Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Fantasy Football Week 3 Awards

I'm in a dark place right now. This stat explains everything: Since 2008, the St. Louis Rams are 2-1 versus the Redskins and 2-30 vs all other teams.

The ineptitude knows no bounds. When your punter gets hurt in warm-ups and your place kicker has to take over, you know things are looking grim. Even more so when your place kicker then has the following series of kicks: missed game winning field goal, kick-off out of bounds, and blocked punt. I haven't seen a group of professionals give a less inspired performance since Valentine's Day premiered.

I'm not ready to abandon ship on the Skins' season yet, but I am willing to strongly consider switching to baseball. HAH! Sorry, I just had to see what it looked like if I typed it out. Seriously, the season is still going on. What a nightmare. I'm supposed to be interested in a Red Sox v. Yankees rivalry when the Bo-Sox are already eliminated from the playoffs and the Yankees have clinched? You're telling me its fun to watch a bunch of over-payed athletes, officially playing for no reason other than contractual obligation, jog around some bases and adjust their jock straps?

Also, the Pirates have lost 101 games this season. I just wanted to remind you that this game is a moronic excuse for a well-managed sport and only serves the purpose of filling air time on SportsCenter until the NFL, NBA and NHL start.

On to the awards! (No, I'm totally not bitter about the Redskins losing. Go away.)

The Jamarcus Russell Award for Failure- I have to give this award to Bryan Gunst this week. Wheelman has been starting Brett Favre at quarterback the past two weeks while leaving Kyle Orton on his bench. At first glance you'd say, "Pretty smart decision. Brett Favre is, like, the best athlete in America, right?" Then you remember that he has no wide receivers to throw to, he plays on a run first team, his ankle is partially detached from his foot, he had no interest in playing this season until a group of guys came and forced him to come back, and that he's BRETT FAVRE! You didn't think he was going to throw 7 interceptions all season again did you? He's already got six in three games!

Meanwhile, Kyle Orton has been quietly having a tremendous fantasy season. His fantasy points through the first three weeks have been 17, 25, and 26. He's on a pass first team with a lot of budding targets. Eddie Royal has been his most consistent threat, but Jabaar Gaffney and Brandon Lloyd have had career resurgences and made a big fantasy impact. Let's not forget rookie DeMaryius Thomas who is the size of small building at 6'3" 229lbs making his first career starts. Meanwhile, the running back situation is atrocious. The starting back Knowshon Moreno, is often hurt, plus his nickname is KnoMo. As in, "Please, no more! NO MORE!"

Granted, Wheels traded Favre and Reggie Wayne for Tom Brady and a useless Bear's reciever (Knox), but why give up Indy's #1 wide reciever for Tom Brady? Kyle Orton has just four fewer fantasy points on the season, and its not like they're going to decide to run the ball all of a sudden. Just some thoughts from a compulsive fantasy non-expert.

The Placing of the Cat into the Oven Award- Noord steals this award for his fantasy status reading, "Redskins blow the game and I'm getting tuned up this week...double fail." Sure this status was in regards to last week's game against the Texans, but its applicable this week as well. I just feel like I've seen this status posted multiple times in our fantasy leagues over the years, "Redskins blow just like my fantasy team."

I hate being a Redskins fan sometimes.

One More Wheel's Thought- The Brady trade was timed terribly as well. The trade didn't process until Sept 27th, or Monday afternoon. Why make a trade that doesn't impact the immediate week? Wheel's ended up losing to Ricky because Favre only scored 9 points, instead of Brady's 28. That would have secured the win for Wheels....then again, starting Orton would have as well.

The Michael Keaton Award for Desperate Measures- I'm throwing Bones a bone here with another award. I think he's got a consecutive hits streak of about 24 weeks with an award. Ricky has been desperately trying to make a trade this week (you know, because its been almost a week since his last one). This time its a package deal including Anquan Boldin and Brandon Jackson. Consequently, Anquan Boldin....gotta be one of the coolest names ever. Name your first son Anquan Boldin and tell me he isn't automatically the coolest kid in school.

Anyway, Boldin torched the Browns this week with 3 touchdowns and over 140 yards receiving. This led to Ricky's fire-sale of Boldin attempting to "sell-high". I think Boldin has a good season the rest of the way because he's the number one guy in Baltimore, but lets not was against the Browns. I also scored three touchdowns in a game once. Sure it was during recess at my elementary school, and I may have been 18 at the time, but I should have gotten a college scholarship based on that fact alone. Ricky is getting desperate and taking any measure to trade for a #1 RB.

I'm so freaking clever its annoying.

That said, I'm willing to take Boldin off your hands Ricky. And Pierre Thomas...for Ray Rice and DeMaryius Thomas. should do that.

Double-Triple Reverse Jinx Confusion- Before the start of the 1 o'clock games, I texted Jimmy (my opponent this week) and told him that Brown's running back Jerome Harrison was inactive and Peyton Hillis was getting the start. Jimmy has both players on his team, but they were benched. Sure, it was a poor attempt from me to try to convince Jimmy to start a Browns running back over Frank Gore, Matt Forte, or Santana Moss, and no it did not work. I couldn't be happier that it didn't. Hillis ended up rushing for over 140 yards, and Matt Forte finished the day with 42 total yards. In a game that was decided by 4 fantasy points, I'm pleased with my double-reverse jinx of the Brown's running back. With my firm belief that Hillis will be a stud while he's starting, you can expect him to get hurt next week.

The Miller Lite "Good Call" Award- I never thought Neil would get this award....but he does. He has been hurting for a tight end since he botched his draft, and this week he cleverly picked up Tony Moeaki, of the Kansas City Chiefs. He's been having a sneaky good fantasy season for a no-name tight end, having 8, 5 and 10 fantasy points in his first three weeks. He's a candidate for being the new Brent Celek.

The Brent Celek Award- Not really an award, just an excuse to gripe about Brent Celek and the Eagles. I was under the impression Kevin Kolb was starting this year in Philadelphia and that he and Brent Celek had established a great repertoire with each other. Last season in Kolb's two starts, Celek had over 100 yards in each game. Now Mike Vick comes along and screws this all up and now I have to start Aaron Hernandez because Vick doesn't like tight ends. Jerk.

Quick Hits-
- Austin's team can't decide if it wants to score a ton of points or just a few. Week one he posted 73 points, week two 121, and week three 76.  Make up your mind!
- It's a really tight league, as Neil pointed out in his status this week. Lots of close games. This week three games were decided by 5 points or less. I've now scraped together back to back wins by a combined total of  4.62 points. I'm a dropped pass away from being 0-3. Gulp.
- I will get decimated this week because I don't have a backup RB to start in place of Jamaal Charles and Mark Sanchez will be my starting QB. Happy victory Noord.
- The Redskins players were pulling Steven Jackson's legs apart on the play he got injured. That was despicable and incredibly dirty. I'm not proud of the Redskins players for that, we got our just due by having the backup RBs shred our defense.
- Ralph is in 6th place, officially registering his highest ranking in fantasy football ever. Congrats.
- The Game of the Week will be Wheels vs. Creasman. Both have teams full of talent who can explode for big points. I think this will be a close match up and one to keep an eye on.

I want to make a trade with someone because its fun. Hit me up.

Predictions- I score under 80 points this week, Ricky improves to 4-0, and Neil will lose to Tom because Adrian Peterson is on a bye. Also, the Redskins test my loyalty by playing really well all game then losing at the end, making me think, "Hey, we're really not THAT bad. Just need to put together a complete game and avoid that one big mistake."

Same thing I've been saying for the past decade....

You heard it here first, which means I was the first one to be wrong.

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