams, Jeremy Shockey or the Arizona Defense.

We may have over looked him stumbling into Adrian Peterson and Lesean McCoy in the 4 rounds, however. After losing 4 of his first 5 games, Neil's team was written off as another failed adventure in fantasy football. Yet, after a few good trades ( good trade) he's risen from the ashes like a homeless man who lives in a Fire Department training building and is all of a sudden tied for second place with a 7-5 record. Yes, that means Neil is on a 6-1 streak right now...grab a hold of your butt and kiss it goodbye, Neil might be making the playoffs this year!

Ricky May as the Indianapolis Colts- A staple in fantasy football, you shouldn't be surprised to know that Ricky, just like the Colts, is the winningest team of the decade (I made this up). He constantly delivers a good product and is a lock for the playoffs almost every year (I did not make this up). Yet, like the Colts, his team is fading fast due to injury concerns (Also a fact). The Colts have battled through injuries to Joesph Addai, Dallas Clark, Pierre Garcon, Austin Collie, Donald Brown, Jeff Saturday, the water boy, the janitorial staff and two hobos who chase birds in the parking lot after games. And Ricky has lost...well, just Frank Gore; leaving two glaring holes in his lineup. Sure, his quarterback is Peyton Manning (Hey! Look at that! Just like the Colts!), but he's also starting Danario Alexander this week...

I guess that leaves just one more person...

AJ McGraw as the New York Jets- This one wasn't really hard to figure out. Obviously I'm more capable than the Redskins this year (plus who wants to compared to a losing team?), and the Jets were an obvious choice. Think about it, they were both severely over-hyped in the media (HBO's Hard Knocks vs. this blog), lost their first game of the season (to the Ravens vs. to Wheel's team), had the nation turn against them when their record read 0-1, had the nation fall back in love with them after winning a few games, squeaked out a few close wins (3 straight OT wins for the Jets vs. me beating Creasman by .46 or my late night come-from-behind win over Wheels in week 10), and both have an incredibly handsome quarterback (Mark Sanchez and me, duh). What? I'm not actually the quarterback of my team? Fine.

Both have a charming, affable, and beloved head coach who players want to play for and coaches want to coach like. So there. Its my blog, its in writing so its true.

There you have it. The fantasy league in relation to NFL teams, all spawned from a Twitter conversation.

And if that's not a good enough reason to appreciate Twitter, maybe laughing at NFL player's grammer is! Via @StevieJohnson "I PLAY W/PASSION AND EMOTION! I HURT WEN I DNT MAKE A PLAY BKUZ iKNO THAT'S WHA MY TEAM,FAM,N MY CITIES WANT TO SEE! N THAS A WINs N PLAYS!"

Thx tho?

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