Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Week 3 Power Rankings: Happy Birthday Jackson!

Today we welcome into the world Jackson Kenneth May. Born this day under the watchful eye of his father Ricky, as he fervently tweeted his fantasy league the details about what was happening in the delivery room.

Not really, but that’d be gross wouldn’t it?!

Jackson, as you enter this world, I feel it is my responsibility to impart a few words of wisdom to you about your father. If you know these things, you’ll live a long, happy, well-adjusted life.

Lesson #1: Don’t be surprised when Dad tries to trade you his broccoli for your chicken nuggets. He’ll try to justify it saying the broccoli has high upside, and is really going to come on strong after the meal. He’ll say the chicken nuggets are an injury concern and who can rely on their ketchup? When you turn him down be prepared for the final assault. He’ll offer you broccoli, peas and some weird Eastern European dessert just for your nuggets. Don’t buy it! Even if it looks like a good deal, there’s no WAY you’re eating all that food without leaving something uneaten on waivers your plate that he will sweep in and take for free.

Lesson #2: Don’t give your dad your email, phone number, Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, Friendster, or any other account information until you absolutely have to. That is, unless you want to hear about this Nuggets for Broccoli trade six times a day for a week straight.

Lesson #3: Don’t just be a starter, be a finisher. We all know Ricky wins (seemingly) every regular season game only to flame out in the playoffs. Honestly, it’s a miracle he could conceive you. I don’t doubt his ability to get things going…but, as a closer…well, it’s not his strong suit.  Be a finisher in life.

Lesson #4: Rush SigEp. It’ll help you achieve lesson #3.

Lesson #5: You have a great dad, and an even better mom. You’re a lucky kid being born into a great family and we are all so happy to welcome you into this world. In 15 years we’ll be happy to make you the 10th team in the Ducal Crown League of Champions.

Bonus Lesson #6: Don’t trust your “uncle” Ralph. He’s not your uncle and he’ll probably ask you when bath time is a lot.

Time for the Week 3 Power Rankings! Murder! Intrigue! Shake ups galore! Now with the added fun of not telling you who provided the quote so you can go on a witch hunt on Twitter immediately following the blog posting! That's what I call value added!

10.  Sam Persons (Touchdown Jesus)
Last Week: 9
Change: -1
First Place Votes: 0
Fun Fact: Not Noord.

Or as Creasy would say, “Sam, at least he isn’t Noord.” From there, the comments are all downhill. Centered on him trading away his top 2 players for Phillip Rivers (who has largely, and disappointingly, underperformed all year) and Anquan Boldin, the rest of the league chimes in:

If we let him have an extra player he still wouldn't win games. Starting to think he felt sorry for Moose and let him run the team.
Like trying to decide if the Wizards or the Orioles are the better team.”
Best and Hightower scare me more than going through [a Newport News] drive-thru with Noord. They will be less offensive but probably equally as dangerous.”

9. Matt Noordhoff (O Rak^3 Po)
Last Week: 10
Change: +1
First Place Votes: 0
Fun Fact: In College, bald by choice. In life, bald by genetics (Probably).

As we’ve all been made painfully aware, Noord won his first game this week against Sam despite starting Deion Branch who scored zero points. Once again, proving Noord’s ineptitude knows no bounds.

In seriousness, Noord made a big trade last night with Gunst giving up Ryan Fitzpatrick and Malcolm Floyd for Greg Jennings and Joe Flacco. Love Noord acquiring Jennings which will give him a WR core of Jennings, Mike Wallace and Mario Manningham (who I still think is going to come on strong). Credit to Noord for following the same method as another Fantasy Football genius (me) stacking up on WRs in a PPR league and saying, “Running Backs?? What running backs?!?”

