There are countless movies that tell an inspiring tale of backups, replacements, no-names and underdogs who overcome the oppressive (and figurative) giants in their way. No one, however, tells the tale of the dominate force who is broken by the gentleness of its opponent, as I believe I was this week (two of his RBs combined for 5.3 points!! 5.3!!!!!!!).
Maybe I’m being a bit dramatic…What, ho?! Nay! For this is Fantasy Football!!!!
I had (another) of those back-breaking weeks where I believed just slightly enough that I was going to win that I condemned myself to lose by 30. Stupid Patriots.
Heading into Monday Night’s game, I led Austin by 30 points. Left to play were his defense (tsk), kicker (pshaw), TE Aaron Hernandez (scoff), and RB Darren McFadden (puh-leease!).
Close to 60 points later, the camera cuts to me tearing my robe, shaving my beard, and weeping biblically. The 4th year in a row I open the Fantasy season with a loss. I’m like the inexperienced, but passionate lover of Fantasy Football…a slow starter, but I know how to finish.
This year is all about the Power Rankings. Below I’ll list them in reverse order and show how many spots teams moved based on their weekly performance.
Rankings are submitted to me by each team owner anonymously, and I tabulate the results and try to make jokes to mask the pain of my team dropping like a lead turd.
Week 1 Power Rankings:
10. Matt Noordhoff (O Rak Rak Rakpo)-
Last week: 10
Change: 0
Next Week: Noord v. Neil
The only manager to opt out of submitting rankings this week. Who can blame him? He solidified his status as the 10th ranked team by producing the lowest overall score in this week’s games. It doesn't help when Tom Brady throws for 517 yards, and your WR Ochocinco only catches one pass for 14 yards.
9. Jimmy Hostetler (B-Button Spin Move)-
Last Week: 8
Change: -1
Next Week: Jimmy v. AJ
Reggie Wayne looked like Reggie Wayne despite having Kerry Collins throwing him the ball. Dwayne Bowe looked like Dwayne Bowe if I were throwing him the ball. Ultimately, in the words of Sam Persons’, Jimmy “choked on some sausage” this week. His team was ravaged by a poor performance from home team QB Ben Roethlisberger, but at least it was consensual.
8. Sam Persons (Touchdown Jesus)-
Last Week: 9
Change: +1
Next Week: Sam v. Austin
Since I used Sam’s comments for Jimmy, I’ll use Jimmy’s comments for Sam: “I see some of the poor performers getting better but some of the good performers getting worse.” So..um…that probably means something. Sam put a lot of eggs in the Anquan Boldin basket this week. Like I say, if you ever have a chance to rely solely on Joe Flacco, you have to take it.
7. Bryan Gunst (WheelsGoNonStop)-
Last Week: 5
Change: -2
Next Week: Gunst v. TJB
Gunst beat Jimmy last week in an extremely unexciting matchup. His team gave a solid performance, got a good win and was overwhelmingly adequate. He’s like the Captain America movie…and that’s not a compliment.
6. TJ Beurle (Trail of Tears)-
Last Week: 6
Change: 0
Next Week: TJB v. Gunst
Two weeks in a row TJB accurately ranks himself and still doesn’t move positions. He’s firmly planted on the cusp of the top 5. This is a team literally too boring to make a joke about.
5. AJ McGraw (deSPEcable me)-
Last Week: 1
Change: -4
Next Week: AJ v. Jimmy
From Sam, “Big tree fall hard.” I got crushed by a 60 point swing from the Monday night games, but all of my starter’s are healthy, and none have major issues. My QB (Matt Schaub) and TE (Owen Daniels) underperformed because the defense, special teams, and run game was busy pooping on Kerry Collins. Yet, other teams who have lost starters have moved up in the rankings…but we’ll talk about that later. I'm confident in my WR core (Fitzgerald, C. Johnson, Vincent Jackson).
4. Austin Perry (Pledge Prez Perry)-
Last Week: 3
Change: -1
Next Week: Austin v. Sam
I have finally met my match in the battle of the reverse jinx. I gave Perry my best moves all week and at every turn he countered my reverse jinxes with one of his own. I couldn’t get one to stick! He was all over me! I felt like I was in Top Gun! He was Goose, and I was Maverick and we were playing shirtless volleyball in cutoff jeans! That may have just been a dream I had...
Kudos, though, to Perry for deciding to start Aaron Hernandez (19 points) at the last minute. And, yes, I’m still super bitter about losing to a team who had two RBs (Blount and Shonn Green) score a combined 5.3 points. Please go suck on an egg.
3. Eric Creasman (God.Bless.Day.Beers.)-
Last Week: 7
Change: +4
Next Week: Creasy v. Ricky
So, about the overreactions I was talking about. Having Drew Brees put up 40 points, Welker put up over 30, and Philly Defense scoring 19 surely doesn’t hurt. It also isn’t exactly a recipe for consistency in my opinion. I do, however, love the trade Creasy made giving up Anquan Boldin (and change) for Rashard Mendenhall (and change). Gives Creasy a very strong 1-2 punch at RB (Peterson/Mendenhall), without crucifying his WR core. With that knowledge, I agree Creasy’s #7 ranking last week deserves to be upgraded. Just, maybe, not above me and Austin…
2. Ricky May (WeHavinA…whatever)-
Last Week: 4
Change: +2
Next Week: Ricky v. Creasy
I had Ricky ranked first overall because of the consistency of performances on his team. No one player had a game deciding performance (Brees/Welker for Creas, or Ray Rice for TJB). Everyone put up solid numbers that impressed. In Sam’s words, “Ricky is like the Patriots…nobody wants to see them win anymore.” I agree. You’re like the Patriots, and you look like Wes Welker and you smell like Ochocinco, and you plank like Albert Haynesworth.
1. Neil Morrissette (Team Ralph)-
Last Week: 2
Change: +1
Next Week: Neil v. Noord
Let’s recap some things: Neil’s #2 RB (Steven Jackson) got hurt and is out for at least a month. His #2 WR (Percy Harvin) has QB Donovan McNabb (infamous for his 39 total passing yards last week) throwing him the ball, and also suffers from severe migraines. He has the frailest QB crew (Vick, Stafford) known to man, and is going to start Reggie Bush as a RB next week. Not to mention he has the shallowest position depth of all the teams (Lance Moore, Brandon Jacobs, Michael Crabtree, Jason Snelling). Yet, for some reason, his stock increases. I guess that happens when you put up 139 points and you have the threat of Mike Vick scoring another 6 TDs v. the Redskins twice this year.
Feel free to include comments when you send your rankings in the future, I might plagiarize use them!
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