Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Week 5 Rankings – Don’t Poke the Bear

As I headed into this week I promised myself that if I won I would win gracefully. Not talking a lot of smack, not throwing insults around willy-nilly, and refraining from letting my already large ego run loose, pridefully flaunting my achievements. I wanted to show my fellow league mates how to win, and how to win like you’ve been there before. You win, you move on and prepare to win next week.

Fortunately (for the blog and the league) I did not win. Instead, I let a squirmy little git weasel out of a sticky situation and escape with a hugely undeserved win. Then again, perhaps it was deserved. Who can say?

Me. Now shut up and let me rant.

It looked like it would be a close matchup from the start. Philly Neil’s team boasting Mike Vick, Lesean McCoy, Roddy White and Larry Fitzgerald, and mine with the unstoppable duo of Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson, not to mention Vincent Jackson and Mike Turner. What did I have going for me? Percy Harvin and Ryan Grant making appearances in Neil’s lineup, while counter to them I was starting Darren Sproles and Willis McGahee (newly appointed lead back in Denver). That was my advantage right there, Sproles/McGahee outscoring Harvin/Grant by almost 20 points.

20 points. A funny number. A number every owner wants at least one of their players to reach each week. Or, if you’re Eric Creasman, you have four players score over 26 points (Brees, Peterson, BenJarvus Green-Ellis and Pierre Garcon). As Creasman would probably say it was because he, “Balls outrageous”.

20 points, also something you don’t ever expect your kicker to put up. Alas, the formidable Sebastian Janikowski, netted three 50+ yard FGs, added a 42 yarder and an extra point. Why not, right?! WHY NOT!

Even that I could handle, everyone gets lucky and Seabass was likely defending the late Al Davis’ controversial pick of him in the first round on former Commissioner, Owner, GM and Head Coach’s memorial Sunday.  

What I couldn’t handle was a final play pick-six by the Bengals defense. In a game they had already won, on the final play, they intercept Blaine Gabbert and return it for a meaningless TD. Meaningless for them perhaps, but a crucial 8 points in a fantasy game decided ultimately decided by 9. The last point? A missed PAT by my kicker Mike Nugent…message boards relived the tale saying, “The wind took it.” Whores. Or, consider the -4 points my defense took on a final meaningless TD pass by Big Ben to Mike Wallace in a game they won by about 100. I can make excuses all day, but I still lost and I can’t change that.

That wasn’t what totally upset me though. Sure losing to Neil sucks, but he had a done a commendable job keeping his mouth shut and not boasting about his team, full of underperformers this week. I respected that. Tuesday brings out another beast, however. One unafraid to boast and beat his chest because the final score is posted and he can live happily behind his record.

Yet, on Monday night I remember hearing a different tale from this large chinned mouthed buffoon. A loud talker during the week and on Sunday, I turned Neil into a quivering little girl on game day. He regressed into a self reverse jinxer, a lamenter of sorts, and one who begged Trey Wingo to not let Calvin Johnson catch ANOTHER TD pass. There’s a probably a proverb that says something like, “Those who talk loudest often turn into insufferable sniveling snobs until things go their way again.”

Soon as the pressure of Monday Night Football was off he returns to his façade of masculinity and confidence. Must be nice hiding behind a shroud of lies.

I propose a league vote to re-name his team, “Shroud of Lies”.  I’ll accept that you probably want to re-name my team “Insufferable Snivelling Snobs”. I accept.

That’s the rant, love you Neil. Great win this week. One could argue I’m less upset about losing to you and more upset about having the same record as Jimmy and…..and...NOOOOOORRDDDD!!!!!!!!

The rankings:

10. Bryan Gunst (WheelsGoNonStop)-
Last Week:  7
Change: -3

A new number ten! Congrats! That sound you hear is the last gasp of remorse squeezing out of Gunst as he finishes his 5,000th push-up. One for every minute he regrets trading Greg Jennings for Ryan Fitzpatrick.

9. Sam Persons (Touchdown Jesus)-
Last Week: 9
Change: 0

Who am I to rant and rave about losing to a good team? It’s not like I put up insanely high points or anything. Sam had his best week of the season and would have beat 8 teams in the league this week. Of course, the one he couldn’t beat was Creasy’s. As I say, “Fantasy football…she is a cruel, cruel mistress.”