8. Bryan Gunst (WheelsGoNonStop)
Last Week: 7
Change: -1
First Place Votes: 0
Fun Fact: Loves push ups.

“This man is stock piling starting RBs. If any of them start playing to their potential you have to respect his team. However, his naivety about his QB situation rivals Tom Livengood’s claims that he graduated from college. For goodness sakes just trade me Beanie Wells for Kevin Kolb.” - Austin

That about says it all. Trading for Fitzpatrick gives him a legit starter, although weakens his WR core. Arian Foster coming back this week means this is either the calm before the storm, or the calm before a depressing fall from mediocrity to irrelevance.

7. Jimmy Hostetler (B-Button Spin Move)
Last Week: 6
Change: -1
First Place Votes: 0
Fun Fact: His team is the new Wrecking Crew.

Last week I played Jimmy and my starting RBs (Jamaal Charles and Felix Jones) were both hurt and left the game. Charles is out for the season. This week, Perry played Jimmy and lost Kenny Britt for the season. Either Jimmy is a voodoo practicing witch doctor, or he’s Fantasy owner with “good players on a bad team.” Although in this case, the “bad team” they’re referring to might be Jimmys.

Weakest. Zing. Ever.

Speaking of zings, someone submitted a comment for Jimmy’s team comparing his team’s failure to “blow up” to a girl we knew in college who got fat. So yes, our league does consist of single, or soon to be single, guys.

6. AJ McGraw (deSPEcable me)
Last Week: 8
Change: +2
First Place Votes: 0
Fun Fact: Still shaking his head from the previous comment.

Winning cures all woes. Well it cures a few. I beat TJB this week by 6 points, and probably should have lost. I wonder, though, if I had lost and went to 0-3 would I have been ranked 9th overall? Shows you how valuable winning is (see Austin's team later for more).

Fun numbers from my matchup with TJB (only in-depth analysis for my team cause I’m selfish):

AJ’s Team
TJB’s Team
Matt Stafford (QB)
29 points
Tom Brady (QB)
33 points
Calvin Johnson (WR)
26 points
Ryan Matthews (RB)
28 points
Darren Sproles (RB)
17 points
Ray Rice (RB)
18 points
Owen Daniels (TE)
16 points
Fred Davis (TE)
2 points

Sometimes I’m thankful for Rex Grossman’s ineptitude.

Now for my favorite quote from Neil who seems to be fed up with the harassment, “[AJ] got [his] first win, [and] could get on a roll quickly with WR's and Stafford…or could suck and die.”

Love that guy.

5. TJ Buerle (Trail of Tears)
Last Week: 4
Change: -1
First Place Votes: 0
Fun Fact: Not pleased with Fred Davis. Self-proclaimed “smartest retard”.

Gonna steal/edit a comment from Austin: 'TJB gets the award for “Most Thuggish Receiving Core”. Steve Smith, Brandon Marshall and Santonio Holmes have all faced suspensions for poor off-field behavior. Collectively, however, they catch more [poop] from their baby mommas than TDs. However, having Tom Brady on his march to throw for a bajillion yards may catapult him to the playoffs.'

TJB keeps putting up big scores (3rd in the league in Points For), but has had unlucky matchups. Been there bro, been there. I ended up winning the league after a season like that…then again, I’m a competent fantasy owner.

4. Neil Morrissette (Team Ralph)
Last Week: 2
Change: -2
First Place Votes: 0
Fun Fact: Future gambling degenerate…and proud of it!

Common theme in the comments was, “When Vick is hurt he’s finished!” People fail to realize he has two elite WRs (Fitzy/Roddy), a sick RB (McCoy), the best PPR TE (Witten), ANOTHER top 3 TE (Gronkowski), and Michael Vick. With Vick scoring only 8 points this week Neil still netted 132 total. His team has depth on the starting lineup but a gaping hole at RB2 (smart, or lucky, call starting Jacobs this week).

People may forget that last year Neil was the clear favorite to win halfway through the season with Vick, McCoy, Peterson, and whomever else on his team. He had a down week in the playoffs against Noord and was out of it just like that. As much as it pains me to admit, if his WRs, TEs, and McCoy stay healthy, he’s going to be a force in this league.

