When your alarm is set for 5:10am, there are few moments you look forward to more than bedtime. There just isn't anything like laying in a big comfy bed and erasing your mind of all thoughts as you gradually slide into your dream world. And I put a lot of effort into my dreams. I try each night to fall asleep thinking about something impractical and amazing. Most nights its what I'd do if there was a zombie outbreak and I led a group of survivors as we fight for freedom.
Whatever, I'm cool.
However, for the first time since I was 5 and was dreaming of an evil Yosemite Sam chasing me through the desert around a Merry-Go-Round, my dream world has backfired severely. So buckle up for the latest installment of AJ's Bizzaro Dream World.
As you know, most good dreams start in the middle of the story. They don't adhere to a time line, there is no character development, and you're usually in the dream just during the rising action and climax. Which is where we start our story:
I was back at my alma mater, Christopher Newport University. Me and a group of RAs had just discovered a very valuable top secret "material" on campus. We weren't sure what it was, or what it was for. But we knew if it fell into the wrong hands the consequences would be dire (Ooh, its getting good already!).
Naturally, we telephoned the government to come inspect this "material" and secure it if necessary (by the way, that number is 1-800-GOV-MINT. I use it often). After a short conversation a Special Ops team of Marines (or Navy Seals if your partial to them, its a dream), was dispatched to CNU to recover the "materials" and extract them from the location (This dream is shaping up to be a thriller!).
The team of Marines arrived and they escorted about 15 RAs (myself included) down to the marsh behind the University. If you went to CNU and just said, "I know where he's talking about!" you are a dirty rotten liar. There is no marsh. Its a dream. I made it up. Stop trying to change my story.
Obviously the Marines needed all 15 RAs to come with them. I'm sure its standard operating procedure. Due to the severity of the situation, they saw fit to arm us with weapons. Don't worry though, they didn't give us the good weapons, just replica World War II rifles and rusty Nazi machine guns. An MP40 to be exact (I know because I played a lot of Call of Duty in college).
So we're standing around this marsh, armed with rusty old rifles, and waiting for the helicopter to airlift the "materials" and Special Ops team out. The water we're standing in has begun to rise rapidly and as I hold my rifle close, I have an uneasy feeling that there may be a group of banditos lurking in the brush around us. And because this is my dream, and whatever you think in a dream happens, we start to hear movement around us.
The water is now waist high (oddly, this is the same time I pee the bed in real life), and I see our villains reveal themselves. We are surrounded. There is no hope. The Marines lay down their weapons.
Its my dream though, and I've been watching a lot of Top Shot, so I figured I could take them all. I take aim and.......click. My trigger doesn't work.
Stupid World War II rifles. Stupid dream. This would never happen in Call of Duty.
Seeing we were defeated, the head bad guy (we'll call him Hugo. You know, the bad guy from 3 Ninjas), takes the suitcase of "material" and handcuffs our Marine friends. His team then begins to disarm the RAs. And by "disarm", I mean take our wallets and cellphones. C'mon...we're responsible college kids. We don't handle guns. The closest we've come to danger was the drunk freshman who barely made it to the sink in our room in time to hurl (true story).
Well, this is my dream and I'm no fool. There was no way I was going to surrender my cell phone. As the "disarmed" RAs glumly walked by me to return to campus, I blended in acting as though I had my cellular device and leather money carrier taken from me. I figured I could get to campus, call in the authorities and be the hero.
Unfortunately, Hugo is a crafty one. He had counted the number of RAs, and counted the number of cellphones and realized this number did not match up. One was missing. Mine.
His team followed us back to the school and I saw his second in command getting into a car. Weirdly, she looked like that one chick from Austin Powers 2 that tries to kill Austin the club. I tried to snap a photo...I missed (I thought this was relevant and that you would want to know).
Time jump--My team of RAs were back in their dorms, and were discussing what just happened. For whatever reason, I was in an ornately decorated, very fancy and incredibly spacious public restroom (literally a recurring theme in my dreams) with Nathan Gewecke, a friend and Fraternity brother in real life. I showed him my cell phone and told him what I did, then went to call the government. I had dialed 1-800-GOV-- when my phone rang.
I knew in an instant what this was. Hugo was calling my cell phone so he could figure out who deceived him and come and kill me mercilessly. I did not answer. I'm much too smart for that. I let it go to voice mail.
I knew, however, his team was searching the campus and would discover me sooner or later. I had no plan. I was in this absurd bathroom, with no way out. It was a matter of moments before our banditos burst through the door and captured me.
Then my cat jump on the bed, attacked my foot and leapt directly onto my "special place". I awoke with a start. A painful one at that.
My first thought, "Ouch." My second thought, "Phew. That was a dream. Wait....was it a dream? I can't remember." I reach over and check my phone. No missed calls. Phew. Wait...of course there are no missed calls! I ignored the last one from Hugo! Did this actually happen?
Its 4:15am. I awoke in the middle of a very specific and very intense dream. I have no idea which one is reality and which one isn't. I strongly consider the possibility that I'm in the movie Inception. I wonder if this event actually happened in real life, but I had forgotten about it so they planted this dream in my head to remind me of what I did. For a few moments between 4:20am and 4:27am, I am convinced that is what happened.
Mind you, I haven't even seen Inception. So, of course, this only reinforces the idea that this is really happening. I'm so confused.
So now, a few hours later, I'm at work and I'm still not convinced my dream wasn't just a little bit real. I'm slightly paranoid.
If you need me today I'm under my desk in the fetal position staring at my phone. Which is turned off.
Also, tell Leo to stay out of my head.