Thursday, September 9, 2010

I Hate the Cowboys

It's Dallas week in Washington, which means Redskins fans are salivating at the opportunity to go after the Cowboys Sunday night in the nation's capital. Meanwhile, Cowboys fans look forward to a real challenge against a natural rival...their week 3 match up against the Houston Texans.

It's no surprise the Cowboys/Redskins rivalry has lost some steam in recent years. So what if the Cowboys have won 19 of the last 26 match ups? So what if the Redskins can't get out of the bottom of the division? So what if we need the quarterback of another division rival to actually have a shot at beating them?

I don't care. I have plenty of reasons to hate the Dallas Cowboys. More importantly, you have plenty of reasons to hate the Dallas Cowboys. And seeing as this blog is all about me, you get to look at it through the eyes of a Redskins fan.

First of all, where do they get off self proclaiming that they're America's team? I was taught Native Americans occupied this land first, a people the Redskins proudly represent (and simultaneously demean with their name). If any team represents this land, it's the one that resides in the capital and pays homage to the noble people who first inhabited the land. Not the lawless, gunslinging, philanderers who pillaged the land and taught us that tobacco is cool and isn't something that will slowly kill you.

Secondly, in a normal world, when I think of a greedy, immature, self-righteous owner I should think of Dan Snyder, the Redskins head honcho. Instead, my thoughts turn to Jerry Jones. Dallas provides the pinnacle of self-absorbed ownership willing to spend blindly solely to gain media attention, set records for attendance, and whore out the very good name of American Football. Jerry Jones represents everything wrong with our nation. Don't believe me? He got his money out of oil and gas. Probably the two things American's hate the most right now other than terrorism and toll roads (No, I'm not equating Jerry Jones to a terrorist. Not in writing at least).

Not only does he represent big business's dominance over the market, he reeks a noxious odor of entitlement and greed. This is a man who fired a fan-favorite coach Tom Landry unceremoniously after 29 years of service to the team, and then ran the next coach out of town after he won two Super Bowls! That coach, Jimmy Johnson, is considered to be one of the greatest, being one of two men to win a college football national championship and a Super Bowl.

Let's not forget Jerry Jones' penchant for ranting, raving and making incendiary comments about other figures in the league, including but not limited to Bill Parcells and Tim Tebow. The stench of this man! Quite the leader the Dallas Cowboys have. Do I even need more reasons to hate them? No. But I have them!

How about the Cowboys' ability to maintain center stage and be considered a perennial contender year after year when they've achieved so little and consistently disappointed so many? The Cowboys have made the playoffs four times this decade, played 5 games and won only one! That's a 20% win percentage in the playoffs. Yet every September I have to hear about how this team will be in the Super Bowl. Is that what Jerry Jones sold his soul for? Because its not working.

Heck, the Redskins boast a higher playoff win percentage this decade at 50%. Sure they've only been twice, but at least we're converting at a faster rate than the Dallas dream girls.

Look, if you want to sit around and discuss potential and "upside" go have dinner with Mel Kiper, Jr. and talk about made up statistics that don't matter. When you routinely get routed in the playoffs, lose because of general incompetence, or the inability to hold up under pressure you do not get the privileged to boast.

Yet Dallas fans are always the first to open their mouths. They drive me nuts! (Not any of the fans I'm personally friends with, of course, but the rest of them do).

Dallas fans you don't get any respect from me for being a Cowboys fan unless you or your family is from Texas. If you want to follow a cute quarterback, go root for the Patriots. If you want to cheer for a popular team, go jump on the Saints bandwagon. Take your half-hearted, transparent, uniformed rooting interests elsewhere. We don't have room for that in D.C. There's too much traffic already.

Here I am in Northern Virginia having to hear misinformed, ignorant and blind Cowboys sycophants boast about the accomplishments of this team and its domination over the Redskins. Do something in the league for once! Do something that matters! Then boast to me. Win an NFC Championship game. Win a Super Bowl. Something. Winning the NFC East is nice, but the playoffs matter more.

