Thursday, October 14, 2010

3 Things: Gilbert, NHL, and DC Fans

I understand that I'm about as multi-dimensional as Flat Stanley. I write about football or fantasy football. Occasionally I'll mention a TV show no one is watching. So I'm gonna make like a well structured portfolio and diversify myself.

There are three things I'd like to bring to the table this morning. Number one is actually number zero. Rather, Agent Zero.

Agent Zero- Gilbert Arenas, or, as you know him, that homeless bearded guy who points guns at everyone, is struggling to stay out of the media's harsh and imposing glare. Arenas gets a bad rap. In fact, a terrible rap. And rightfully so. He lacks what we call "common sense". He goes about each day like one of us would. We make jokes with our friends, we do stupid stuff, we make ridiculous claims and its all good because nobody actually cares what we do on a daily basis.

Gil, however, fails to understand that every action he takes has an incredible impact because he represents a professional basketball team, a major sports city and himself. When he was in trouble for bringing guns into the locker room, he clearly failed to see what the issue was. The locker room is his place of work. I don't get to bring a glock into my office and keep it in my desk. I keep it taped to the bottom of my chair. Duh. No, just kidding. I'm not a self-involved nincompoop.

When Gil says something like, "I lost all feeling a long time ago. Basketball is basketball..." or when his press day photos through the years look like this, or even better, like this, you have to wonder what is going on with this guy and why he is so far out of touch with reality. I bet he still thinks Pluto is a planet.

He even said he wants to help John Wall get ready to take over the team so he (Gil) can move on. Has anyone wanted to be a part of anything less, ever? Maybe Dwayne Johnson when he filmed The Tooth Fairy.

Now Gil is faking injuries to help teammates get more playing time. By the way, I think this is a great gesture, but a moronic move! You are a professional athlete. Being paid millions of dollars to play basketball. You don't get to call in sick. Each day I worry more and more that Gilbert will show up with a Dennis Rodman hair-do and start thanking his therapist for helping him win a championship.

Number 2.

The NHL- I am happy to admit right now that I am a casual Washington Capitals fan. They are my team in hockey, and I will root for them relentlessly, but I will not know every player on the team. In fact, outside of the Capitals I don't claim to know a ton about hockey. But here is what I do know.

There are two great players in hockey (a generalization, but go with it). The first is Capital's All-Star Alexander Ovechkin, the Russian monster who everyone claims is the best player in the league. The second is the ugly hamster looking Canuck, Sidney Crosby of the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Two things you need to know:
1) There is a rivalry between the Penguins and the Capitals due to many years of facing each other in the playoffs.
2) Crosby has a Stanley Cup. Ovechkin does not.
2a) The Stanley Cup is the trophy you win when you win the Super Bowl in hockey (just appealing to my reader's who don't know hockey).

The NHL is not a terribly mainstream sport in America, even though its popularity is growing. So, in order to help everybody understand the biggest rivalry between the biggest players in hockey I've come up with this comparison.

Alexander Ovechkin is LeBron James. Sidney Crosby is Kobe Bryant. This works because I hate Kobe, and I also think LeBron is ugly.

Ovie wins in the regular season. Last year the Capitals won the President's Trophy, the award given the team with the best regular season record. Ovie wins Hart Trophies, the award given the MVP of the league (he won it in 2008 and 2009). Ovie leads the league in scoring, and points, and all these hockey things I don't care to understand fully.

Ovie also flames out in the playoffs. He doesn't get it done, he doesn't perform. He's forced to carry his team.

You know who else won back-to-back MVPs and consistently wins the regular season? Who also can't win in the playoffs? LeBron James.

On the other hand, Crosby wins championships. Thats what he does. He wins in the clutch, he wins in the playoffs, he wins in the Olympics. He's a winner. He makes the players around him better. Like Kobe does. Crosby isn't glamorous, in fact he's quite disgusting, but he is efficient.

The only good thing about hockey is the players sign ridiculously long contracts. Ovie's is for something like 13 years. I don't think I have worry about him taking his talents to the Florida Panthers anytime soon.

Number 3.

DC/Metro Area Fans- I was once proud to be a member of this group. A heartily dedicated group who stuck through things think and thin. Always remembering the glory days of old.

Now? A bunch of wishy-washy, non-commital, pansies who don't know how to believe in anything. They live life with a constantly negative outlook and can never accept the good things around them.

The Redskins have beaten two division rivals and one of the top ranked teams in the NFC yet Skins fans want to complain about how we suck and it won't last. You know what? Who cares if it doesn't last!? Who cares if we don't win another game? Enjoy our 3-2 record, enjoy being at the top of the NFC East, and support your team.

Or I will make you spend a long weekend with Jim Zorn and Gilbert Arenas.

1 comment:

  1. AJ, you have a typo in your post about sidney crosby, it's spelled "whiner". the thing you'll have to learn as a caps fan is to ignore the fact that crosby has a cup, b/c at the end of the day he still goes home to his bedroom in mario lemieux's basement.