Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Week 3 Power Rankings: I'm Sighing

A lot of people ask me, they say, “AJ, how do you know America is the greatest country on earth? I mean, they don’t embrace nude group spa centers like the rest of the world!”

I respond, “First of all, we do. Ask my brother what he and 300 Asians did Saturday for 3 hours. Secondly, the answer is easy! I flew to Boston Sunday at 1pm and was able to watch DirectTV Redzone Channel on the plane, follow scores on the monitor in my cab, and watch games as soon as I stepped foot in the hotel lobby.”

This is truly the greatest country on earth.

Here are the Week 3 Power Rankings, featuring some less great things….like number 10.

10. Noord (O Crap Crap Crap…) – 
Last Week: 10
Change: --

Things are getting desperate for Noord. His QB (Romo)received a punctured lung this week, Mario Manningham (his second best WR) was concussed and the rest of his team is largely inept. To be fair though, he’s not really helping himself.  He proposed the following trade:

Give: Ryan Fitzpatrick/Danny Woodhead
Get: Matt Forte/Maurice Jones-Drew

And, as far as we can figure, he was serious.  So, here are some less serious quotes from the league about his team:

“0-2, and already 80 points behind the top scorer, it must be a rebuilding year for him” – TJB
“Suck for Luck” – Sam
“His team flat out stinks. Now Manningham has a concussion…yikes. And quite possibly the worst trade offer proposed this week [seen above]. It doesn’t get much worse than that. Even on my end!” – Ricky (when Ricky says your trade proposals are wack, its time to reassess your life).
“I have a tiny peep and I love being tickled!!” – Neil, probably.

9. Sam Persons (Touchdowns Unlikely)-

Last Week: 8
Change: -1

One step forward, one step back. Hovering around the 8/9th place range, Sam’s team might be undervalued. Sure he’s 0-2, but he scored over 100 points last week with two players putting up goose eggs. And, as pointed out by a few managers, he’s got the second most points against in the league. Noord has the most points scored against, looks like his defense is as bad as his offense. Ba-zing!

8. AJ McGraw (Despicable Team)-

Last Week: 5
Change: -3

I repeat: dropping like a lead turd. Not only did my best player (Jamaal Charles) tear his ACL, but Felix Jones separated his shoulder, and I started the Dallas Defense. All that and I still only lost by 8 points to Jimmy. I repeat, BOTH MY RUNNING BACKS WERE INJURED AND LEFT THEIR GAMES AND I LOST BY 8 POINTS!

I hate this game.

7. Gunst (WheelsNotTurning)-

Last Week: 7
Change: --

“Foster, Gore, and Finley will wake up soon. And when they do…” – Austin. Gunst’s team is like an old, classic car that’s been remodeled. Looks great, but when you try to start it up the engine sputters and doesn’t turn over. You’re left cursing and trying to fix it at any cost. But if you took a second, treated it with care and waited patiently, she’ll start up. And she’s gonna look real good going down the road.

6. Jimmy (B-Moving Up The Board)

Last Week: 9
Change: +3

I need a personal soap box for this one. Jimmy claims, “Vernon Davis almost killed me, but everyone else had solid and realistic production. Yes, even Mason Crosby.”

As the inept fantasy owner who lost to Jimmy last week, I can ASSURE you his team’s production was not solid, nor realistic. Peyton Hillis, Mike Turner, Stevie Johnson and Big Ben were all in the 20 point range.  His Defense and Kicker put up 14 and 12 points respectively. Realistic? What world are you living in? Even Willis McGahee, who was on his bench, put up 17 points!

I suppose that’s realistic, in the same way that I think Vincent Jacksons 10 catch, 177 yard, 2 TD day is also realistic and I will be expecting that from him the rest of the season.

To quote Eric Creasman on the topic, “Turd.”

5. Austin Perry (Pledge Prez Perry, The Next Champ!)

Last Week: 4
Change: -1

I don’t care if he’s moved down one spot in the rankings in consecutive weeks; this guy’s team is STACKED. He’s gonna be the guy who acquires the next big waiver wire player, makes a run in the playoffs and ends up wining the crown. He’s got my man-crush, and perpetual 30 points-a-game player, Aaron Rogers at the helm. He features a receiving crew of Hakeem Nicks and Kenny Britt who have been deadly this year, and with Darren McFadden running and receiving like a man possessed he’ll outscore most opponents with just those four! I love his bench (Mike Williams (TB), Aaron Hernandez (who will come back from injury and finish as a top 5 tight end), and Marques Colston). I think his team is vicious now, and I can’t wait to see what it’ll be like when his bench is healthy.

Look for him to make some quality trades in the upcoming weeks and really bolster himself before the playoffs. Seriously, he has one player over 60 points this season, one over 50, two over 40, and two more over 30. He’s a points scoring machine!

Ok, enough of this love fest. I’m heading to Vegas to put money down on this guy. Victory!

4. TJB (Trail of Fear)-

Last Week: 6
Change: +2

Striking fear into the hearts of the feeble (at least that's what my rankings say), our newest member is taking the league like I like take a dump: quick, fast and its painful to watch. So far, he’s either the fortune of incredible good luck or incredible fantasy adeptness. Ray Rice, Tom Brady, the resurrected corpse of Steve Smith (the original), and….Fred Davis?! C’mon man…

Granted, he hasn’t started Steve Smith yet, but when Brady throws up a 44 point performance followed by a 37 pointer…you don’t really need the rest of your team to show up.

I think Brady is on pace for a 7,500 yard season with 56 TDs. So forgive me if I’m sticking with luck…for now.

3. Creasy (God.Bless.Miles.Austins.Hamstrings.)-

Last Week: 3
Change: --

Holding steady at #3 after moving up 4 spots last week is a good thing. Especially when your #1 WR gets hurt and is out for a few weeks,you started LaDanian Tomlinson last week, and Ryan Grant the week before. Wes Welker being on Tom Brady’s team this season is the best thing he’s got going for him (among many others).

Just looking at Peterson and Mendenhall’s names next to each other has GOT to make you feel tingly.

2. Neil (Dream Team….maybe)-
Last Week: 1
Change: -1

I remember another league manager who had (what he, and everyone else in the league) thought was a stacked team at every position. What happened to that manager? Two weeks later he was ranked 8th by his peers. It’s only Week 2 and things change overnight in Fantasy Football, but when you act like you’ve already won the league you put a target on your back.

Trust me. I know.
Bonus quote from Sam: “IF YOU WANT TO CROWN'EM, CROWN'EM! THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE! BUT NOORD LET'EM OFF THE HOOK!" I've still got him at the top but the injury to Vick could do wonders for the rest of the league in the next few weeks.”

1. Ricky (WeCantStopScoringOrWinningInTheRegularSeason)
Last Week: 2
Change: +1

No, seriously, he can’t stop winning in the regular season. He started Chad Henne this week, and played the guy who put up the 4th most points in the league and STILL won! It’s starting to wear on the league…

“Two so-so trades undermine an 2-0 start” - Neil
“Boo.This.Man “ – I’ll give you one guess based on the periods…
One injury away from struggling” – Austin. Technically this is true….of everyone.
“Good team, but don't like how he always wants to change it. Why not stick with what is working?” – TJB, oh young one, how much you still have to learn.
“CHAD HENNE?! FOR REALS?! Got lucky he didn't get negative points on the week.” – Jimmy. Seriously though, people know Henne and Matt Ryan are his starting QBs….right?!?!

See you next week.

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