Friday, April 16, 2010

It's Monday...and I'm Tired. Sports edition!

I don't think there's much to get worked up about in life. You lost your job? Chances are you didn't love it to begin with. Your car got totaled? This time try not buying a Toyota. Lost your leg in a freak gasoline fight? Wooden pegs look pretty cool.

I just think we waste too much time getting worked up about simple things. I believe this is generally true...except about sports.

And because of that, I will now express my disdain for Washington sports. We'll call it a long overdue breakdown of why the sporting world should revolve around me. Or, 'It's Monday, I'm tired and you need a reason to not do work for 15 minutes.'

I consider myself a tortured sports fan. I grew up on Washington sports teams. The Redskins, Wizards, Capitals and DC United. When the Expos were relocated to Washington I adopted the aptly named Nationals to my arsenal of under-performing and inept sports regimes.

As you well know, the above teams are more or less perennial disappointments. Sure, plenty of cities have struggling sports franchises...but I don't live in them and I don't care about them. Remember, this is about the sports world revolving around me. Get your head in the game!

Its not just that Washington sports have been such a let down this decade, its that I'm too young to remember the "glory days" of Washington success. I wish I remembered the Redskins under Joe Gibbs, when they were considered a football powerhouse. Now? Even the Oakland Raiders laugh at our management. Washington is an accumulation of unmanageable players paired with incompetent front offices. The Wizards and Redskins have been "rebuilding" for the past 10 years and have nothing to show for it. Who knows? Maybe I'm being over dramatic.

The Wizards did assemble their "Big Three" a few years ago: Gilbert Arenas, Antwan Jamison and Caron Butler. But look where they are now! Two are in the playoffs for other teams and one is in a halfway house! That's not a Big Three! A "Big Three" is KG, Pierce and Allen. Kobe, Pau, and Odom. LeBron and two corpses.

The Redskins never got it together. We suffered through year after year of expensive past-their-prime free agents and coaching experiments. The Nationals are still the Expos...except now they're plaguing the DC area. The Wizards not only have the worst name in major professional sports, but they also have the worst jerseys and the fourth worst record in the league. Sure, DC United has had some 1999! This season they're boasting a wild 0-4 record. The Capitals have been a force in the NHL this year but they are cursed in the playoffs and have not had great success in the post season. Let's be honest, who wants to say their city's best sports teams are soccer and hockey?

Sarah Palin and that foreign kid who wears unisex jeans, thats who.

And to be frank, you have to have a pretty positive viewpoint to trust this guy to be your cities sport's savior.-->

DC is now in the "We're blowing all our teams up because nothing is working" stage. Dropping the guillotine on anyone and everyone who has an expensive contract. You know, except those guys that are head cases like Arenas and Haynesworth. Gilbert and Albert....the $100 million dollar men. This needs to be a TV sitcom. We'll call it 200 Million Reasons to Hate DC Sports. Someone make this happen.

And to top it all off the Redskins, who are trying to re-shape their image in the league by firing everyone except the water boy, have gone and done the unspeakable! Look, I get it, the 'Skins were desperate for an elite level quarterback and from a personnel standpoint the McNabb trade was excellent. But how the heck am I supposed to root for Donovan McNabb for 3-5 years? This is a guy I've been conditioned to hate for as long as I can remember! I've had to watch him run, pass, juke, roll, and hobble past the Skins defense. Now I have to cheer him on like he's a true Brave?

I get that the Redskins are making a ton of major changes and it looks like they might actually have a 'bounce-back' season. And maybe I'll be OK with this if the Skins win twice as many games as last year (which isn't a major accomplishment by any stretch of the imagination). Even still, I'm still stuck with a Wizards team void of any marketable players, a Nationals team that I honestly couldn't care less about and a Caps team that will inevitably bow out early in the playoffs leaving us with another frustratingly disappointing season.

I dunno... after all this a peg leg sounds pretty good.


  1. there is no bounce-back season for the redskins. offseason champions, they will always remain. GO CAPS.

  2. "If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident."