Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Fantasy League

As I've mentioned a few times before in this space (so start paying attention!), I will be writing about my fantasy league and posting weekly awards. This is something I started last year and am planning to continue as I didn't receive nearly as much negative feedback as I anticipated.

However, its difficult to be invested in something you don't know much about. I'm sure there's a financial planning joke I could make here but my finance professor's name was Art Gudikunst and I can't be expected to pay attention to a man with a name like that.

In order to get you properly invested, I've created a rundown of all the members in the league. It comes complete with nicknames, running jokes, interesting facts and hopefully a few embarrassing stories. If this goes as planned, I should be about as popular as Mike Vick at a PETA meeting.

It's a Yahoo! league (I'm reaching for a sponsorship) consisting of me and 9 of my Sigma Phi Epsilon brothers from college. The league name is The Ducal Crown for two reasons, 1) fraternity symbolism and 2) because it gives us a reason to create an obnoxiously large crown for the winner of the league.

The Ducal Crown

Name: Eric Creasman
Team Name: GoldenSkulls
Nicknames: Creasman, Creasy, The Most Interesting Man in the World
Running Jokes: Creasman is know to be a "big baller" and is a founding member of the "Excessive Spenders" club in college. He also considers himself to be the most famous person he's ever met....and he's met a lot of famous people.
Important Skills: Going 10 rounds with Jose Cuervo, then not moving from a lawn chair the rest of the night. We haven't confirmed he's still living yet.
Etc: Its estimated that 80% of the league forgot his first name is Eric. He's one of those one name figures like Rhianna. Yea....he's just like Rhianna.

Name: Tom Livengood
Team Name: Sluts R Us
Nicknames: Uncle Cracka, Grandpa, Creepy Old Guy, Subtitles
Running Jokes: It is a commonly held belief that Tom graduated at the age of 34 with a Bachelor's Degree in Finishing on Time. He's like Van Wilder, only less handsome and without a hilarious Pakistani sidekick. Tom requires subtitles as he mumbles worse than a nervous 3rd grader at his first day of school.
Important Skills: Unnatural ability to quote all lines from Family Guy seasons 1-5.
Etc: Once open mouthed kissed a horse...probably. I'd believe it.

Name: Rick May
Team Name: Corn on the Schaub
Nicknames: Ricky, Bones, Mr. Katie Nelson
Running Jokes: Has just enough muscle on his body to keep his skin connected to his bones. Offers sound financial advice. Would run away with baseball and marry it in Vegas if possible.
Important Skills: Reigning champion of the league which, by default, makes him a huge jerk. Lethal with a football. Has been known to knock intramural flag football players out by drilling them in the temple with the ball. Cannot be out thrown.
Etc: Once blew away after a large gust of wind came through his window. We found him three states over stuck in a tree. Called the fire department to get him down. Cute lil guy.

Name: Jimmy Hostetler
Team Name: B-Button Spin Move
Nicknames: Jimmy Dean, The Paris Hilton of Sausage,
Running Jokes: Known to tear important knee ligaments by drop kicking locked doors.
Important Skills: Will beat you at any chosen video game. Can get you a discount on custom made t-shirts from CustomInk (pulling for another sponsorship). Displays incredible ability in choosing a little brother in the fraternity (see: me). Vehemently believes that he can out-throw Bones with a
soggy football using
his left hand.
Etc: A key member of the Excessive Spender's club. Paid for all my essentials in college. The big three, video games, fast food, and beer (but not until I was 21...cause I'm a good boy).

Name: Sam Persons
Team Name:
Touchdown Jesus
Nicknames: Sam Wise, Rohan, Sam-a-lam-a-ding-dong,
Running Jokes: He's diabetic and wears glasses. This stuff writes itself.
Important Skills: Watching all the nerdy shows I watch, and rooting for the Redskins. Did I mention I love this guy? Plays a mean guitar. Has a penchant for showing up in multiple pictures with everyone in this league.
Etc: Odd resemblance to Ferris Bueller, both in appearance and the way he spends his days off.

Name: Matt Noordhoff
Team Name:
O Rak Rak Rakpo
Nicknames: Noord, Gasket, The Big Bear, PAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Running Jokes: Laugh sounds like a gasket being blown of a 4.2 liter Hemi running the quarter mile under 10 seconds. I don't know what any of that means but I'm positive its accurate. Prefers to date younger women.
Often confuses Sigma Phi Epsilon with Lamda Chi Alpha.
Important Skills: Bears an excellent resemblance to Dwight Schrute, as seen in the picture at the bottom of the previous post. Has odd sleeping habits. I know from rooming with him for a year. Occasionally sits bolt up-right, stares at you eyes open, then falls right back to sleep with no recollection of the event the following morning.
Etc: H
e is known to pee naked in the closets of his girlfriends. I'll let you decide if this is true or not.

Name: Austin Perry
Team Name:
Pledge Prez Perry
Nicknames: Per Per, Per Squared, Per^2, Percarrottwo, Perdophile
Running Jokes: Spent the early part of his college career writing raps for various occasions. Has been in and held leadership positions in every student organization on campus. Particularly, Women in Leadership and the acappella group "Here Comes Treble".
Important Skills: Inability to remember the owners of fantasy teams. For some reason can't put together that it was Tom who named his team "Sluts R Us". Loves Harry Potter as much as I do. Gifted left-fielder.
Etc: Two years ago Austin's ex-girlfriend won the fantasy league and she didn't draft or update her team the entire year. We have since disallowed females from competition.

Name: Bryan Gunst
Team Name:
Nicknames: Wheels, B-gunst, Melissa's little brother, Neil's Boyfriend
Running Jokes: His sister got to wear our fraternity letters before he did. Enjoys saying things like, "Bro" and "Dude". Still believes long boarding is cool.
Important Skills: An experienced get-away driver. His sleepy eyes never let you know if he is awake, falling asleep, or just woke up from a nap.
Etc: An exquisite date planner.

Name: Neil Morrisette
Team Name: Team Ralph
Nicknames: Ralph, Wheel's Boyfriend
Running Jokes: Very large teeth. Middle name is Ralph. Drafted Clinton Portis and Terrell Owens with his first two picks last year. Finished last.
Important Skills: Not being good at fantasy football. Working on a llama farm. Scaring off girls. Coming up with original names for fantasy teams.
If things don't go well, there is a 15% he grows up to be Tom Livengood.

Name: AJ McGraw
Team Name: deSPEcable me
Nicknames: Quickdraw, Apple Jacks, Appletini
Running Jokes: Michele and I are Jim and Pam from The Office and it makes every body else want to puke. I'm incredibly gifted in many ways. Most people I meet want to be me. My first alcoholic beverage was an appletini, and I'm dang proud of it.
Important Skills: Giving high fives. Writing asinine blogs. Being snarky. Overreacting. Drinking girly drinks because they make me feel fancy.
Etc: Once spent an entire intramural flag football game running around yelling at the top of his lungs, like a crazed howler monkey, in an attempt to spur his team to victory. It resulted in an a considerable amount of awkward looks and a lot of de-friendings on Facebook.

There you have it. The majority of this is true, and the rest is extremely true. I hope you haven't lost all respect for me and my buddies; we're about as functional as first release iPhones.

Stay tuned for more updates, we have our fantasy draft this weekend which should provide plenty of material, perchance even a photo journal. So check back here next week...or else Sam will appear in a photo beside you.

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