Monday, August 30, 2010

Beach Thoughts and Football

Ever read a column by a writer and you can just tell he (or she) didn't put any effort into it? I mean the piece just seethes with gimmicky ploy and abused reputation. As a reader it can be very frustrating when professionals phone it in.

The good news is I'm not a professional writer. In most cases, I'm probably just someone you went to college with or knew from high school. Less likely, you haphazardly navigated to this page by clicking as many links on Facebook as possible. And in one case, you're that creepy guy who keeps sending me pictures of phallic object. Please stop Jimmy. Please stop.

Anywho, this just means that I can't be accused of phoning anything in because no one is paying me to do this...............yet....hopefully. Doubtfully ever. Maybe. But probably not.

I returned from my mini-vacation to Ocean City, MD yesterday. We went with three other couples for four days and had a blast. In between the times when I was laying on the beach, strolling on the boardwalk, or mercilessly being made fun of for tweeting all my thoughts I was...well...tweeting all my thoughts.

Apparently some people find this incredibly lame. I refer to them as "uneducated Neanderthals", they refer to me as "the moron no one is paying attention to."

If you don't know anything about Twitter (and you probably don't because honestly, who does?) I'll briefly explain it and recap some of my thoughts from the beach.

Twitter is a forum where you can post thoughts under 140 characters for you "followers" to read. That's the easy part.

Here's the confusing part. You may have seen people on Facebook who write an @ then someone's name or a # then a word and I presume its left you confused.

Ex. "I went to the beach with @wesbunting and I saw his #buttcheeks" (all of which is true by the way).

The @ sign, similar to Facebook, will tag another Twitter user and post it to the Twitter equivalent of their Facebook news feed. The # sign, called a hash tag, will tag the word and will link to anyone else who hash-tagged that same word. Apparently #justinbieber is a popular one to tag. I wouldn't know the first thing about it.

The below are my tweets from this beach weekend, hash-tagged #beachthoughts as they are my thoughts....from the beach. Any added context is in italics.

From @Quickdraw33 - (you can visit without a twitter account):

- "been at ocean city for 30 min and ive already seen a 65 yr old man getting arrested. will b a good weekend #beachthoughts" (I had never been to Ocean City before, and my wife warned me in advance that there were a lot of unscrupulous people there. I thought she meant they lost their scruples. Turns out thats not a real thing.)

- "boardwalks are a breeding ground for creepers #beachthoughts" (See above. You'll notice this is a bit of a recurring theme.)

- "open container laws are put on hold at the beach...but only if youre wearing a sleeveless shirt and backwards hat #beachthoughts"

- "sand is the herpes of the beach, once you get it on youre stuck for life #beachthoughts" (Probably not the most original thought, but still very true.)

- "nothing says "im cool" like sagging ur bathing suit and carrying a red solo cup. fist pumps aplenty....#beachthoughts"

- "if you are a russian immigrant working a fry stand you should not wear a confederate flag bikini. actually, no one should. #beachthoughts" (Where's a camera when you need it?)

- "seagulls are the homeless people of the ocean. dont drop your french fries. #beachthoughts"

- "this is how a man grills #beachthoughts" (More accurately, 'This is what a man grills')

- "telling an unfunny story at dinner is always very awkward #beachthoughts" (I was trying to recant my Russian immigrant story but a combination of the "you had to be there" effect plus my stutter impeded the story telling and resulted in distracted looks and only one guy laughing. Me.)

- "i have sand in uncomfortable places #beachthoughts" (Of course I did, I was at the beach.)

- "golf at the beach is 100,000 times better than regular golf #beachthoughts" (Start of a great day.)

- "shot a 94 personal best #beachthoughts" (End of a great day. Mind you, I fell apart on the last two holes, had 7's on both. I was playing for! #tootingmyhorn)

- "no trip is complete without a trip to Phillips seafood #beachthoughts" (Start of a bad night.)

- "i dont care what they say, you definitely can eat too much crab meat #beachthoughts" (End of a bad night. Lets just say our bathrooms were well used.)

- "if everyone else at the beach is a scumbag, am i a scumbag by default? #beachthoughts" (Again, my recurring theme. I can't overstate enough how weird people at the beach are. There is no semblance of normal people anywhere.)

- "street performers do not belong at the beach, they belong in the shattered dreams of high school drop outs #beachthoughts" (Its just a fact.)

- "no mater who you are or what youve done, your buttcrack should never be outside your swim suit #beachthoughts"

- "tide changes can be dangerous...especially for keeping bathing suits on #beachthoughts" (This explains all the buttcracks.)

- "truck with 2 kayaks, 2 canoes, 2 bikes and 1 guy with a beard and no shirt driving #beachthoughts" (This was on the way home, and you know exactly what kind of guy I'm talking about.)

So remember to follow me on Twitter my handle is @JustinTimeforBieber. I mean...@Quickdraw33....

Now for a few football thoughts.

Football- Preseason Game 3 Redskins v. Jets

- Shonn Greene is a Coke machine. At least thats how @WesBunting described him. And he would know, he writes professionally for the National Football Post. Now, if we can just figure out a way for me to take his job...

- Trent Williams, rookie left tackle for the Skins, looks fat. Like, borderline nonathletic fat. He's been playing pretty well for a rookie so far and I've been pleased with most of what I've seen...but he's giving Haynesworth a run for his money size wise.

- Not literally of course, Haynesworth has more money that Mr. Monopoly.

- Speaking of Big Al, it was good to see him with the first team getting some action that didn't involve a fist full of cheeseburgers to his face. I'm glad Shanny caved a little and played Al early, putting a stop (for now) to this distracting melodrama. It appears they have buried the hatchet and can move on with the season.

- A season that will involve a hurt Donovan McNabb. Prior to the start of the preseason I asked what the over/under was on a Redskins defensive lineman getting hurt. It was a bit of a reverse jinx in the hopes that none actually would (so far so good). However, I didn't realize the ramifications my pondering would have on McNabb. Here's hoping his ankle heals in time for him to throw 3 interceptions against Dallas in week 1.

- Lets all not forget the Jets were without their best player (Revis) and their defensive scheme was what we like to call "vanilla". So don't get all excited.

- Also, the Jets will not be great this year. Sanchez is a mess.

The moron no one is paying attention to, out.


  1. It's funny. I think you're absolutely right about the Jets but ESPN obviously differs. Or was it NFL Network? Does it matter?

    The Jets have looked sloppy (aside from Shonn Green) and they are banking on a defense now without Calvin Pace for weeks and without Revis until they realize that he's just that fantastic. First cuts are going to be tomorrow. Who is out on the Skins?

  2. I laughed at the McNabb interception sentence. Actually a few lines in that post. Well put.

  3. My confirmation word to post was 'preluve'. What the heck does that even mean?