He just called his bookie and laid a dime on himself (-250).

3. Austin Perry (Pledge Prez Perry)
Last Week: 5
Change: +2
First Place Votes: 0
Fun Fact: “Aaron Rogers is too sexy”- Bryan Gunst

It’s true, he is.

Teams Perry has faced this year have averaged an absurdly low 104 points per game (thanks to Neil for the stat). He beat me Week 1 with RBs totaling 5 points. He beat Sam last week (its Sam so…you know), and he beat Jimmy this week who put up a dismal 100 points. Give him TJBs schedule and he’s 0-3. Interesting how fickle Fantasy Football is. In his own words, “I believe Matthew Berry ranked the Ducal Crown strength of schedule for each team and gave me a score of ‘Paris Hilton easy’”. 

Hopefully she doesn’t read my blog.

Personal Soap Box: Remember how I said Austin always kills me in the rankings? I have statistical evidence now! (I'm not a self-absorbed nerd). On average, Perry ranks me two position ranks below the average. Pre-season? I was consensus number 1, and Perry ranked me 4. Week 1? Average rank 5, Perry ranked me 7.  This week? Average rank was 5, Perry ranked me 8, and now I'm 6th overall!

No. I’m not taking it personally. You whore.

2. Eric Creasman (God.Bless.Day.Beers)
Last Week: 3
Change: +1
First Place Votes: 2
Fun Fact: He’s got a pretty girl in his life and is smiling more than usual these days.

I think the league says it best:

His team is stacked. Welker is a PPR demi-god and when Miles Austin comes back, he’s got #1s all over his team.  If Mendy produces even a little bit, Creasy’s team, IMO, is the team to beat and best on paper.”
“Elite QB, great WRs, great RBs, only see good things.”
Eric Is a TE away from having the best starting line-up in our league. He will go as far as Wes Welker’s stubby legs can take him.” (Personal favorite)
Can Brees and Welker stay consistent with those totals? I dont know, but Mendenhall clearly loves Day Beers. He and Frank Gore must be playing quarters before their games this year.”

All this for the guy who finished in last place last year, had two of the worst keepers (BJGE and Austin Collie) and was ranked as the 7th best team in pre-season.

Then again, not everyone was thrilled with Creasman:

[Eff] this kids couch. [He] received 62% of production from 2 guys, and only 3 players besides kicker scored over 8 fantasy points...good luck with that over a full year #hateful”

1.  Ricky May (We Had a Baby Boy today!)
Last Week: 1
Change: 0
First Place Votes: 6* (only 8 members submitted rankings so cumulatively, this does not equal 10)
Fun Fact: Only team to stay in the same ranking position this week. Something about a baby.

It’s a stark realization when one of the guys in your fantasy league has a child. You immediately remember you’re not 21 and in college anymore. Sigh. Thanks for reminding us of our mortality, Rick!

Yet again, the league has all the material:

Until Fred Jackson slows down this team is too stacked to not be about to pop.”
Can't knock the hustle... Bastard”
"Matt Ryan for your best player." (The trade we've all heard)

We’re even trying to talk ourselves into beating him:

“His team is good, bound to have a bad week eventually. Right?” ….Right?? RIGHT?!?!?!
“Really wish someone would challenge him one week, too bad it won't be this week.” (NOTE: Ricky plays me this week…so thanks for that Neil.)

Probably the most astute observation:

“For another year, Ricky’s trading bonanza has vaulted him to #1 in the league. Only 3 of his current position player starters began the year on his team. When will we learn to stop giving him first place? has traded away anemic receivers like Santana Moss, Pierre Garcon, and Brandon Lloyd in deals that netted him Fred Jackson, Andre Johnson, and Dez Bryant. Only losing two starters, QB (Phil Riv) and 1 of his 2 quality TEs (Jermichael Finley).” -Austin

To be fair, I haven’t made a trade with him yet.

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