On the bright side, Cam Newton outscored Phillip Rivers and Andre Johnson is due back next week. Things are looking up!

8. Matt Noordhoff (O Rak^3 Po)-
Last Week: 10
Change: +2

His highest ranking yet! I wonder he’ll start submitting rankings now that he’s not the consensus number ten. Creasman is still ranking him there, however, “On principle.”

7. Jimmy (B-Button Spin Move)-
Last Week: 8
Change: +1

People don’t know what to make of Jimmy’s team. In the past four weeks he’s been ranked 6th, 7th, 8th, and 9th in some order.  When you don’t know how to make fun of Jimmy, do what Creasman does and just say his, “Mom still has fake boobies”. I presume that’s followed up by someone else saying, “He’s not wrong.”

6. TJB (Moose Tracks)
Last Week: 6
Change: 0

NAME CHANGE! Still putting up Carolina Panther like stats and coming home with Carolina Panther like wins. I’d feel bad for the guy…but his inability to win is what’s keeping me ranked in 5th and him stuck in 6th. Might be looking for a new 10th member if this keeps ups…..

Just kidding.

No, but start winning or you’re done here.

5. AJM (deSPEcable me)
Last Week: 5
Change: 0

I think I’ve said enough already.

4. Austin (Pledge Prez)
Last Week: 1
Change: -3

Former roommates and cuddle buddies, Gunst and Austin both drop 3 positions in the rankings this week. Naturally we can blame everyone saying that Austin should easily win against Ricky (without his two best WRs) on his loss. Neil takes a different approach, “If [Ricky] doesn't get Rivers for nothing in that trade, he loses this week. Thanks again Sam.”

To clarify, Sam traded Phillip Rivers for an injured Andre Johnson. Meaning Ricky would have had Dez Bryant on a BYE, and Andre Johnson out due to injury. He would have started Matt Ryan (1 TD pass, terrible fantasy day), Steve Smith (acquired in a trade with TJB), and probably Plaxico Burress. You’re telling me anyone wins with that lineup!?

Sorry Austin. That’s a frustrating way to bring home the first L. I’m sure if this was your blog and if you were as self-centered as I am the opening paragraph would have been all about a cheap loss to Ricky. Hopefully these three paragraphs make up for it. No? I’ll throw in a bonus fourth for free:

Ricky sucks. O’Doyle rules.

3. Neil (Shroud of Lies)-
Last Week: 4
Change: +1

I guess when you beat the former champ you’re allowed to move up in the rankings. Oh, and don’t think for a second I’m not going to milk this “former champ” bit for all its worth. I worked hard last year to get it! I’m not giving it up that easy! Only 9 regular season fantasy weeks left before I’m eliminated from the playoffs….

2. Ricky (Baby’s R Us…probably)
Last Week: 3
Change: +1

A few names that should inspire long-term confidence in this team: Jackie Battle, Montario Hardesty, Plaxico Burress, Brandon Pettigrew. These are the fantasy giants loading up Ricky’s roster. He better hope Forte, MJD and Fred Jackson stay healthy all year…and play during their BYE weeks.

Trading for Steve Smith was a good move….for TJB. I loved his acquisition of Jimmy Graham, Drew Brees’ new favorite target. Great keeper value in the TE over an aging WR who is having a career resurgence. We all know how many seasons “career resurgences” last, don’t we? Don’t we???

One season. They last one season. Man you guys are dumb.

1. Eric Creasman (DayBeers)
Last Week: 2
Change: +1

Congrats on your first week as number one! Don’t expect to hang around, we’ve had five #1’s in six weeks of Power Rankings (including pre-season). Ricky is the only to have a repeat appearance.

To be honest, I think Creasy breaks that trend. Starting Drew Brees, Wes Welker, Miles Austin (returning to the lineup), Rashard Mendenhall and Adrian Peterson….his bench could be full of CNU alum and I’d still rank him #1 overall. Throw in Curtis Painter’s love of throwing TD passes to Pierre Garcon and you’ve got top level guys at all positions but TE.

What’s that? You wanna give me Welker for Owen Daniels? I dunno….throw in Mendy and you’ve got a deal. Tell you what. Drive down to Newport News and throw Neil in the James River and I’ll give you him for free. 

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