Cowboys have an 51% win percentage this decade, 82-78. What is there to brag about? Plus they're coached by the amorphous blob Wade Phillips. Have you ever watched a football game and visibly noticed the coach was daydreaming about pie? Only in Dallas.

Shoot, Jim Zorn looked clueless and overwhelmed all the time but at least he was trying.

Dallas fans everywhere are seething. Cocky and blind to the facts, they boast, "We've dominated the Redskins! What have you done this decade! Your team is a joke and you have no room to talk!"

Whoop-de-do. You were able to beat up on an incompetent franchise that has lacked stability and leadership for 15 years. That's like me boasting about going to the elementary school and whipping everyone's butt at a dodgeball. It doesn't compute. You have to compare yourself to your peers.

Is you're quarterback competent under pressure? Is he more than just a fantasy football machine? I don't see Drew Brees or Peyton Manning crumbling when the temperature gets turned up. Will you find a way to win no matter what? Is there a player on your team that you know will take over when the moment arises?

No. You don't have that. Tony Romo continues to be a great statistical quarterback and a poor leader. You're star wideouts have been divas that go unchecked for years until you get rid of them (see, Terrell Owens, Roy E. Williams, and likely Dez Bryant in 5 years). You can't get peak performance from a slew of stud running backs because your offensive line is crumbling and your play callers consistently want to bomb the ball down field. A defense that boasts some of the most dominant players in their position lacks organization and focus. Who do you turn to when the game is on the line? Romo and Miles Austin? Is that the latest excuse for dominate players? When have they shown clutch ability when it matters?

I look at the stud offensive units in the NFL, the Colts, Saints, Patriots, and I see leaders who dictate the flow of the game and make plays. I look at the stud defensive units of the NFL, the Jets, 49ers, Ravens, and I see fiery players who go after the ball and the quarterback like they're stuffed with money. Yet the Cowboys teams of late have lacked all these qualities, and are still placed in the upper echelons of the league. Why? Reputation? It's been a while since Aikman, Smith and Irvin were running things.

Here's the point:

The Cowboys are the Jennifer Aniston of the NFL. They bring a lot of potential, a lot of hype, and constantly remain famous. Yet everything they've produced in the last 10 years has been a wretched excuse for a professional product. They stay relevant because they were once paired with winners, and now they're defined by colossal breakups and mismanagement. Sure they may be attractive on paper, but in reality Aniston is a hot mess and the Cowboys collapse like a house of cards in a windstorm.

I hate that team. I hate the offense, Romo, Miles Austin, Dez Bryant, Jason Witten, Felix Jones. I hate the defense, Demarcus Ware, Keith Brooking, Terrence Newman. I hate the legends, Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin, Tony Dorsett. I hate the idiots with stupid names, Marion Barber the Third, Roy E. Williams, Ed "Too Tall" Jones. I hate the management, Jerry Jones, and Wade Phillips. I hate Dallas.

And I carry a general disdain for Texas because of it.

Do I expect the Skins to win Sunday? Of course not. But, more importantly, do I expect Dallas to get to the Super Bowl?

OF COURSE I DO! This blog is going to be the worst reverse jinx in the history of the NFL. And thats why I hate Dallas.

Hail to the Redskins. Hail Victory.

Acknowledgements to Bill Simmons for inspiring some of the thoughts above.


  1. The Cowboys didn't self proclaim themselves as "America's Team". It was actually done by the NFL's Director of Marketing a long time ago and in a galaxy far far away.

    It's ok though, us Cowboys fans hate you as much as you hate us. We're just a little more civilized about it.

    However, you're spot on about Wade Phillips visibly dreaming about food... In our house we say he's dreaming about a burger though.

  2. Haha, thanks for reading John. Can't wait for Sunday night!