Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Fantasy Football Week 5 Awards

Finally. A Perfect Sunday. The planets are in harmony. The deers, shrews and field mice all sing in unison because the world is in perfect order.

Not only did the Washington Redskins beat the Green Bay Packers, but I won games in both my fantasy leagues and, apparently, this turns me into a grass-sniffing, leaf preserving hippie. So we're winning and learning valuable lessons at the same time. I feel like a PBS special.

Speaking of PBS, Reading Rainbow was a great show.

On to fantasy awards for the 5th week of the season! To the bottom top of the league we go!

The Misleading Record Part I Award- Ricky improves his record to an impressive 5-0 but, as it is with statistics, there's always more to the story than just the numbers. Something baseball nerds fans fail to understand. Sure he's won 5 games in a row, but how has he done it? Ricky's team has the lowest total of points scored against over 50 points! So Ricky clearly has had the easiest schedule to date and continues to win, despite being in the bottom half of the league in points scored. Parity, thy name is non-existent in fantasy football.

Unfortunately, in Week 6 Ricky goes up against Tom's bottom ranked team, the lowest scoring unit in the league. We can book Ricky for a sixth straight win, but expect some losses after that! (These are things bitter losers say to explain why they aren't in first place).

The New Disease Award- Now we'll get to the bottom of the league. Team Ralph continues to suffer Unfortunate Matchup Syndroms, or UMS. Its a diagnosable disease and, although it is not contagious it is highly infective. Ralph has the second most points scored, but the 3rd most points scored against. Tough luck for the guy.

And now a PSA for all fantasy football players: Be sure to get tested for UMS. It is a little know disease that should be taken seriously. If you notice you are increasingly grumpy on Tuesday mornings after you check your final score or you begin to rationalize your losses and convince yourself they're really wins, you should see a licensed physician immediately. If you feel a sudden increase in irritability or have the desire to make irrational trades, please do so but only with my team. UMS...its more than a confusing sound, its something to think about.

The My Team Owns You Award- With an award this cocky you know I'm going to give it to myself. I'll share it with Wheels because it will drive my point home. Gunst had four players on his team score over 25 points. FOUR! Thats 100 points from less than half of his team. Yet, if Wheels and I played this week I still would have beaten him. My team, having only two players score more than 25 points, posted 140 points, 8 more than Wheels. Thus proving my total fantasy football domination, know-how, and crafty team management.

I'm like the Mr. Miagi of fantasy football. Except, not as good and I can't train you how to do it.

The Womp Womp Award- Former Frat-All Star, and current retiree, Eric Creasman's fantasy score prompted the same reaction as his announcement to renounce the "frat" life did. Blank stares, agape mouths, and gentle crying. In a league where Gunst can have two players combine for 50 points, Creasman's entire team almost got to that number. And guess what team he was playing? Ricky's. Of course.

Also, welcome to the "un-frat" life Eric. Now that you've retired you will be referred to by your first name and you get to join the club I started for fraternity members who live an undistinguished "frat" life. We have member's only jackets.

The "Of Course!" Award- I'm hoping to make this new award a regular each week due to its inherent relevance and comedic value. I'll test drive it the first week.

I traded Jimmy two WRs for Cleveland Browns RB Peyton Hillis who has been running like an armored car so far this season. First of all, this goes directly against my "never have any Browns players on your team" rule, but I made an exception. Of course I made an exception. Exceptions to your rules always turn out well. Secondly, the day the trade between us processed, the Browns announce that Hillis has been added to the injury report and will be limited in his playing time Sunday. Of course he was! Fortunately, his fantasy day was salvaged by a receiving touchdown. But go figure that happens as soon as I trade for the guy.

Ok, so that was pretty good. The steering is a little stiff, but the gas mileage is great. I think this award works as long as its not a constant grip about my team. We'll see how it goes.

Quick Hitters-
The Bear Cave Award- JimmyDean boasts the highest points against total, and a subpar 2-3 record. For the second consecutive week Jimmy has played the highest or second highest scoring team in the league. He's about as lucky as a honey coated man walking into a bear cave.

The Schaub the Poop Deck Award- Sam's 2nd round draft pick, QB Matt Schaub a player who led the league in passing last year, has been a colossal fantasy disappointment this season. If you read my columns on iSportsWeb you'd know that the Texans are running the ball a lot more and their starting left tackle is suspended and his backup started his first game this season. Thus, Schaub is forced into quick throws and poor decisions. Thats the kind of insight you get from this guy. Someone give me a paid writing job. I'll settle for ESPN or SportsIllustrated. Maybe the Yahoo! Sports Department if I must.

Misleading Record Part II Award- Noord sits comfortably in second place with a 4-1 record. As always, thats not the whole story. He has had the second fewest points scored against his team, and has scored the fourth fewest points of any team. He's beaten 3 of the bottom 4 teams in the league, and my team when crucial starters were on a Bye and Mark Sanchez was starting for me. We'll see if his 3 game win streak continues when he's missing three of his best players this week.

Predictions- Ricky wins, Noord loses, I continue to make excuses and obsess over meaningless statistics to reason why I'm not in first place....yet. I also predict that since this week was a Perfect Sunday, next week will be a Black Sunday. Skins lose, as do both my fantasy teams.

Ok, time to go catch up on my DVR. I have a few episodes of Reading Rainbow to watch.


  1. The Best Fantasy Football Consultant award goes to ME. You run all your trades by me first, and I help you make the best decision. This award goes to the most under appreciated albeit most important person around. So, you’re welcome.

  2. My award was a bit unfair. I have had point totals for the past two weeks that would have beaten nearly any other team in the league... other than my opponent.