Fantasy Football Week 1 Awards

The world is a confusing place sometimes. We wait all Summer to finally get to Fall so we can sit inside for 12 hours on a Sunday afternoon and watch NFL football. Hey, I don't make the rules. I just follow them obediently and without question.

To me, there really isn't much better than sitting on the couch, laptop in hand, watching the games and following my fantasy team. Well, it'd be more fun if my fantasy teams were winning. Which they weren't. Or if the Redskins played during the day. Which they didn't. Or if.... never mind, I"m griping.

I'm clearly bitter this morning, and I'm blaming it on losing my game this week.....by 70 points.

So we'll start where we always do, at the bottom of the league...this time, with me!

The Running Up a Down Escalator Award Best Use of a Wasted Effort- This award goes to my team. As I mentioned I lost by 70 points, but there is a lot more to it than that. I played the only team in the league to score over 100 points. And it wasn't just a few points over 100, it was 40 points over 100. I played the one idiot in the league during the miracle week he put up 140 points. I suppose some credit is given to Wheels for putting together a great team this week, but I don't want to give it to him.

The facts, however, look like this. It appears my players were well aware that Arian Foster would run for 231 yards, and 3 TDs and that Chris Johnson would run for 142 yards and 2 TDs, and that Miles Austin would catch 1 TD pass and 146 yards, and that.....you get the picture. My team decided to take the day off, accumulating only two touchdowns. For perspective, two of Wheel's players accounted for 5 TDs, and 9 of mine accounted for 2. It wasn't meant to be. I'm chalking this one up to my team resting for big games next week.

The BP-Executive Award for Mis-Management- This week Austin takes home the prize for leaving 53 points on his bench. Perry's starting two WRs (Marques Colston and Mike Sims-Walker) combined for 6 points, and Marques Colston had 6 of them. On his bench, however, was Hakeem Nicks (3 TDs, and 25 fantasy points), Legadu Naanee (17 fantasy points), and Jeremy Maclin (10 fantasy points). Per Per also had the extreme misfortune of having 13th round quarterback Carson Palmer score more points than first rounder Aaron Rodgers. If there is ever a day you are punching yourself in the throat repeatedly because you started all the wrong players in fantasy, it was Sunday. And it was Austin. Hey, at least you got an award for it.

Additional Gripe- After the 1 o'clock games ended, I had four players on my team who had accumulated a combined 23 points compared to Wheels who had four players with a combined score of 98 points. It was at this time I put the cat in the oven.

Side note: I meant literally put my cat in the oven, but doesn't that sound like a weird expression that could be used today? I'm going to use it to mean a gross mis-judgement or overreaction.

Old Spice Old Man Battle of the Week- As I mentioned in the previous awards post, Tom and Creasman faced off in an epic battle filled with more ear hair, wrinkles and forgotten turn signals than one can stand. Creasman, who is actually our most senior member not Tom as previously presumed, cruised to victory thanks to Peyton Manning and his 433 yards. That was not a typo, Peyton went crazy in a losing effort. Also not a typo? Tom starting Eli Manning at QB who managed 22 fantasy points despite throwing 3 interceptions. Sometimes fantasy football confuses me. This is one of those times.

The Huggy Bear Award for Emo Statuses- A unique trait many fantasy owners have is the inability to remain emotionally detached from their players. It's like Stockholm Syndrome, but for football...and not kidnapping. This rears its head when people reject trades because they over value what they already posses. Even if the trade is fair, they don't want to part with something they own. However, this also shows itself in the wasted effort of fantasy owners berating, or encouraging, their players on the fantasy page. I like to make fun of the people who do this. Notably, Jimmy and Bones.

Bones had Saint's running back Pierre Thomas in his starting lineup for Thursday's game against the Vikings. Thomas did not get any playing time in the first half, which led to an aggravated, bewildered and panicking Ricky texting, twittering, and status-updating everyone he knew to lament Pierre's lack of playing time. Well, Pierre finished the game with almost 90 total yards and touchdown, accumulating 15 fantasy points, a great effort for a RB. He really put the cat in the oven on that one.

Here are a few quick hit awards to speed us up:

"The Situation" Award for Being the Best of the Worst-  After the first week of football you're either 1-0 or 0-1. Sam however is the top ranked losing team, having scored more points than all the other teams who lost. Congrats Sam, you're the best of the worst.

Miller Lite "Good Call" of the Week- Bones for picking up Ryan Grant's backup Brandon Jackson. Grant did something bad to his ankle. Bad enough that the Green Bay front office is calling it...."significant". That is a red flag. Smart pick up by Ricky who now has 7 running backs. Classic Ricky.


The Jamarcus Russell Award for Failing- In a surprise move, I'm giving this to Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez. Not only is he the starter for a team many think will make the Super Bowl, he is highly touted among house wives and people from California who casually watch football once or twice a year. Sanchez, in the season opener, threw for a mightily impressive 74 yards, 0 tds, with a passer rating of 56.4. You are a professional football player! On a good team! You might want to consider another profession...like knitting. Or, playing a starring role in Jimmy's dreams.

Predictions for next week: I will respect my elders and lose to Creasman, extending my losing streak to two. The Texans will beat the Redskins, Wheels will score less than 90 fantasy points, someone on my team will get injured.

You heard it here first. Which means I was the first person to be wrong.