Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Post Draft Day Manifesto

If there is anything that will get me back to blogging, it's Fantasy Football. Even if I have to hand write it on the train to work, then re-write it when I get home on one of these "computers" and post it before I go to bed at 9pm. I feel like Betty White when people told her she got voted to host SNL on  Facebook. Do what, now?

The Ducal Crown league resumed our annual draft day tradition by meeting in Richmond, VA for an early round of golf and debauchery (read: golf) before occupying the board room at Dave and Buster's. Or, as I like to call it, a white trash cesspool where GRE's go to die.

Let's hand out a few draft day awards for this year's gathering of gentlemen, scholars, and the other 9 guys in the league.

The Toyota 4Runner Best Fantasy Draft Award (I'm trying to acquire promotional considerations, give me a break). Yahoo! does us the polite favor of statistically projecting player's scores over each week of the season, averaging them out, carrying the two, and pressing Select/Start simultaneously to determine who, statistically, has the best draft. In this case it was Neil (Team Ralph).

But this is my narcissistic blogosphere so no one gets to do anything better than me (unless I'm humbly admitting they did, in which case it makes me the best at being humble). So, I'm giving the Best Draft award to myself. You can go suck on an egg.

The Lebron James 4th Quarter Award goes to Bryan Gunst (WheelsGoNonStop) for phoning in his draft. Literally. Gunst, now serving as a Regional Director for SigEp in Ohio and Michigan, was physically unable to be in Virginia this weekend, but he made the inaugural internet voyage to the draft via Skype. Credit to the guy for not breaking his laptop trying to reach through his computer to grab the plate of hot wings and french fries we left in front of the computer. What are friends for?

The Martha Stewart Award for Soft Hands goes to Eric Creasman (God.Bless.Day.Beers.). Not only did Eric shoot a personal best on the golf course, 127 (numbers estimated), he also served as a compliant host and provider of, um, chairs, and tables..and floor space. You know, everything you could ask of a single guy in a one-bedroom apartment.

I kid, of course, Creasy was a great host and went the extra mile setting up the draft day command center for my draft in another fantasy league while we drove to Richmond. If you think driving two hours to draft an imaginary football team is lame, I'd like to hear your thoughts on me, Noord (O Rak Rak Rak Po) and Jimmy (B-Button Spin Move) in the car, laptop open, on speaker phone with Creasy at his house, collectively drafting my fantasy team for a different. league.

We all receive the Lambda Lambda Lambda Award: Revenge of the Nerds Award for being so friggin' awesome.

The Nice, Tight, Ends Award goes to Noord and Ricky (WeHavinABabynItsABoy) each drafting two top 10 tight ends. What can I say? These guys love guys with tight ends.

The Redskins Homers Award goes to Sam (Touchdown Jesus) and Austin (Pledge Prez Perry). As sure as I am that the Redskins will start Rex Grossman, bench him, start John Beck, bench him, then start Rex Grossman again, you knew my fellow Redskins die-hards would follow these drafting patterns. 1) Austin would draft too many WRs (6 to his 3 RBs) and 2) Sam would gorge himself on Redskins players late in the draft (Tim Hightower, Chris Cooley, Ryan Torrain, and Anthony Armstrong).

Man, I love these guys. Hail to the Redskins.

Finally, receiving his first Ducal Crown award ever, TJB (Trail of Tears) takes home the Poop Sandwich Award. Look, I don't want the new guy getting comfortable. If our history is any indicator, we'll have a new 10th member for the 3rd time next season. I'm like Dumbledore trying to find a Defense Against the Dark Arts professor.

That'll do it for this week, tune in next Tuesday for Week 1 Awards and more Fantasy Football material only the 10 guys in the league will enjoy!

Until then, I'm your host, and I've been great.

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